Musings

Every night I go to bed thinking my phone will ring and every morning I wake up expecting my phone to ring sometime that day. Yesterday I received an email from the adoption case worker at CHOR. It was for a little boy the same age as the little boy who just left my home. But, this little boy has a lot of medical issues that I don’t think I would be able to handle as a single working parent. I said I had some reservations and wanted to know more about treatment plans and prognosis before committing to this placement. The more I think about it, the less prepared I feel to deal with all the complications. So, back to waiting for the phone to ring (or for an email, apparently). I’m trying to stay as busy as possible to keep my mind off of the wait. And of course, I have given myself a new level of complications with my schedule – I begin my writing course this Thursday. I guess the baby-sitter could keep the baby longer on Thursday’s. I kind of felt discouraged with her when she kept the baby for me overnight a few weeks ago – in addition to the respite payment she would receive she wanted $25 for keeping him. She had him from roughly 6:30 Friday evening until 9:30 Saturday morning – he was awake for about four of those hours and I gave him dinner, so…… I don’t mind paying my fair share, but I felt like she was nickel and diming me which I hate. Couple this with her not paying me the full price for some products she bought from me (the cost, including tax was $42 and change, she gave me $40 and called it even Stevens…..). I don’t want to be that person – the overly sensitive person who takes everything as a personal affront – but it bugs me. I loved my old baby-sitter but she is so far away it is rather impractical to haul kids back and forth from her place. And, I was under the impression that the first baby-sitter I ever had was not doing foster care anymore until I saw her at training a few weeks ago. I wish I could find a place close that I like (the most recent baby-sitter didn’t have much structure to her daycare and there was always a lot of comings and goings with her adult children and extended family and friends), that provides a good structured day care, doesn’t cost an arm and a leg and where I feel totally comfortable. A friend I work with has a daycare (she is co-owner with her sister and so has a full-time job in addition to the daycare) and I really like the programming they incorporate, but it’s not practical with fostering because of the need for so many people to have access to the child(ren) – therapists, case workers, drivers for visits (this would be my choice for my child to attend and once they are mine, I will move them to this daycare). The writing course is only for 8 weeks, so I can suck it up and do what needs to be done. I am really hoping I can talk my parents into getting a background check so they could keep the baby from time to time. I want my child to have the great relationship with their grandparents like I did with mine – well, my dad’s parents anyway. My parents never had a baby-sitter for us, we always stayed with my grandparents because they wanted to keep us and because we wanted to be with them. I want the same for my child and my parents. I think that grandparents can offer so much to their grandchildren and, if my child ever feels they cannot talk to me about something, I would hope they could feel they could take it to their grandparents. I know I talked to my grandparents about my parents and they would help give me perspective – never in a judgmental way, just by listening and then telling me a story about my dad doing something similar. Of course, there were times we would run off to my grandparents’ house because it was also on the farm, down the hill from my parents’ house. I didn’t know it at the time, but I know now that my mom would call my grandmother and warn her that we were on our way and my grandmother would always welcome us with open arms. I have so many wonderful memories growing up and spending time with my grandparents and I really hope my child(ren) can have something similar with my parents – and I think my parents are really looking forward to that too. So, they should be able to start that relationship once my child is placed in my home. I just have to get them to see it this way. Right now, all they see is the pain. They still mourn the loss of the girls I had last November and my mom laments not having a way to know how the most recent two are doing and adjusting. I know they worry that keeping the child for me on some occasions will only cause them further pain should something happen and the child not become mine permanently. Trust me, I know this anguish all too well. But, why wait a year or more for all the paperwork and legal stuff to filter through the system before finally getting to be the grandparents they want to be? Maybe I will ask them to do it as their Christmas present to me? I don’t want to coerce them, I want them to do it because they want to…..  

 

I check the SWAN website regularly, ok daily (this is the website for Pennsylvania kids waiting to be adopted), but most of the children are older than 5. Children younger than 5 are usually with a sibling group and I am only approved for a small same sex sibling group due to the space constraints in my house. So, that is usually a bust for me. I wish  there were more I could do, to find my own child. But, I am pretty much stuck waiting for a system I mistrust to send a child my way. With the email I received yesterday, I even wonder about the process they use. Clearly, I am not the best fit for that little boy. He needs a parent(s) more able to spend a lot of time with him and to be able to deal with his medical issues. It would such a stressful situation to have him with me, trying to balance work and his needs. If I can see that in an email, why can’t CHOR see that too? I kind of get the feeling they just throw everything at me to see what sticks….. I guess that isn’t fair because I am sure they have a process they must go through and I am also sure they want to be able to satisfy my needs while keeping the child’s needs at the forefront. They are looking for the best home for the child – maybe they felt the individual attention the little guy would get with me would be the best situation for him. I don’t know. I just need to be patient. I know my baby is coming, I just need to hang in there until he/she is here.

 

As part of a massive clothing purge, I went through all the clothing I have for a child in my home. I now have it all in Rubbermaid containers under my bed, rather than all over the place. I have newborn clothing right through 6 T, for boys and for girls. While I was folding the baby clothing and tucking it away, I prayed I would have a reason to dig it out again soon and put it to use. I remembered the precious baby who wore some of those tiny clothes and I wished to have her back in my arms. Oh how my heart longs for a baby! I think of all the tears I have shed since deciding to start the journey into motherhood. If I had saved every one, I am sure I could fill a swimming pool with them! At this point, it feels like infertility is all I know. I recently read a story about a couple from San Francisco who paid an Indian woman to be their surrogate, using their genetic material. The article was critical of a wealthy American couple “buying” a baby regardless of the repercussions for the surrogate woman. I don’t want to get into the ethical debate about it, I just mention this article because the husband was quoted as saying “It just isn’t fair that other couples can have a baby just by having sex.” No matter how you feel about surrogates, adoption, etc. you have to agree that what this man says is right – it just isn’t fair. Why do some people, desperate to be parents, have to endure so much to become parents? Should infertile people just accept the luck of the draw and submit to the hand genetics dealt them? Because I like to torture myself, I have read some very negative blogs about adoption and I would ask them what they think should be done with the children born to people not willing or able to be parents? In my heart of hearts I know I am supposed to be a mother. Why this desire has caused me so much heartache and disappointment, I do not know. But I don’t think I could ever stop striving to become a mother once I started. I know some people do; my mom’s best friend (I call her my aunt) never became a mother although she wanted to and she would have been a good mother. I just don’t know how to stop until I attain my goal – a baby. People have commented to me, why not wait until you find a Mr. before adopting. Why? Why should I wait to find Mr. Right (who might not exist) and be sure he also wants to adopt and be sure he gets the whole infertility thing and that he’s not going to turn tail and run, leaving me hanging again? Legally, I don’t need a Mr. to adopt. And, having my own child before jumping into the dating pool takes some pressure off of it for me. I don’t have to quickly find Mr. Right so I can adopt. I don’t know. I feel like I am the only person in the world doing this thing my own way, like I’m just some little nut-job bouncing along my own path listening to my own music, coloring outside the lines and always just missing the mark, always a day late and a dollar short. I don’t want to get discouraged. I have done so much to make this work out, I am nearing the end, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel – I just need to hold on a little bit longer until I am through it all to the other side.