Just Waiting.....

I’m getting nervous that I haven’t gotten any calls regarding a placement. Today marks three weeks. I had another respite this past weekend. A young boy who was so full of energy and vigor he just never sat still. It took all my creative inventions to keep him busy and not drive me insane. We played at the playground, kicked around a soccer ball, threw a football, carved a pumpkin and then roasted the seeds to eat and watched a movie – this was Saturday! Although my parents were not home, on Sunday I took him to the farm after church so he could run, just run and run and run. He made friends with a little black barn kitten, whom he named Midnight. The kitten is super-friendly and wanted nothing more than a cuddle buddy and playmate. The boy fed the kitten scraps of lunch meat and gave it kisses, rubbed its belly and chased it around the yard. I was supposed to have this boys sisters for the weekend but at the last minute the plans changed. I’ve had baby boys before but never a child and it was interesting. It felt strange at first – what do I do with a 7 year old boy? But, as explained above, I found things for us to do. And I was exhausted from the experience! Yesterday it was the baby’s second birthday. I text “happy birthday” to his mother. Oh! That’s right! I forgot to mention that the kid’s mother text me last Friday, sweet as pie, looking for the doctor’s office information. I text it back to her and asked how the kids are doing. She said I could call or text anytime I like and the kids are doing great. She was more than happy to brag about them, about how good they are doing, and even sent me 4 pictures of the kids. I will take what I can get! Sure, it could be all lies, but having even a tenuous connection and glimpse into their lives is better than nothing at all!

 

I am trying to enjoy my life as is, rather than holding back until my baby comes. It sounds so simple in black and white, but it is not that easy. Anyone who waited, even a short period of time, while trying to have a baby can attest to the fact that it can be all-consuming if you let it be (even without you realizing it has happened). For a good chunk of the past 5 years, trying to have or adopt a baby has consumed me. I think about babies, I dream about becoming a mother, I see babies and children all around me and think of how dam lucky their parents are to have them. I avoid baby sections at the stores, detest even driving past Baby’s R Us, and try to play nice with pregnant friends and co-workers, all the while hurting inside. I’ve attended baby showers and even co-hosted one, hating every minute of it – especially after the infertility diagnosis. I know I should just separate myself from them and revel in their joy, but I haven’t come quite that far yet. A friend just invited me to her daughter-in-laws baby shower in November and I gritted my teeth and accepted the invitation, already dreading the event. Why go if I dread it so? For my friend. This will be her third grandchild and her son’s first. Unfortunately, she lost her job where I work due to the sequestration several months ago and I haven’t seen her much and would like to stay in-touch. So, I will go. I will hold my breath and try not to suffocate at all the ooo’s and ahhh’s and the tummy rubbing and glowing. And I will probably cry all the way home. Dam you infertility! I cannot let infertility dictate my life and rob me of all joy. I need to embrace my life because it is mine and if I reject it, it is like rejecting myself, relegating myself as a total lost cause and that I am not. I’ve come too far to give up now. I’ve endured too much to finish empty-handed. Chin up, shoulder’s back, march forward, on ward, don’t stop and don’t look back.