I Want You!

“I want you!” That’s what the little girl cried this morning as I tucked her into her car seat in the CHOR van to go visit her mother. She had a vice grip on my left arm, refusing to let me go, wailing, “I want you!” I wiped away her tears, kissed her on the forehead and told her she would have a nice visit and have lots of fun and I would see her later. I am sure she knows something is happening. I sent three Rubbermaid containers with them full of odds and ends that got moved with them to my place over 8 months ago on January 12^th. She must understand what that means, she is such a smart girl. My heart broke seeing her cry, having to wrestle my arm from her grasp, listening to her begging me not to leave her. Does she know it is all over as of Tuesday? Does she know how badly I hurt and how I don’t want them to do, how much I will miss them both? I walked away from the van and got back into my car, my heart heavy. I can be all Suzie Sunshine, one door closes another door opens, God has a plan, but that doesn’t erase the stark reality of the pain. The pain of knowing I will never see them again after Tuesday. I will never know how well they do with the adjustment, how well they do in school, what they decide to be when they grow up. I won’t see them grow beyond what I have seen in the past 8 months and I will never get to applaud their accomplishments, help heal their wounds, or give them encouragement as they make their way through life. I am not their mother. I mothered them for a short time, I gave them all I had for a short time and now that time has come to an end. I wish it were different, but this is the outcome that has been in play since before the children moved to my house in January. I am ready to move on. I am officially approved and ready to adopt, so now all I need is my baby to find his/her way into my arms.

 

From the woman who drives them to their visits, both baby-sitters, their previous CHOR case worker, my parents, friends, other foster parents, anyone who has met these children and knows they are going home to a mom with a newborn says, “This ain’t gonna work out!” Knowing how active these children are and how much of a handful they are (especially the older child), going home to a single mother with a tenuous support system at best and a brand new baby seems like a recipe for disaster. People are placing a bet on how quickly all three children will be back in care. And here’s the thing – if they call me my only question will be “is their case legal risk or adoption?” because if it is not, no matter how much I love these children, I will not be taking them back. I am saying this now, I am telling myself because I know I will want to cave and take them back, but I cannot endure more time in the land of limbo. I am only taking in a legal risk or adoption case. Period. I have waited a long time, I have gone through enough, it is my time. I would be incredibly sad if these kids were adopted by someone else, but I can’t keep playing the game to see if that would happen. I’m not the gambling type. I will wait for my baby and pray that he/she comes quickly. I’m ok with doing respite for other foster families and I hope I get calls for that because it will keep me busy, but I will not take on a foster care case. A friend told me today, after finding out how old I will be next Tuesday, that 32 is a good age to become a mother. I can’t help but agree! I know that legal risk cases can take longer than a year and I’m ok with that. As anxious as I am to make everything official, I’m more anxious to just get the placement, to get my baby in my home. Hopefully soon I will be writing to say “MY BABY IS HERE!” Let’s all keep our collective fingers crossed! J