My Baby is Coming

So, it looks like Tuesday the children will go home to their mother after court. This was confirmed by the county to my CHOR case worker. I have most of their things packed, but now I can choose the few outfits they will need over the next several days and get everything else packed away. My heart cannot comprehend this decision, it seems like the mother and the children are being set up for failure, but my opinion on the matter means zilch. I am as sad as I am anxious. My mantra is “my baby is coming!” and I try not to think about the absence that I will feel next Wednesday. I want to stay positive and up-beat and I want very much for my next placement to come quickly, but I need to keep my expectations in check. Only God knows how long I will wait for my child (I need to stop saying “placement” because this is not a foster care situation, this is *MY* child!!!). I’m steeling myself for the tears I know I will shed but also for the tears and sadness my parents will feel – they have grown so attached to the little guy (they haven’t seen the older child in months because she is never with me on the weekends). This too shall pass. My baby is coming.

 

There is one thing that I still find worrisome. I read other foster-to-adopt blogs and I read articles about foster care and adoption. In my readings I have come across foster/adoptive families that proclaim a wonderful, familial relationship with the biological parents/family of their foster/adoptive children. I have read some cases of how foster families have worked just as hard as the biological family for reunification with great success. With my first child, I had absolutely no parental or biological family involvement. The parental rights had been terminated months before the child was placed in my (our) home, so there was no visitation, no worry that things would change, it was as cut and dry as a foster-to-adopt placement could be. My first foster placement, the older child, had visits with her sisters but only two visits with her mother before the court put a stop to that due to issues that came out during the visits. I don’t know if visits were ever reconvened because the child moved on to a more appropriate home. The sibling group I had in November had weekly visits but I had no interaction with their mother or the relative that took them in after being with me for a month. This case I have now is the first time I have ever had to interact with family members of the children and I have not found it to be a positive experience. While I feel like I tried to promote a positive relationship, encouraging the mom to call the children on my cell phone or call/text me if she felt the need, this privilege (that is how I see it, sorry but I do) was abused. When I didn’t answer my phone, threatening messages were left on my voicemail. When the older child’s relative got my cell phone number (it is still a mystery how she got my number because the county denies giving her my number or permission to call me to talk to the child) the mother called me berating me for allowing this relative to talk to her daughter because she never gave permission for that. I got nasty text messages telling me the children’s clothing smelled because I didn’t use the right fabric softener. I was quizzed about tiny insignificant scratches on the children and again threatened about the alleged evidence of physical abuse. I had a heated conversation regarding the older child calling me “mommy” and how this was simply not acceptable. There were multiple issues with the length of the children’s pants, the size of their shoes, and keeping many, many clothing items sent along for a visit. That was all just with the mother! With the relative, I had to force the child to talk to someone calling from jail. I had to deal with waiting for her to be returned at 10:30 at night (on several occasions) and picked up and dropped off willy nilly, with a complete disregard to the schedules and lives of others (including 2 baby-sitters). I asserted my boundaries (with little backing from either agency) and in the case of the mother, blocked her number in my phone. Because I read about such wonderful “co-parenting” that other foster-to-adopt parents have had, I beat myself up over not being able and at this point not being willing, to bridge the gap and have a good relationship with the biological family of the children in my care. Could I have done something more? The mother and I started off on the wrong foot. The first time I met her, when I went to pick the children up after a visit, she was incredibly rude. Sure, I was there to take her children, so I let it roll off my back. But, she followed that up by constantly complaining to the county and CHOR, leaving threatening voicemails and absurd text messages and it all went downhill from there. I don’t think I am hard to get along with, but there is only so much bitching I can hear before my bullshit meter blows a gasket. Nitpicking is not a way to endear yourself to my heart. I put up with it until last month, when I had enough of the verbal malice and blocked the number (actually, since AT&T makes you pay for that, what I did was make her calls ring right to voicemail. She can still text but I ignore them). Soon they will be out of my life and I won’t have to worry about it. But, I do worry about the next situation I might find myself in. I mean, let’s face it, my goal is not reunification. I want to keep their baby!! We seem diametrically opposed in this situation – one is gaining what another is losing. I do feel badly for the biological family losing their child to the adoptive family, but obviously I identify a whole lot more with everything the adoptive family has had to do and endure to be able to adopt the precious little life in the balance. I am cognizant of the fact that the best thing to ever happen to me is the worst thing to happen to someone else. Mostly, I hope that the child I get to adopt has no biological family involvement – this of course is for purely selfish reasons. At best, I can pray for the grace to deal with whatever situation that presents itself. I want to be the bigger person, really I do, but seeing someone so irresponsible, living a morally bankrupt life getting the most precious gift that I can only dream about, well all my good intentions drain right away. I am open to keeping some form of relationship with the biological family, depending on how healthy that might be for my child and I hope we can at least have cordial interactions, but I just don’t know. If I am in a situation like I am right now, I would not be inclined to have much family involvement (well, maybe the relative of the older child could come to birthday parties and things like that). There is a part of me (that little selfish part) that wants to just close ranks and be my family and my friends and not include the “others” but in the end, I know I will do what I think is best for the child. I guess that will need to be my focus – what is best for the child? I know there are other people who really like the biological family of their foster children, but I have not been so fortunate. I hope this is and example of the worst case scenario and that the next time I’m dealing with biological family there is more mutual respect and open communication. But, more importantly – MY BABY IS COMING!!!! J