Dream Revlations

I woke up this morning with the dream I was dreaming fresh in my head and it has not left me all day. I was dreaming that I had the two kids and was instructed to go to the relative’s house. We were there for a long time and I desperately wanted to leave but the kids were playing with her kids in the backyard and I was being ignored as I snooped around ala Nancy Drew. Anyway, at one point the relative’s cell phone rang and she sounded so happy and excited to talk to the person on the other end. You know you know stuff in dreams just because it is a dream? Well, I knew it was the county worker calling her and telling her the kids were going home. She then asked to speak to me and all she said was, the judge has decided the kids go home today, right now. I was upset and then frustrated because I didn’t have their clothes packed and ready to go. And then my alarm went off and I had to get up. But, this dream has been on my mind and sometimes when dreams are so realistic and point to a matter I’ve been struggling with, I tend to get this feeling like it wasn’t a dream but it really happened. So, I’ve had it in my head all day that I will soon be getting notification that the kids are going home and then *Poof* they will be gone. I think this is because of what the case worker said when she dropped them off at my house on Wednesday. After I expressed my frustration about a text message from the kids mother (she doesn’t like that I line dry the kids clothes- oh well!) in addition to the frustration I felt earlier in the week being accused of being dirty (still fuming – I wish I could say I wasn’t, but I am!). The case worker said, “There is no reason why these kids are not being sent home already.” I think this is what has been sinking in and thus the dream. After 6+ months, it’s awfully hard to imagine my life being any other way than how it is – two kids living in my home, making a mess and making beautiful memories. But, our time is drawing to an end, our curtain is falling and so I must prepare myself so I am not caught unaware. After my coffee this morning (you know, when I’m kind of more human and more awake) I decided that I need to make it a priority to get their things cataloged and pack as much as I can to be ready when the time comes. It’s an awful lot of work  so the more I can break it down into smaller tasks, the better. I can document all the old, out-of-season clothing and get it all neatly packed up and ready for the move. I don’t want to say that I think my dream is predicting the future and what will happen but I’m sure my mind is trying to find some way to convince my heart that it should get prepared for what is inevitably about to come next. Unless something over-the-top bad happens, my home will once again be void of children, just waiting for the next placement. What I focus on now is that the next placement will be the final placement. The next placement will be for me to adopt and keep and if it doesn’t work out that way, if I get a legal risk case and the child(ren) leave then I am done. Mothering is not meant for me if that happens. But, let’s assume that the next placement will be mine forever and oh, how happy this will be! All of the waiting and praying and hoping and more waiting will have finally paid off and I will have my baby, my own child and then, perhaps I can forget the pain of infertility and try to forget the heartaches I endured to get to that point. I know when I talk about this to other people I always get the “it will happen” speech, but living in the thick of things it doesn’t always sound believable. As time passes and placements come and go, phone calls never turn into placements, I begin to get that dreaded ache that I had with infertility – what if it never happens? What if I just never get chosen as an adoptive parent because there are so many couples seeking to adopt children that I’m relegated to the bottom of the barrel every time? I know that I can’t let myself think like that because I know that the woman interviewing me for my family profile told me she sees nothing that would hold me back from being an adoptive parent and she feels like there is a lot I have to offer a child. She said there will be some counties or specific county workers who would not consider me but there will be plenty who would consider me and be happy to place a child with me. So, I just need to be patient and hold on for the one that will be mine…..