Changing of the Guard

So, the older child has been kicked out of the daycare we’ve been using for the past 7 months. She has been nasty towards the other children and the daycare clients have complained, so she’s got to go. And just Wednesday the case worker declared things as “good” when she was dropping the children off after a visit. It is just too much on a little child to expect her to be in 4 homes every single week. It is simply too much for her and incredibly unhealthy, in my humble opinion. I called and notified my case worker that I needed assistance in finding a new daycare home for the kids asap or I will need to put in my 30 days notice because I need to work; I cannot lose my job because of what “the system” has done to these children. She said she would get back to me. I had this experience before (twice actually) with the older child I had – she was quite a terror – and I know that something will be figured out for them, but I hate to lose the stability and reliability and relationship with this foster parent. She was so easy-going and would keep the kids for me when I wanted to have evening excursions or just pick them up late or even keep them overnight on numerous occasions. This also throws a monkey wrench into the relative’s ability to not have to deal with me, by picking the child up at the daycare on her whim. It might also gum up the works for the therapist who sees the older child every Thursday morning at the daycare. But, it will all get worked out, I am sure. More distressing is the change I feel in myself. A small part of me has given up on the older child, given up trying to help see her through this and get her to the point where she is able to deal with it all. Her behaviors are not changing for the better and I fear this is now her permanent way of being – bratty, not listening, selfish, mean, undisciplined, and just basically not fun to be around. Worse, it is wearing off on her little brother. This afternoon I had a third and probably final meeting with the adoptions coordinator who is writing my family profile, so I left work early. I called and left a message for the county case worker asking her to call be back because I need to lay it on the line for her – I’m reaching the end of my rope with this placement and I need to let her know before I hit the very end. Perhaps she can give me an idea of what is happening, a time table for the kids to be going home. I would hate to have them moved when the kids would be gone in a few more weeks or months anyway. Of course, they were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks (do I sound like a broken record with this? I feel like one…) and they have been with me now for over 7 months. I don’t want to be overly dramatic with this whole thing, but it is definitely a shake-up for the kids and my worry is if they do find another family to take the kids who’s to say the same things won’t happen again? She will be nasty to the other children and be asked to leave? Shouldn’t the issue of who is being nasty to her be addressed? And her little brother has begun acting like her when she is around, mostly because he takes the brunt of her behaviors and then acts out towards other children. When she is not around and it is just the two of us on the weekends, we do just fine. I think I just feel tired. Tired of dealing with issues that I have no control over, no ability to resolve and when I do voice an opinion it’s like my mouth is moving but no one hears a sound. Why do I keep these kids? Why should I not give up and make myself available for the next placement which will be mine to keep? How can I give up on two little children? The baby knows me as his mother, how can I ask him to leave? He would not understand! Even the older child views me as one of her mothers (see the previous post), how could I shove her away knowing she is attached in her own way and this would be another traumatic separation for her? The answer is, I can’t. Yes, it is hard – really, really hard some days and weeks – but, I need to live with myself and the decisions I make and knowing that I might have gotten rid of children because they were difficult and made things harder for me, this would not be something that would make me feel ok with myself. Let’s face it, as attached as the kids might be to me, I am attached to them as well. There, I said it. I try to be a hard ass but when they call me mommy, when they snuggle on my lap together or give me big hugs, my heart melts. So, we shall see where things go from here. We will find them a new daycare and see where things go from there….. But please tell me there is an end in sight!!!