The Verdict

Court was yesterday and the children went home only for an overnight visit. I am getting the little guy back tonight and the older child will return on Monday (she got a longer stay because it is her birthday this weekend). But, things are no less confusing than before court. It seems like the immediate future was the only thing considered – no one really thought past the mom giving birth and how soon the children will return after that. My case worker suggested the children will be going home within the next 30 days. *** Quick side note, my case worker is leaving CHOR next Friday, so she will not be around to see this case to through to the bitter end…. *** The children will have extended overnight visits with their mother for the foreseeable future, although it sounds like there is some confusion regarding the dates/times of these visits.

 

Part of me is frustrated because I really thought they would be going home after court. It’s not that I want them to go, it’s just that I want to move on and get ready for *MY* child to come home. Of course, it makes more sense waiting until their mom has settled in with the new baby before sending them home to her – three children 4 and under is a lot to take care of! I don’t know if court needs to be set up again to determine when the kids can move, I know a big fat nothing. In reality, nothing has really changed in my world – these two kids come and go multiple times a week and I just try to straighten it all out in my head so I know what I am doing and where I need to be.

 

I have surprised myself with how calmly I took the news and while I was looking forward to getting on with my life and having an empty home just waiting to accept my permanent placement, I am not as frustrated as I have been in the past after hearing the court decrees. If nothing else, this case has taught me to just roll with the punches; one never knows what’s going to happen next. When these kids moved in with me, I was told they would be going home in 6-8 weeks. Then I was told their mother was pregnant and things were not looking good. All of a sudden things turned around and were looking swell again, until they weren’t….. Now things seem to be all good again, but mom is about to pop (so much for being due in November), so that’s the new hold up. I hear 30 days and say, “Yeah right! I will believe it when I see it!”

 

So, here we are! The placement that just won’t quit! Next week the children will be with me for 8 months, nearly doubling my previous placement record of 4 ½ months. If the children stay for another 30 days, that will put us at nearly 9 months together; ¾ of the year!! How insane is that?! Last year, I was so hoping to get a legal risk or adoption placement before Christmas, which didn’t happen. When Christmas came and went, I consoled myself by saying, “This is the last childless Christmas! Surely by next year I will have a permanent placement and be moving towards adoption.” I know it is only the beginning of September right now, but given that this 6-8 week placement has stretched into 8 months, it doesn’t seem too far-fetched that it could go a few more months. And, while I could be wrong, I think it will take some time for a legal risk/adoption placement to find me. Even if my personal statistic holds true of waiting roughly a month between placements, if these kids are with me beyond November, I will be childless yet again at Christmas time. I hated Christmas for the first time in my life last year. I hated being single (separated) and childless and just wanted the whole merry season to be over. Scrooge had nothing on my bah-humbug feelings! I guess I am getting ahead of myself now. For all I know the kids could go home in two weeks and it will all be over and I will be waiting for my child. I think I just worry about not being seen as “good enough” for a placement; I worry I will forever be over-looked for more “suitable” couples seeking to adopt an infant or young child. I keep telling myself that God is in control of this whole mess and that He has a good plan for my life, but I can’t help but feeling like I just don’t deserve to be blessed. I don’t know why, but I just feel like I simply do not deserve the blessing of motherhood. Maybe it has something to do with guilt over being a single mom and having to have my child go to daycare (I was never in daycare, my mom stayed home for 10 years with my younger siblings and me – but that was a different time, it is hard nowadays to live off of just one salary and have the other parent stay home with the children). I even find I have a hard time praying for the tiny bundle of joy I so desperately want…. Yes, I want an infant. I can still remember how wonderful (and a little scary) it felt when I had the 10 day old baby. My favorite time was at night, after the older girls went to bed and settled down and it was just me and the baby. I adored giving her a bath in her little tub on the kitchen table. I savored the smell of a clean baby as I lathered her with lotion and dressed her in her pajamas and wrapped her lovingly in her blanket. And then we would cuddle and I would doze for a bit until she decided she was hungry. We would cuddle some more as I fed her and burped her and then tucked her into bed. I loved her so dearly and was so crushed when she and her sisters left so quickly. I would have gladly kept them all! I cherish the memory of the precious little baby and ache so much for that experience to come back to me……   

 

I think I am feeling a little bit jaded in regards to foster care and adoption. The newness has worn off, the maliciousness of the system has been revealed and I have had to harden my heart to get through it all. I feel more calloused to the plight of the children and I hate that. But, caring as deeply as I did, wanting to see the “right thing” done to benefit the children, this only made me crazy and didn’t affect any change whatsoever. Everyone has different ways of coping and mine has been to stay focused on the future and what “will” happen. Worrying that these two kids might not be well-taken care of going home to an immature mother and brand new baby does me no good and does nothing for the children either. I learned the hard way that you don’t try to fight the system because you will get burned – big time. I pray to God I am wrong and that the children will go on to live fruitful and fulfilling lives in a happy family environment.

 

 

Dear God, please let my baby find me soon. Help me to keep my heart open, to keep up the hope and have faith that You have a good plan for my life. Help me to endure the time I will be waiting and to find encouragement from You and my friends and family. Thy will be done Lord. Amen.