Impending Doom, er Court

		Monday is the big day but I think I may have my expectations for this whole court thing built waaaay up in my head to the point that what I envision happening will most certainly not come to fruition. What is it that I envision happening? Something concrete, some definitive decision will be made to move this case along in a much more fast-paced way. From speaking to the case worker with CHOR it seems highly unlikely that the children will be going home to their mother Monday after court. And if they do, none of their things will be packed because I have not been told to pack them and at this point it’s rather late in the game to expect me to get everything together (it would be a total revision to all my weekend plans!). So, if they are not going home Monday perhaps a decision will be made, a date will be set, for them to go home. Maybe the older child will be given to her relative (she was there this weekend as usual but then I got an email Monday later in the afternoon stating she would be going back with her relative Tuesday and dropped off with her mother Wednesday morning….. no explanation as to why…..). I honestly don’t know why the older child has not been given to her relative. I was told after the last court date in April that if anything happens (meaning the children do not go home) this relative would be adopting the older child. Why keep bouncing her around from my house to the relative’s house? In the words of Nike, “Just do it!” I just feel like this case is at the point where the county needs to shit or get off the pot. The uncertainty, the lack of direction, the surge forward to reunification and the subsequent fallback is driving me nuts! At this point I already feel like I’ve become nothing but a robot nanny for the older child. Our connection has been broken and even when I try feebly to reconnect it is short-lived and tenuous at best because she is gone off to a visit. And I think she senses it as well. She sees the remnants from what me and the little guy do in her absence and it bothers her to not be included but she also seems to accept it. She realizes “we” no longer includes her in our little rag-tag foster family situation. But, what can I do? I have to keep living my life with the little guy and she is forced by a broken system, to straddle two lives until a decision is reached regarding a permanent situation for both her and her brother.   I want to have a good attitude about this whole mess, I really do. I don’t want to feel so frustrated and left in the dark like I do – I want someone to realize that I am a human being with hopes and dreams and feelings and that I am being treated more like an inanimate object than like a human being. Robot Nanny, take kids here, take kids there, buy new shoes, keep them clean, follow therapeutic directives – DO NOT FEEL! DO NOT CARE! This is your role as foster mom, Robot Nanny. Never mind your own wishes, never mind your own desires – they do not matter. You are Robot Nanny! Within myself, I promised to see this case through to the bitter end. I was very close to giving up and putting in my 30 days notice after the disappointing “punt it down the line” verdict from court in April. I was hoping there would be some resolution, a plan formulated for us all to dutifully follow. But, no decision was made other than to reconvene in 3 months. And here we are. Those three months have come and gone and we sit once again on the precipice of a conclusion to a very long tale – will a decision actually be reached? At this point, I don’t even care what the verdict is, just so something definitive is decided! Monday seems so far away, yet so close!! Part of me wishes I could be there, to witness with my own eyes and hear with my own ears, what happens, rather than rely on the spotty reporting of either case worker. But, I was not invited to attend, nor am I able to take off work on a Monday morning to attend (it’s just a very difficult time for my work schedule to be changed – also there will be someone out of the office that day and I need to fill in for him). Besides, why would Robot Nanny want to attend court? It has nothing to do with my directives. Getting the story second (or even third/fourth hand via the relative relating to the baby-sitter who tells me) is good enough. Really, I need to get my attitude adjusted here. I know foster parenting is not for the faint of heart, I know that I am not an integral part of this process, rather just a small yet necessary role, like the buddy to the comic relief – take the one-liners and zingers and keep on chuckling. It’s elementary, Dear Watson. But, look at it from my perspective – I have not been waiting for a child just since I made the decision to adopt solo the beginning of December. I have been waiting for a child since the end of December 2008!! That’s nearly 5 years!  Half a decade. Just waiting. Hoping. Trying. Praying. Wishing. Thinking. Crying. Begging. Thinking. Imagining. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Five long years. Just think, if I had been able to conceive right away, I would have a child about to turn 4 right now. Instead, my arms are still empty and my broken heart feels like it might never completely heal. Is it too much to expect some communication from the case workers? Some compassion? Is it too much to hope for a resolution so we can all get out of limbo and start planning the rest of our lives? I guess I will find out on Monday…….