Party Pooper

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to! You would cry too if it happened to you…..

 

They are gone. My house is empty and quite a mess with things all pulled apart and in a state of semi-controlled chaos. I didn’t sleep well last night, I couldn’t fall asleep and then I woke up a good half hour before my alarm and couldn’t fall back asleep. My dad helped me pack the car last night and we could barely fit it all inside. I have a large roomy trunk and still all their stuff filled every last empty crevice including between the car seats and the front seat and floor. I had three large Rubbermaid containers, 4 small boxes, three large diaper boxes, two paper store bags, a small back-pack, and two plastic store bags full of stuff – clothing, toys, diapers, some of the WIC food. It took three people a good 15 minutes to move things from my car to the CHOR van. One last kiss and “be a good girl/boy” and they were gone.

 

My parents came over for dinner last night. We were supposed to have spaghetti but I neglected to plug the Crockpot in – it sat on the counter all day with the sauce and meatballs not cooking. So we ordered pizza. The children were like wild animals last night, just bouncing off the walls and fighting incessantly with one another – just a typical Monday night. My parents had not seen the older child in months because she was never with me on the weekends. She was happy to see them and I think the kids had nice time. My mom cried when it was time to say good-bye, which made me tear up too. The older child asked why we were upset. I had told her in the car on the ride home from the baby-sitters that she was going home to live with her mommy. She told me she didn’t want to go. She had two mommy’s and that suited her just fine, thank you. I couldn’t hold it back anymore, when I was tucking them into bed for the very last time, I began to cry. The older child asked me why I was crying and I told her I didn’t want her to go. A few extra kisses and hugs and then back to business as usual.

 

Yesterday morning the county case worker called me to get the address for the baby-sitter. Apparently, the mother and relative did not want the older child to return to me Monday but the county case worker insisted. She told me the child needed a chance to say good-bye and get some closure. She thanked me for all I have done and for hanging in there, noting I had been through a lot with this case and I was always professional. She told me she hoped to work with me again soon, in a very different manner. I told her I hoped for the same thing. She asked me if I was ok three times. What can I say? That I cannot agree with the decisions being made? I’m not going to jeopardize my future placement and my ability to adopt by spouting off my mouth, condemning the ignorance of this decision and the system in general. I said I was fine. And I am. I’m fine.

 

So what is next for me? This chapter has come to an end, so it is time to turn the page and begin anew. I have heard the term “paper pregnant” but I never really felt that way before. When it was a “we” waiting for a baby I didn’t feel totally ready to accept a child into our home; I felt like we weren’t totally prepared, didn’t have all of the things one needs to raise a baby. But, with every placement, I collected more things and now I feel totally ready for any child under the age of 5 (actually, with the twin bed, I could have an older child but that is not the age I am interested in adopting). I have a total of 4 car seats from infant to toddler and even a booster seat. I have a crib (although, the baby did a number on that poor thing – if I get an infant, I think I might buy a new crib), a bassinet, a pack-n-play, a toddler bed, a twin bed and boatloads of clothing from newborn to 6, for boys and girls. I have bottles, diapers, burp cloths, diaper bags, toys – I am ready for anything! Now all I need is the baby!! So, I am paper pregnant, but the due date is unclear…… The case worker called me this afternoon to tell me things went smoothly at court. She also wanted to confirm that I do not want calls regarding foster care placements and I gave that a solid affirmative. She mentioned they were getting a lot of calls for placements, which I will take as a good thing. I just hope that equates a placement for me - MY BABY!

 

Today is my birthday and I don’t feel like there’s a whole lot to celebrate. The federal government couldn’t or wouldn’t put their big girl panties on and deal with shit, so they shut down instead. I share a birthday with Yosemite National park, but I suppose they are closed in light of the feds shut down. And, with the kiddos gone I am feeling pretty down and lonely. My parents are taking me out to dinner for my birthday, which is nice and I had 4 happy birthday text messages before lunch this morning. I’ve been avoiding the well-wishers on Facebook because I’m simply not in a birthday mood. Maybe tomorrow? I hurt. I ache. I miss them already. I was pretty nonchalant about the children leaving right up until the end. The “lasts” got me – the last dinner, last bath, last bedtime story, last hug, last kiss…… So, it’s not a great day to be having a birthday. I just need to hold on, to hang in there until the newness of the loss wears off and the empty house feels like home again. I plan to keep myself occupied. First, I need to get my house back in order. I was purging like a crazy person, getting rid of clothing I had been hanging onto for years! I have two huge bags and 5 smaller bags full of clothing and shoes I need to get rid of. I should really pull the closets apart and see what I can get rid of from there. So, a thorough cleaning is in order after all the purged items are removed. I want to get the baby room all spiffed up and ready for its new occupant. I also signed up to start taking an 8 week writing course at the Goggleworks (it’s an old building that used to be a goggle factory and has been converted into space for artists to have studios – they have a small movie theatre to show artsy films, they host artist displays, they have a gift store and small café and they offer various classes from painting, sculpting, photography, glass blowing, and writing). I’m excited to take the class and be writing again – I mean other than writing this blog. Someday I would like to be an author, but I don’t know if I have the creativity to do it. Regardless, I am looking forward to taking these classes! They begin next Thursday.

 

So, now the great wait begins. I await the phone call. Previous experience proves that phone calls come pretty frequently but actually getting one of those phone calls to become a placement, takes a good half-dozen calls or so. Now, I think the calls will be less frequent because I’m not taking any foster  care placements. Waiting for the phone calls can be exciting because you are just cruising along in your day and the phone rings and changes everything! But, it is also nerve-wracking. I have things planned, I am living my life, but I need to be ready to stop and change course at any minute, based on a phone call. Most of the phone calls come when I am at work, so I have to try very hard to suppress my excitement and remain professional. I try to keep my cell phone in my pocket so I can feel it ring and if it is a CHOR number I try to answer it or call right back. The suspense is killer sometimes! And very often, I say yes to the placement and then I don’t hear anything and eventually I just have to assume that the child(ren) went somewhere else. This time it might be a little different, since there is the possibility that the child could already be in care and need to move to a pre-adoptive home if their current foster family is unwilling or unable to adopt the child. I really need to not dwell on any of this, but just concentrate on living my life and know that God will direct the path of my child and He will be sure to get us together in His perfect timing. That is just all there is to it! Now, if only the phone would ring……