Detrimental Decisions

I want it to be over. I want to be through this valley of pain and misery, standing tall on the other side, grateful to have survived. But, it’s not over. I’m in the midst of it all and the final outcome is ever shifting and changing. The thing I most hoped would not happen was scheduled to happen this past weekend. The relative of the older child has gotten permission to take her to meet another relative in jail. It was the only thing this relative wanted to happen and her wish has been granted. I could vomit. Thankfully, God answered my prayers and blocked the visit because the relative forgot the child’s paperwork and she was not admitted into the jail.

I spoke with the county case worker last Friday and she told me the behaviors the older child is exhibiting (it was so bad after her first visit with her relative!) are “normal” and “to be expected.” They are only normal because of what the system dictates happens to this child. The behaviors are a result of decisions made by people who never have to endure the consequences. The case worker also told me the children will be going home, that their mother is doing so much better with more in home services. She said she is glad to see them go home because if not the county has some hard decisions to make regarding permanent placement for the two kids.

I am doing better emotionally and mentally than I was last Thursday and Friday when I first got the news. But, I am still feeling very frustrated with “the system” and disillusioned as a foster parent. Agencies lament how hard it is to find “good” foster parents and I no longer wonder why – what decent person would want to sit by and watch these detrimental decisions be made for children over and over and over again? I certainly don’t. I want to be done. When I first spoke with my mother about the decision she told me to give “this” up and just get my divorce and find a new husband. Haven’t I considered using an online dating website? Because it is just that easy. I didn’t realize that 2013 is the new 1950. Do I need a man in order for my life to be complete? I do not. Would I like to be married to someone I love? Yes, I would. But, I need the time to grieve what I lost and I need the time to be ready to move on. I tried to push myself into dating when I was clearly not ready. I don’t want “finding a man” to be the sole focus of my life. If I am meant to be with someone, he will find me. But, I was so disappointed by the decision made that I was seriously considering putting in my 30 days notice and my resignation – I find the decision made that distasteful. But, as always, I hearken back to the children and how my number one goal is to help them. Pushing them on to yet another foster home would not help them. So, I will stick it out. Unlike so many others involved in this case, I put the needs of the children first. Not to break my arm to pat myself on the back, but what has occurred has ripped off the blinders and I can see with shocking clarity how little the children mean in this whole hideous game. I have lost all but the tiniest bit of respect for “the system.” Before I thought about trying to continue being a foster parent after I adopt, but now I don’t think that is a wise decision for me. I get too emotionally attached to the children and want the very best for them. I get upset when I have no control over major decisions being made that are so detrimental to the children I have come to love. “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men to do nothing.” That is how I feel. I am letting evil triumph because I do nothing to stop it. The Bible says in Matthew 25:40, “…as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” I can’t have that on my conscience.

I have gotten two things straight in my head since the proclamation came last Friday that the children ARE going home. One, “the children are going home” has become my mantra and I have begun planning for their departure. I bought a large plastic storage container to put all their winter clothes in and have been packing away the unused items. I don’t know why it does, but planning for their eventual absence helps me to not feel so horrible about the hole they will leave in my heart. Two, I kept hearing in my soul God saying, “I have a plan.” And I believe He does. I might not know what it is and I might never understand it, but God has a plan and I just need to do my part to see it come to fruition. God blocked the jail visit this weekend, so there must be hope for His plan. God is in control.

Friday would have been my fifth wedding anniversary. It made me so sad to not have reason to celebrate. And it is so hard to believe that this my second anniversary separated. I thought it would be less hurtful this year than it was last year, but it was not. Maybe next year. Sunday was Mother’s Day. I have hated Mother’s Day and dreaded it’s arrival for the past 4 years. Yesterday I was called out at church to line up in the front with all the other mothers. I felt like a farce – I’m not anyone’s mother, I’m just the stand-in. It would be like the stunt double accepting the Academy Award for the actor. I thought Mother’s Day would be better having children in the home, but it was not. It was just another reminder that I’m not really a mother.

So, as far as I see things right now, my game plan is to tough it out with the kids I have now. Then, when they are back home, I will need to have a real conversation with my family worker at CHOR and let he know that I’ve been through enough and I am ONLY interested in legal risk or adoption placements. And, I think I will adjust the ages. In my heart of hearts I know I want an infant and I guess I just need to be willing to wait for one. So, that is what I am going to tell CHOR. I will entertain a sibling group placement with an older child if one of the children is an infant. I want to have that tiny little one in my arms to watch him/her grow and to just pour out all my love on this baby. This journey has been so hard – way more difficult than I ever could have imagined! – and despite all the pain and all the up’s and down’s, despite the disappointments, the hurt and let-downs, I’m not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I think I’ve come too far at this point. To end up empty-handed now would be a Shakespearean tragedy. I’ll give it one more shot. What have I got to lose?