The more I say it, the more I think about all I need to do in the next two weeks, the sadder I become. Every time I try to envision myself sans kiddos, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that the good news is I can move forward and get a placement for adoption. When I try to imagine how the little ones will feel being back home with their mother and a new baby brother, I then try to imagine how I will feel finally accepting the child that I will call mine into my home (I don’t mean to be so me-centric, but there is nothing I can do about how bewildered the children will be or that they will not understand I have no abandoned them – I just pray they are resilient and can grow to be amazing, wonderful adults). Already I am anxious for the phone call from CHOR asking me if I’m willing to accept a placement and then telling me the placement is coming – my baby is coming!! I don’t want this joyful occasion to be overshadowed by loss, but I don’t think the loss will ever go away totally. I’ve never lost a pregnancy or had my child die, but losing a beloved foster placement is the next closest thing – I won’t ever see these kids again. Sure, I can stalk the relative on Facebook and get a glimpse now and again of the older child, but I won’t get to see what kind of young woman she becomes or just how big the little guy gets, if he retains his love of balls and books. And this makes my heart ache and my macho “they can go” façade crumble. I’ve never had a placement last this long! We have been through so much, they have grown so much – I just can’t imagine them gone! So, it might sound heartless, but I’ve been reminding myself of all the things I can do once my house is devoid of small children (at least until my baby comes).
I can go grocery shopping after work, rather than race to the baby-sitters and then race home
I can go out with my friends whenever I want, without first finding someone to watch the kids
I get to sleep in longer in the mornings before work, since I won’t be running children to daycare
I can actually sit down and eat my dinner uninterrupted!
I will be doing a lot less laundry
I can work on projects around my house even if no one is napping
The house will be in order all the time (unless the cats or dog mess it up…..)
I will be making just one bed in the morning, instead of three (ditto to breakfast)
No more worries about taking off work if someone gets sick (unless, I get sick)
I can go to the mall and now worry about a toddler melt-down
I can worship in church without holding a child until my arms go numb
No more WIC checks to try to figure out (the bane of my existence!) or a ‘fridge full of lactose free milk
I will be washing a lot less dishes!
My kitchen floor will not be sticky from some unidentifiable substance
I won’t trip over rubber duckies in the tub
I can watch movies other than “Monsters Inc.” or “Finding Nemo”
The list of the things I will miss is probably 3 times longer than this list, but I want to try to remain up-beat and positive. Something good will come out of this whole mess! I cling to the thought and the hope that my child is just moments from being in my home and in my arms! I mean, in two weeks, I could be getting that call and picking up a child TO KEEP! Sure, there will be a long time waiting for the whole legal/court thing to take place, but just knowing that this child is intended to be mine will make a world of difference! I know I need to be patient, because things might not pan out for a few months – being a young, single woman I’m pretty low in hierarchy of desirable parents. But, I hope and pray that I won’t wait long – in fact, I’m praying my child will be with me for my birthday (which is October 1st – forego the flowers and just send chocolate, patu!! I’m kidding of course! What I would much rather prefer is cold hard cash!!! Hahaha!). I guess it is a good thing that my family profile is getting very near to being finished! I need to get a physical –bleck! – and potentially re-do my autobiography (which I think I already did), sign some paperwork and ¡voilá! I’m ready to rock and roll!! Although, my mom thinks I should take a break before moving forward with another placement. She thinks I should “do something” – what does this mean? Aren’t I doing something being a foster-to-adopt mother? And I do plenty of things with the kids! It’s rare that we don’t have something planned on the weekends, so I know that I keep plenty busy. Too busy, perhaps. But, I don’t want to take a break, I want to get a break-through! I want *my* baby! (Try not to read too much of a whine into that statement!) I have waited for nearly 5 years to become a mother and if I keep waiting then that is what my life will become – waiting on motherhood. My baby is coming; I am so sure of this I can nearly taste it! (Just a figure of speech! I don’t go around tasting babies!)
One thing I should clarify is that the county is not in agreement with whatever entity is pushing to get the kids home on the third – this is because baby numeró tres is due that same week. So, there is a slim chance that the children will not go home that same day but in a few days/weeks following. Regardless, I am using this date as the deadline for myself to get them ready to go in hopes that I can stay on the ready for any future moving plans. I don’t really understand all the players involved in this, I do not know who “they” are and I only assume that “we” is the county where the kids are from. All I am really concerning myself with is being ready to move ‘em out when they say the word “go.” If this sounds callous, it is just a self-preserving mechanism to help me keep myself together as I say good-bye. I can’t lose it over a placement that was never meant to be mine – they were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks, remember? Despite those 6-8 weeks turning into 7+ months, this placement was always destined to return home. These two are not my kids. Time to open my home and my heart to *my* child. In the words of the sage yet simple Dory “Just keep swimmin’!”
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