Toxic Foster Care

I think, of all the trainings I have attended at CHOR, Tuesday night’s training was the one to really cause me to take a step back and reconsider what I am doing and if it will ever work out. It was a small group and we were talking about how visitation between children in foster care and their relatives, especially their parents, is a right. This is foster parenting 101 – parents have a right to see their children. But, the CHOR family worker presenting the information mentioned how not only are visits a right but, despite what seems like contrary evidence visible in our homes, it is “good” for the children. Back to the old “these behaviors are to be expected” shtick. But, it was the “studies say” portion of the training that caused me to delve into deeper contemplation. According to the CHOR family worker, studies have been done proving that children are “better off” with family. This is why reunification is the goal in foster care. The studies were not cited so I have no other reference than what I heard last night, but I’m really wondering, in my desire to “do what is right for the child(ren)” is adoption even the “right” thing? On the surface, taking a child from a home is done for the child’s safety, therefore a “better” alternative than the child suffering abuse or neglect or whatever is happening. But, if a child does “better” in foster care when they are able to have regular contact with their parent(s) and that they do “better” overall when they are able to go home then is adoption a “better” option? I suppose, in the case of a child who has been abandoned or abused to their extreme detriment, then adoption must be the “better” choice for them – life is better than the threat of death. So, where does this leave the adoptive parent(s)? I have been expounding on the virtue of putting the interest of the child(ren) in care ahead of all else, yet I want to adopt. If the studies are right, then by adopting I might not be doing what is in the very best interest of the child. Don’t read this article (http://www.nccpr.org/reports/evidence.pdf) if you are fostering, you will feel more evil than The Wicked Witch of the West, the Grinch, and Cruella DeVil all rolled into one! The article actually calls the foster care system “toxic” and to be used only in the very worse situations of imminent harm to the child(ren). I don’t want to be toxic! I want to have a loving home with a child to call my own. I know people who have adopted through the foster care system. They have lovely families and happy children.

I guess I need to stop thinking about it. I mean, honestly, I’ve had a hard time dealing with the whole “reunification” thing and I figured it was due to my desire to adopt – to keep a kid. I guess I erroneously assumed that being in a happy, healthy home environment was “better” than being mistreated, ignored, abused, neglected or subjected to a distasteful life-style. Now, if I believe the “evidence” it seems children would be better off in this state so long as they are with their “real” family. I don’t know what this means for me. It took me a long time to be really truly ok with adopting versus having my own biological child and now it seems that even adoption might not be the solution. I wonder if any study has been done regarding adopted children who were not in the foster care system? Would studies prove the same results for private adoptions? My heart is heavy and my head hurts from trying to digest this information. I have a lot of questions churning in my brains…..

I did manage to bump into my family worker Tuesday night and she mentioned getting my email about being frustrated. She pretty much just told me the same things I’ve already been told – the behaviors are “normal” and “to be expected,” the kids are going home but no one knows when, just hang on because there will be more placements. I told her I was really losing faith and just don’t think “this” will happen – I’m really feeling like I will not be adopting because I won’t be able to endure the torture of the system. My energy, my patience, my hope is all running at an all-time low. The simple definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Am I insane to continue? I know I have posed this question to myself often but, when is enough enough? When do I come to the realization that I am chasing my own tail and that it should be self-evident I am not meant to be a mother? My own mother seems to think I should end this hopeless dream (of course she also replaced that with “finding a husband”). Wouldn’t my life be a lot less complicated? There would certainly be a lot less heartache and pain not having to worry about children and what will happen to them. I’m praying for wisdom. It is always darkest before the dawn. I would hate to give up just inches from the finish line. The problem is, I don’t know if the finish line is that close or if I’m barely at the half-way point……