Bring Back that Lovin' Feeling

The more I say it, the more I think about all I need to do in the next two weeks, the sadder I become. Every time I try to envision myself sans kiddos, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that the good news is I can move forward and get a placement for adoption. When I try to imagine how the little ones will feel being back home with their mother and a new baby brother, I then try to imagine how I will feel finally accepting the child that I will call mine into my home (I don’t mean to be so me-centric, but there is nothing I can do about how bewildered the children will be or that they will not understand I have no abandoned them – I just pray they are resilient and can grow to be amazing, wonderful adults). Already I am anxious for the phone call from CHOR asking me if I’m willing to accept a placement and then telling me the placement is coming – my baby is coming!! I don’t want this joyful occasion to be overshadowed by loss, but I don’t think the loss will ever go away totally. I’ve never lost a pregnancy or had my child die, but losing a beloved foster placement is the next closest thing – I won’t ever see these kids again. Sure, I can stalk the relative on Facebook and get a glimpse now and again of the older child, but I won’t get to see what kind of young woman she becomes or just how big the little guy gets, if he retains his love of balls and books. And this makes my heart ache and my macho “they can go” façade crumble. I’ve never had a placement last this long! We have been through so much, they have grown so much – I just can’t imagine them gone! So, it might sound heartless, but I’ve been reminding myself of all the things I can do once my house is devoid of small children (at least until my baby comes).

 

I can go grocery shopping after work, rather than race to the baby-sitters and then race home

I can go out with my friends whenever I want, without first finding someone to watch the kids

I get to sleep in longer in the mornings before work, since I won’t be running children to daycare

I can actually sit down and eat my dinner uninterrupted!

I will be doing a lot less laundry

I can work on projects around my house even if no one is napping

The house will be in order all the time (unless the cats or dog mess it up…..)

I will be making just one bed in the morning, instead of three (ditto to breakfast)

No more worries about taking off work if someone gets sick (unless, I get sick)

I can go to the mall and now worry about a toddler melt-down

I can worship in church without holding a child until my arms go numb

No more WIC checks to try to figure out (the bane of my existence!) or a ‘fridge full of lactose free milk

I will be washing a lot less dishes!

My kitchen floor will not be sticky from some unidentifiable substance

I won’t trip over rubber duckies in the tub

I can watch movies other than “Monsters Inc.” or “Finding Nemo”

 

The list of the things I will miss is probably 3 times longer than this list, but I want to try to remain up-beat and positive. Something good will come out of this whole mess! I cling to the thought and the hope that my child is just moments from being in my home and in my arms! I mean, in two weeks, I could be getting that call and picking up a child TO KEEP! Sure, there will be a long time waiting for the whole legal/court thing to take place, but just knowing that this child is intended to be mine will make a world of difference! I know I need to be patient, because things might not pan out for a few months – being a young, single woman I’m pretty low in hierarchy of desirable parents. But, I hope and pray that I won’t wait long – in fact, I’m praying my child will be with me for my birthday (which is October 1^st – forego the flowers and just send chocolate, patu!! I’m kidding of course! What I would much rather prefer is cold hard cash!!! Hahaha!). I guess it is a good thing that my family profile is getting very near to being finished! I need to get a physical –bleck! – and potentially re-do my autobiography (which I think I already did), sign some paperwork and ¡voilá! I’m ready to rock and roll!! Although, my mom thinks I should take a break before moving forward with another placement. She thinks I should “do something” – what does this mean? Aren’t I doing something being a foster-to-adopt mother? And I do plenty of things with the kids! It’s rare that we don’t have something planned on the weekends, so I know that I keep plenty busy. Too busy, perhaps. But, I don’t want to take a break, I want to get a break-through! I want *my* baby! (Try not to read too much of a whine into that statement!) I have waited for nearly 5 years to become a mother and if I keep waiting then that is what my life will become – waiting on motherhood. My baby is coming; I am so sure of this I can nearly taste it! (Just a figure of speech! I don’t go around tasting babies!)

 

One thing I should clarify is that the county is not in agreement with whatever entity is pushing to get the kids home on the third – this is because baby numeró tres is due that same week. So, there is a slim chance that the children will not go home that same day but in a few days/weeks following. Regardless, I am using this date as the deadline for myself to get them ready to go in hopes that I can stay on the ready for any future moving plans. I don’t really understand all the players involved in this, I do not know who “they” are and I only assume that “we” is the county where the kids are from. All I am really concerning myself with is being ready to move ‘em out when they say the word “go.” If this sounds callous, it is just a self-preserving mechanism to help me keep myself together as I say good-bye. I can’t lose it over a placement that was never meant to be mine – they were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks, remember? Despite those 6-8 weeks turning into 7+ months, this placement was always destined to return home. These two are not my kids. Time to open my home and my heart to *my* child. In the words of the sage yet simple Dory “Just keep swimmin’!”

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I spoke to the county worker today and the over-night visits are supposedly going to start this week - tomorrow perhaps. A court date has been set for September 3^rd and it is possible that the children will be going home that same day. Of course, the new baby is also due in the next two weeks, so this all seems like a giant, jumbled mess (who would send two toddlers to a home with a brand-spanking new baby? This sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you ask me, but of course no one ever does…). I need to get these kids packed because September 3^rd is only 2 weeks away! So, that is my focus now, to get their things cataloged and documented and then pack them up nice and tidy. The emotions have not hit me yet and probably won’t until the kids are gone. I’m not looking forward to the pain I will feel from losing them, but I am looking forward to moving on and getting *my* child home. I pray that my child comes quickly! 

Changing of the Guard

So, the older child has been kicked out of the daycare we’ve been using for the past 7 months. She has been nasty towards the other children and the daycare clients have complained, so she’s got to go. And just Wednesday the case worker declared things as “good” when she was dropping the children off after a visit. It is just too much on a little child to expect her to be in 4 homes every single week. It is simply too much for her and incredibly unhealthy, in my humble opinion. I called and notified my case worker that I needed assistance in finding a new daycare home for the kids asap or I will need to put in my 30 days notice because I need to work; I cannot lose my job because of what “the system” has done to these children. She said she would get back to me. I had this experience before (twice actually) with the older child I had – she was quite a terror – and I know that something will be figured out for them, but I hate to lose the stability and reliability and relationship with this foster parent. She was so easy-going and would keep the kids for me when I wanted to have evening excursions or just pick them up late or even keep them overnight on numerous occasions. This also throws a monkey wrench into the relative’s ability to not have to deal with me, by picking the child up at the daycare on her whim. It might also gum up the works for the therapist who sees the older child every Thursday morning at the daycare. But, it will all get worked out, I am sure. More distressing is the change I feel in myself. A small part of me has given up on the older child, given up trying to help see her through this and get her to the point where she is able to deal with it all. Her behaviors are not changing for the better and I fear this is now her permanent way of being – bratty, not listening, selfish, mean, undisciplined, and just basically not fun to be around. Worse, it is wearing off on her little brother. This afternoon I had a third and probably final meeting with the adoptions coordinator who is writing my family profile, so I left work early. I called and left a message for the county case worker asking her to call be back because I need to lay it on the line for her – I’m reaching the end of my rope with this placement and I need to let her know before I hit the very end. Perhaps she can give me an idea of what is happening, a time table for the kids to be going home. I would hate to have them moved when the kids would be gone in a few more weeks or months anyway. Of course, they were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks (do I sound like a broken record with this? I feel like one…) and they have been with me now for over 7 months. I don’t want to be overly dramatic with this whole thing, but it is definitely a shake-up for the kids and my worry is if they do find another family to take the kids who’s to say the same things won’t happen again? She will be nasty to the other children and be asked to leave? Shouldn’t the issue of who is being nasty to her be addressed? And her little brother has begun acting like her when she is around, mostly because he takes the brunt of her behaviors and then acts out towards other children. When she is not around and it is just the two of us on the weekends, we do just fine. I think I just feel tired. Tired of dealing with issues that I have no control over, no ability to resolve and when I do voice an opinion it’s like my mouth is moving but no one hears a sound. Why do I keep these kids? Why should I not give up and make myself available for the next placement which will be mine to keep? How can I give up on two little children? The baby knows me as his mother, how can I ask him to leave? He would not understand! Even the older child views me as one of her mothers (see the previous post), how could I shove her away knowing she is attached in her own way and this would be another traumatic separation for her? The answer is, I can’t. Yes, it is hard – really, really hard some days and weeks – but, I need to live with myself and the decisions I make and knowing that I might have gotten rid of children because they were difficult and made things harder for me, this would not be something that would make me feel ok with myself. Let’s face it, as attached as the kids might be to me, I am attached to them as well. There, I said it. I try to be a hard ass but when they call me mommy, when they snuggle on my lap together or give me big hugs, my heart melts. So, we shall see where things go from here. We will find them a new daycare and see where things go from there….. But please tell me there is an end in sight!!!

The Beat Goes On

Tonight the children came back late from their visit and I had a solid two hours alone in my house. Although I was anticipating their arrival, I reminded myself that at some point in the (relatively?) near future my house will again be devoid of children clamoring for my attention. While short reprieves like the one this evening are welcomed, being alone in the house wishing the children were back "home" is not something I look forward to occurring. After seven months one gets rather accustomed to the way things are and reverting back to anxiously awaiting a new placement is not easy.

The older child, who is weeks away from a birthday (would you believe I never had any of my placements for their birthdays?), said something funny to me this morning. She asked where they were going today (she asks that a lot - probably due to never knowing what to expect in her tumultuous little life!) and when I told her she would going to visit her mommy she said, "Oh yeah! I'm going to visit my mommy. She is my mommy just like you are my mommy. I have two mommies!" It was both funny and sad; funny because she views both her biological mommy and me as equal mommy's to her and funny because when she says it like that it sounds like she is being raised by a lesbian couple (and this just makes me giggle - mostly because imaging myself with any woman let alone her mother is hard!). But it is sad because she has become so accustomed to such an unhealthy arrangement. I mean, in one way it is good that she is able to normalize an abnormal situation like, what doesn't everyone have two mommies? It is also sad because she will not always have two mommies loving her - one of us will fade into a distant memory and we both know who that will be..... So, I just told her she was right, she has two mommies who love her very much and isn't she so lucky? To which she responded, "No, I'm just a little girl." That's toddler logic for you right there!!!

Dream Revlations

I woke up this morning with the dream I was dreaming fresh in my head and it has not left me all day. I was dreaming that I had the two kids and was instructed to go to the relative’s house. We were there for a long time and I desperately wanted to leave but the kids were playing with her kids in the backyard and I was being ignored as I snooped around ala Nancy Drew. Anyway, at one point the relative’s cell phone rang and she sounded so happy and excited to talk to the person on the other end. You know you know stuff in dreams just because it is a dream? Well, I knew it was the county worker calling her and telling her the kids were going home. She then asked to speak to me and all she said was, the judge has decided the kids go home today, right now. I was upset and then frustrated because I didn’t have their clothes packed and ready to go. And then my alarm went off and I had to get up. But, this dream has been on my mind and sometimes when dreams are so realistic and point to a matter I’ve been struggling with, I tend to get this feeling like it wasn’t a dream but it really happened. So, I’ve had it in my head all day that I will soon be getting notification that the kids are going home and then *Poof* they will be gone. I think this is because of what the case worker said when she dropped them off at my house on Wednesday. After I expressed my frustration about a text message from the kids mother (she doesn’t like that I line dry the kids clothes- oh well!) in addition to the frustration I felt earlier in the week being accused of being dirty (still fuming – I wish I could say I wasn’t, but I am!). The case worker said, “There is no reason why these kids are not being sent home already.” I think this is what has been sinking in and thus the dream. After 6+ months, it’s awfully hard to imagine my life being any other way than how it is – two kids living in my home, making a mess and making beautiful memories. But, our time is drawing to an end, our curtain is falling and so I must prepare myself so I am not caught unaware. After my coffee this morning (you know, when I’m kind of more human and more awake) I decided that I need to make it a priority to get their things cataloged and pack as much as I can to be ready when the time comes. It’s an awful lot of work  so the more I can break it down into smaller tasks, the better. I can document all the old, out-of-season clothing and get it all neatly packed up and ready for the move. I don’t want to say that I think my dream is predicting the future and what will happen but I’m sure my mind is trying to find some way to convince my heart that it should get prepared for what is inevitably about to come next. Unless something over-the-top bad happens, my home will once again be void of children, just waiting for the next placement. What I focus on now is that the next placement will be the final placement. The next placement will be for me to adopt and keep and if it doesn’t work out that way, if I get a legal risk case and the child(ren) leave then I am done. Mothering is not meant for me if that happens. But, let’s assume that the next placement will be mine forever and oh, how happy this will be! All of the waiting and praying and hoping and more waiting will have finally paid off and I will have my baby, my own child and then, perhaps I can forget the pain of infertility and try to forget the heartaches I endured to get to that point. I know when I talk about this to other people I always get the “it will happen” speech, but living in the thick of things it doesn’t always sound believable. As time passes and placements come and go, phone calls never turn into placements, I begin to get that dreaded ache that I had with infertility – what if it never happens? What if I just never get chosen as an adoptive parent because there are so many couples seeking to adopt children that I’m relegated to the bottom of the barrel every time? I know that I can’t let myself think like that because I know that the woman interviewing me for my family profile told me she sees nothing that would hold me back from being an adoptive parent and she feels like there is a lot I have to offer a child. She said there will be some counties or specific county workers who would not consider me but there will be plenty who would consider me and be happy to place a child with me. So, I just need to be patient and hold on for the one that will be mine…..