Trick-or-Treat

So, the little girl’s older sister was moved to a different foster home. She made an accusation that required the county to do an investigation and remove the girl from the home. I got a call Monday evening informing me I could not take the baby to this foster home for daycare and have since enrolled him in the same daycare as his sister. It makes things a tad easier in the mornings, not having to run three different places. But, I know the family is so sad not having the baby because they love him so and took such good care of him (spoiled him a bit, but he deserves it). We shall see how things turn out. The kids mom was elated that the older girl got moved, not comprehending or perhaps not caring that once a kid starts moving around in foster care it’s hard to stop. And now CHOR has the added difficulty in placing her due to the accusations – no one wants to subject themselves to the same potential issue and scrutiny. I feel bad for the girl because, more than the younger sister I have with me, she is manipulated by her mother. For whatever reason, the mother didn’t like that foster home and so she planted the idea in the girls head to get out of that home and so the girl did it. When the kids visited with their grandmother, I used to take all three, but now I’m not sure how it will be worked out. In all honesty, I’m hoping the other family could take all the kids to the visits once in awhile because it’s an arduous task. We shall see. No visits have been planned to my knowledge. It’s exhausting keeping up with it all, sometimes. But, at least the girls get to see each other at visits twice a week.

 

So, despite the little ones having a visit and gumming up our plans, we are going trick-or-treating. Our family theme is characters from Once Upon a Time, the TV show. Primero is Red Riding Hood, I am the Wicked Witch (from last season), the little girl is the blue fairy (with a blue tutu and wings) and the baby is a pirate (or Captain Hook, although he has an eye patch and not a hook, that’s not practical for a baby!). We are going to my friends neighborhood, since my area is lame and doesn’t have much action and I am so excited because this is my very first Halloween with kids! I’ve never taken children trick-or-treating before! And when I was a kid living on the farm, we couldn’t walk to houses my parents had to drive us around so we only went to people’s houses we knew and who lived nearby. So, this is an all-around brand-new experience for me and  I’m hoping the kids enjoy it!

 

This may sound silly, but it was hard for me to drop the baby off at a new daycare this week. Not because I don’t trust the daycare because I do, I think they are awesome and it would be my first choice for my own children. But, this little one who still keeps me up half the night has a huge hunk of my heart and I want nothing but the very best for him. I would rather keep him strapped to my chest than let anyone else take care of him, but alas, I must work and someone else must cuddle him and kiss his sweet, soft cheeks. Primero has been involved in an after school program at the same center for the arts where he had camp this past summer and so it has given me a few nights alone with the little girl and the baby. It has been a very nice bonding time for me and the little girl after the baby falls asleep. We don’t do anything special, we read or sit and watch cartoons together, sometimes she plays while I wash the dishes, but I can feel us growing closer as we get these few moments alone, just her and I. And, I am beginning to see us as a cohesive little family, my little family, one I am fiercely proud of, one I love with all I’ve got. We might be a strange little motley crew, but we have plenty of love to go around. Sometimes I get pangs for a Mr. to be in the picture, I never really thought I would be doing this alone, but at this point I’m so used to being the one and only adult I’m not even sure how we would function with a second grown-up in the mix. So, it’s just the four of us; a happy and healthy little family. Oh, how sweet it is!  

Holding Steady

Court was cancelled for tomorrow. I got the confirmation from one of the case workers. And the kids will have a visit with their mother Friday afternoon instead of Wednesday. I was only looking forward to going to court to find out a little more about what is going on. The baby has only been to court once right after he moved in with me, when he was just days old. The little girl went to court the Monday after she came to me and I didn’t go because I didn’t have enough notice to take time off of work. I had asked the other foster mother about what was happening, but due to her limited understanding of English, she couldn’t really tell me. She said something was mentioned about adoption and that they weren’t going to have court until January (this was in August). I don’t know what changed that they wanted to have court this month and I don’t know when they will reschedule the next court date. The kids mom thinks they are coming home soon, her lawyer got a new psych eval admitted and she thinks that’s the ticket. I have no idea, but it makes me nervous. I hold the baby and try to imagine him not being there and my heart stops beating. So, I squeeze him tighter and whisper sweet nothings into his wispy curls. I can’t think about him going home, the pain would be unimaginable…..

 

I still haven’t heard anything about Primero’s older brother. I haven’t heard if he is allowed to stay with us for Primero’s birthday and I’ve heard nothing more about potential plans to move him closer to his brother. It’s been total radio silence this week. And I don’t want to get pushy, I mean, I’m still shaking in my boots about doing something to disrupt Primero’s adoption. So, when Primero asked me if I heard from his case worker about his brother spending next weekend with us, I told him I hadn’t heard anything and I wasn’t willing to pursue the topic any further. He promised to call his case worker himself to get an answer and I said that would be fine. Usually his case worker is good about getting back to me, so I surmised she could be out of the office or perhaps “lost” the email I sent to her. We shall see if Primero gets anywhere with his phone call. And as far as the move goes, I’m assuming at this point the county was brought up to speed on the situation and, due to their inaction, they have chosen to heed the recommendation of CHOR and keep the kid where he is at right now. What the future holds is a total mystery. Based on Primero’s case, my assumption would be the county will move to have the brother placed in a home willing to do PLC (Permanent Legal Custody). And I told the brother I would be open to that, should his case progress to that point. I told him all I could do was express my willingness to CHOR and the county, but they get the ultimate say in where he will be. At least he seems to be settling in a little bit now, less anxious and less homesick. He is on my mind an awful lot, I guess just because he’s related to my heart of hearts, my sweet Primero and I feel a sense of duty in seeing him succeed in life. Everyone needs to have someone give a damn about them and I guess I put myself in that role for this kid. I try not to get angry at relatives who seem to extend an offer to home and family, only to rescind it with the slightest provocation. Sometimes I just don’t buy into the flesh and blood option as the be all, end all. I suppose, in a weird way, I’m glad the relatives didn’t feel like they could keep Primero because if they did he would never be my son. And I love him ever so dearly. Still, from the perspective of the kid, it sucks. I imagine the same for his brother. I pray for him to find a sense of peace in all that has happened and I pray he finds the stability necessary to get himself off the path of destruction and into a healthy and bright future.  

Pregnant Lunches

Why is it still so hard for me to be around pregnant women? Why do I still want to strangle them as I politely listen to them blather on and on about this and that worry or new issue? There is a co-worker who is newly pregnant. She just got married over the summer and they began trying immediately since she is already in her early 30s. I remember a conversation earlier this summer when she mentioned her cycles are longer than normal and how she thought that might make it hard. But, no, she’s preggo. And she isn’t even that far along and already I’m fed up with having lunch with her. Because that is all she, or any other woman that joins us for lunch, talks about. “Well, when I was pregnant with little Frankie, I did this and that and didn’t do this and didn’t do that.” Gag me, please. I shouldn’t feel this way, I have a baby and he gave me zero stretch marks and labor was a snap. I’m being facetious.  Yes, I am over-the-moon happy to have the baby with me and I hope he stays forever and ever, but the final rub for me is knowing I will never experience the whole pregnant thing. Get over it, right? Mostly, I am, but sitting at lunch having to busy myself reading Facebook posts just so I don’t go ballistic at hearing how her body has changed so much and doesn’t feel like her own and how she’s eating this and that but worried about eating lunchmeat and hotdogs. Ugh! Shut it already! I shouldn’t be so mean, and in real life I’m not, but in my head I’m screaming, “Don’t you get it?! That every complaint you have, every irritation or bother is something I would KILL to experience?!” I hate to say it, but I think pregnant women will always bother me. I don’t want to be that way, but I find it very hard to be anything but polite and lukewarm; I can’t gush on and on like some people can. I think they should treasure their pregnancy and never take it for granted that their reproductive system works as it should. But, that’s me seeing the world through my lens of infertility. I’ve never been pregnant. Barring any miraculous situations, I won’t ever be pregnant. So, excuse me if I don’t want to hear all about your pregnancy day in and day out. I just don't......  

Odds and Ends

The baby is four months old today! That’s insane! He is getting so big! He can almost sit up on his own and he can certainly hold his head up (he was doing that his first month, but was still wobbly and couldn’t control his head flops). He’s a good eater and doing ok with the addition of rice cereal to his formula. He has the biggest, most beautiful smile that just makes me melt and grin right back at him. He’s still not sleeping through the night, waking at least 2-3 times to eat. It’s much more manageable than when he was waking nearly every hour or every 2 hours. He is so adorable and I love him so much. He likes his swing, usually, unless he wants to be held then he hates it. He loves music, especially rock songs (little weirdo) and can be quieted by songs that Primero plays for him. He is also very intrigued with TV, I think just because it is a lot of color and movement. He coos and laughs, especially with Primero and his sister. Soon, he will out-grow his 3 month clothing and need larger items, in fact he has already out-grown numerous outfits. Primero can’t wait for him to talk and I’m just ready for him to sleep through the night.

 

I think, for the most part, we are all settled into our routines and life is buzzing along as it should be. If it weren’t for a host of issues, like car trouble, a clogged pipe in the basement, monetary issues, and the constant barrage of things breaking (like the curtain rod  that is partially falling down and would be really expensive to replace), things are good. But, these things, the constant issues that I can’t seem to escape and have no extra funds to replace properly, are pulling me down. The clogged pipe in the basement means if I do laundry the tub where the water empties into will overflow and flood the basement. The only solution, until my dad can unclog the pipe, is to bail the water as it empties from the washer. And then dump this water into the backyard, something I’m fairly certain is illegal. Plus, this is the same pipe that the kitchen sink drains into, so the same process must be taken when washing the dishes. I hate it. And the car, oh the damn car! How I wish I could light it on fire and push it off a bridge! Remember how I was without a car for nearly 6 weeks this past winter, due to the transmission going out on this car? Well, now my dad put a new alternator on and still the car isn’t working. Some electrical issue that has drained and killed my battery. And I’m tapped. I emotionally spent too much money on the cat, who ended up dying anyway, and so the finances are not in a good place right now. Most days I feel like the world’s biggest loser. Like why can’t I get my shit together already? And I can’t see an end in sight……

 

I’ve staying in touch with Primero’s brother, talking to him when he messages be on Facebook. I know he still really wants to move, but as time goes on this seems more and more unlikely. Primero and his older sister got into a fight on Facebook with the brother’s girlfriend. Due to her lie about being pregnant, their uncle and aunt decided the brother couldn’t move in with them. I questioned the logic on this, since the girlfriend has since been proven to not be pregnant, why couldn’t his brother now move in with the uncle and aunt. I said it sounded like it was just an excuse to me and not a very good one at that. I still think it would be an option for the county to explore that would make things easier on the brother. Perhaps it is being explored, I have no idea. I did ask Primero’s case worker if the brother could spend the weekend with us for Primero’s birthday in a few weeks. I don’t’ want to rock the boat or get anyone riled up, but it would be nice for them to spend some time together. And, the little ones will be out of the house because Primero requested that for his birthday. We shall see if that works out.

 

The little ones are supposed to have court the end of this week, but their mom told me last week it was going to be postponed. She says a lot of confusing stuff, so I asked the case workers and they haven’t responded yet about the court date or any of the other things the mother was telling me – like one of the visits being moved to Friday so she could celebrate Halloween with the kids. Generally, I take what she says with a grain of salt because I’m never quite sure if she is making things up or telling the truth. I also ask for confirmation from one of the case workers. I guess I will find out at some point this week, what is what. One of the case workers is coming to visit on Thursday, so I should have an answer by then at the latest……

Accept the Things You Cannot Change

Yesterday afternoon while I was at work, Primero called me. His brother was so depressed and threatening to run away, couldn’t I talk to him? He conference called us into a three-way call. And I spoke with his brother, expressing how sorry I was that he was feeling so homesick and listening to him tell me about his current situation. I let him know the reason he didn’t move in with me and Primero was because of the babies living in the house and concerns about space, it was not because he wasn’t wanted or not welcome in my home. Several times, we could hear the emotion in his voice and his sniffles as he tried to hold back the tears. Ugh, stab me with a rusty spoon! I hate to see people, especially kids, suffering like that. I told him to talk to his case worker and anyone who would listen that he wasn’t happy and that he wanted to be closer to his brother, if not with his brother. I encouraged him to follow the rules, no matter how much he disliked them, to not make things worse or to get sent back to the adolescent facility. I told him to hang in there while people (his brother, me, the case workers, the county) sort things out. I suggested he call his brother when he was feeling especially down, to help him through the really tough times. And I felt so bad for him. I know he just wants what his brother has – a stable, happy home.

 

After they three-way called me, they called Primero’s case worker and explained the situation to her. Per an email correspondence with her, it seems, according to Primero’s CHOR case worker, that he will remain where he is at for the time being. My house is only licensed for three children, which is my current capacity, plus the case worker feels it is best that the brother is not in the city where there are a lot of triggers for him. She thinks he would run away and revert back the life he was living. She did forward the boys concerns along to the county case worker, so hopefully they can work with him and help him to feel more comfortable. Hopefully he will accept the decisions being made for him right now and strive to better his situation. I feel at a loss, unable to help a situation that has so many factors outside of my control. I can only be a support to this kid, offer him a set of ears and kind words, and to let him know someone out there does care and wants to help. And I pray for a resolution that he can live with…..

Why Didn't She Take Me?

“Why didn’t she take me?” This is what Primero’s brother asked him when they spoke again on Monday. “Ask her to take me in, I want to be with you. Ask her to adopt me too.” He implored Primero to get him moved out of his current foster home because he is so depressed there and just wants to be with family. His aunt and uncle were going to take him in until they heard about the pregnant girlfriend and then they changed their minds. But, according to one of Primero’s friends who is cousins of the girlfriend, the pregnancy is a fake. A very real fake because she produced a sonogram picture of the alleged fetus. Total insanity.

 

Primero promised to talk to his case worker Tuesday night at the Fall Festival and he did. She talked to me too and said she would not be comfortable with Primero’s brother moving in because of the little ones. And she didn’t think I would be comfortable about it either. I said I felt bad for him and again encouraged getting the boys together to see one another. On our drive home I relayed this information to Primero and suggested they re-explore his aunt and uncle now that the pregnant girlfriend has been found to be a fake (to be quite honest, I’m not really sure what to believe about this whole saga, but I would kinda like to throttle this chickie). I told Primero at this point I would only be willing to accept his brother because he is my beloved son’s brother. In other words, I would be doing it for Primero. And if I said it once I said it a thousand times, it is not a decision that we get to make. Primero was already thinking of what it would be like to have his brother in our home, how he thought it would be best for his brother to join him in cyber school, where we would all sit on the couch since it is very compact, who gets shotgun in the car, etc. Primero gave his brother his case workers number and suggested he call the case worker to talk it over with her. My heart breaks for this child (young man) because I think he is jealous of Primero. I think he sees that Primero is happy, content, in a loving home, and that he is thriving and this is what the brother wants as well. Who can blame him for that?

 

At one point I asked Primero if he really wants his brother to move in because when we first found out he was going into foster care Primero seemed to indicate he would be very reluctant to have him live with us. Primero likes being the “big” kid. He likes our times together when it’s just me and him and he gets all my attention. He knows his brother would disrupt that balance. He said he would like his brother with him but he also acknowledged that he wouldn’t be too happy about the changes it would mean. I told him he is not responsible for his brother and he should not feel a burden to get his brother what he wants. I reiterated again that it was not a decision the three of us could make anyway, we are beholden to the directives of the county and CHOR. And at this point CHOR believes this would be a very bad idea. What the county knows and how they feel about the situation are a mystery.

 

I don’t know what, if anything, will become of all of this. I can understand the desire for both boys to want to be together. If I was in care, I would certainly fight tooth and nail to be with my sister (and probably my brother, even though I’m sure he wouldn’t give a rats red arse…..). I haven’t really had the time to process it all, to really think about the implications of everything. I disagree that it would be problematic for the little ones to have the older brother with us, I would see more of an issue for Primero. His brother, as I’ve mentioned before, has more issues and that could be challenging but being with his younger brother could also give him the impetus to change for the better. I’ve only met the brother a couple of times, so I know it is through what Primero relays that he feels any type of connection to me. My soft spot is children (or pets) who feel unwanted. No one should ever feel unwanted because it is just the most awful feeling in the world. Still, a child who has been running wild in the streets might find it hard to adjust to rules and regulations of a household. And then there is the whole adoption thing. Wow! I really tried to gloss over that because it’s a huge deal and, without at least a trial run, I don’t know that I would be too quick to answer affirmative to that question. But, my overall greatest concern would be how much peer pressure the brother would leverage over my sweet Primero to do some of the things he has done, more specifically, become sexually active. This is something I worry about when the boys are not living together. I know Primero really looks up most to his oldest brother and that he has expressed frustration with this brother due to some of the choices he has made. Primero blames the brother for getting their mother involved in drugs, while the brother blames the mother. But, I am a firm believer in giving everyone, and especially children and teenagers, a second chance. This could be the turning point for the brother, to be able to turn his life around and make better decisions. For me, I will let the whole situation up to God. He will move to direct things to go in the direction He chooses.     

Baby Daddy

You would think, after a few years as a foster parent, that next to nothing would shock me. I won’t say I’m shocked, because really it was inevitable, I’m just disappointed and kinda angry that it happened. Let me explain. Friday evening Primero got a call. It was his brother, the one who was in the shelter at a facility for juvenile delinquents. He was moved in with a foster family in another county, with another agency. I felt so bad when Primero told me his brother asked why I didn’t take him. I hate that he felt unwanted. Primero said he understood once it was explained what the situation was in our house. Primero’s brother was most interested in getting in contact with his girlfriend and Primero facilitated the three-way call for them. After the call he came out of his room and announced he was going to be an uncle – his brother’s girlfriend is pregnant. You’ve got to be kidding me!!!??!! Both Primero and I knew it was going to happen at some point, his brother is very promiscuous, but he is also very immature for his age. The brother is about a year and change older than Primero, so way too young to be a father. And, with his stint in the facility and now being in foster care, it’s not really the best time for him to have another huge life-changing event plopped in his lap. I expressed my disappointment and frustration to Primero, demanding he promise to never be a baby daddy. I told him to think about how much work the baby was and to remember that when he thought about having sex. It’s a good thing he’s not a girl or I would be taking him to the gyno for an IUD! Babies having babies just makes me so angry. Not only because I won’t get that same chance, but mostly because there are so many ways, so many options to prevent pregnancy, that it’s just downright irresponsible and lazy to get “accidentally” pregnant as a young person (I know grown women who have become accidentally pregnant, but in those cases it was either because they thought they were infertile or the protection they were using failed – which is way different from not using protection at all – plus, they were in stable and committed relationships, not bouncing from boyfriend to boyfriend every four months). I think there is a culture in the city that promotes teen pregnancy because there are way too many young girls having babies who have no business having babies. And the boyfriend of the month disappears once the diaper changing begins. It just downright disgusts me. I guess because I see so many babies and children in this situation through no fault of their own, and they end up in foster care because of someone else’s stupidity. So, I guess we will see how it all plays out.    

Rumor has it......

As a foster parent I have to keep a lot to myself. It helps being able to talk to another foster parent about a situation, especially in the case right now where the other foster mother has an intimate knowledge of the case due to her involvement with all the children in a variety of capacities. This is why sharing a rumor with the other foster mother was easy. But, last Thursday I had to choose to share this rumor with the county and CHOR during a planning meeting. I kept it under my hat until the very end of the meeting. And then I reported the rumor that I heard from the grandmother. The county worker wasn’t surprised per se, but she was taken aback and dumbstruck by the idea that this rumor could be true mostly because it shows how irresponsible the little ones mother is and it also shed some light on the dysfunction of the family as well. I don't know what to make of it, so I'm filing it under "if it's true I'll freak out, if it's a lie it's a stupid thing to lie about." Until the rumor is confirmed true or false, I will keep it between those whom I've already told.

 

The little ones have court on Halloween and according to the county case worker we should be prepared for a long session because there will be testimony. I don’t know what this means, but I am already dreading this day. I’m sure it will be emotional and not a whole lotta fun. According the county, at this point it will not be recommended that the children return home. I’m wondering if the rumor I reported will be addressed during court. I vacillate between feeling bad for the kids mom and being somewhat disgusted with the choices she has made in her life. She is just a few months younger than me, so it is also strange to think that she is a contemporary, someone in the same peer group as me and yet our lives are so wholly different. It is also strange to think that the little ones mom, Primero’s biological mother, and me are all around the same age. Primero’s bio mom looks a whole decade older than me and the little ones mother acts like she is still a silly teenager. My heart goes out to these women for the trials they have had to endure in their lives, but at the same time, much of their pain is of their own making. Still, losing your children is something that is so hard to endure, I don’t know how they function. Most of the time when I kiss the baby’s sweet, soft, supple cheeks, I say a little prayer thanking God for the blessing it is to have him to love. But, sometimes as my lips caress his soft, downy hair I think of how hard it must be on his mother to know she is not the one smothering him with love, soothing him to sleep, or snuggling him close. It’s just not an easy thing.     

 

Monday was Columbus Day and so I had off of work. Two of the case workers came out to see us, since we were home during the day. The visit with Primero’s case worker was brief but she did report good news. Primero’s mother signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights, so the path to adoption is much smoother now. Thank God! She said no more was mentioned about me needing to be divorced first, so that too is a good thing. Full steam ahead! After the first case worker left, the little girls case worker stopped by. Since the girl was napping, we could actually talk about things without her interrupting. The little girl had been evaluated for wrap around services and also for therapy. The case worker wanted to know my thoughts on this, since her behaviors are much different since moving into my home. She also said the county stipulated that they wanted the girl in a pre-adoptive home before starting therapy and would I consider being that home. Oh wow! Now, when I took in the baby I knew they were calling his case legal risk, but no mention was made that the little girl was in the same situation although since they are siblings I guess one could assume. I didn’t answer the case workers question mostly because of Primero. He was there during the meeting and he heard the question, but I know he has complained a lot about not liking the little girl. I didn’t want to answer without talking to him and considering his opinion, although ultimately the decision was mine to make. We talked. I will consider being a pre-adoptive home for her. Although, the case worker didn’t know if that is even the direction this case is headed. I guess we will find out at court the end of the month. It’s crazy to think that after all the waiting and whining and wailing about not being chosen as an adoptive home and now I have been asked twice in the same year to be an adoptive home for kids already living with me! Well, to be technical, no one has asked me to adopt the little girl they just want to know if I would, should her case get to that point. This I have kind of been asked in the past only to have the kids leave (the two little ones I had last year).

 

There is another little hiccup to this peaceful bliss. We visited the farm on Sunday for my dad to look at my car to diagnose the issue. While there, out of earshot of any kids, my mom asked me if the little girl was  now permanent. It’s not the question itself but the tone in which she asked me. She doesn’t approve. I guess she feels like Primero, the little girl works on her nerves. I think I will keep yesterday’s revelation to myself then, and only share the news when/if things move in the direction of adoption. Am I crazy? I mean is it total lunacy to think that the current situation could become a permanent situation? Am I the only one who can see redeeming qualities in a little girl who has been jostled and traumatized so much in her short little life? Sometimes I don’t share things because I really just don’t feel like being judged. I don’t feel like having my every move put under a microscope to be scrutinized and picked apart. When my mother asked, “So, she’s permanent?” I said, “For now.” At the time that is all I knew. If someone asked me what is the one thing I wish everyone knew about foster care and foster-to-adopt it is this – I wish they knew that when the kids drive them crazy, they drive me crazy too but you have to see past that, past the behaviors you don’t like and find the good qualities because no child is a lost cause. Ok, so she whines, well so do I sometimes, she just needs to be taught not to do that and it’s a work in progress. Are all people’s biological children perfect? Do they not need guidance and to be taught the proper way to do things, to be respectful and behave appropriately? Is that not the job of every parent, not just foster or adoptive parents? She’s a hurt little girls probably in ways we can’t understand, in ways she surely doesn’t understand. What she needs is stability, love, and someone to stick it out with her, to show her the good stuff she does and never give up on her. That is what I wish people would see and understand. She is no less worthy of a loving family because she is annoying or whatever she does that bugs people, she is a little girl. Maybe I’m a dreamer or a wishful thinker, but I believe she is young enough and her behaviors are manageable enough that she can become a delightful little girl. She’s sassy and smart and if she is taught how to behave it can be a winning combination. Already, her case worker and others who have known her since she came into care, can see a difference in the way she acts and behaves. If she can change so much in two short months, imagine what she could do given a little more time and a little more permanency?

Adoption Book

I’ve been thinking about writing an adoptive book for Primero – kind of like a baby book for him to keep and remember how we became a family. I’ve been thinking about the kinds of things I would want to include, especially the painful things from my past. I’ve already decided I will include my autobiography that I wrote for my family profile. What I really want is to convey to him how much I wanted to adopt him, to help him feel like he belongs. Primero is very adept at making himself look like he is fine, but every now and then his masks slips and I see the uncertainty. As an example – a few months ago we went swimming with a friend. It was a lovely day. Primero was wearing a ring and I suggested he take it off because it was going to tarnish in the pool water. He then proceeded to take my rings off, one silver ring I got from a jewelry party that I really like and my favorite ring, a little gold ring I bought myself as a 21^st birthday present in Athens, Greece. Well, unfortunately the little gold ring was lost and Primero blamed himself. I will say I was very distraught about this ring because it was irreplaceable. Primero posted something on Facebook about how sorry he was and I responded that it was an accident and he shouldn’t worry about it. In talking with him he revealed that he worried I would send him away because he lost my beloved ring. And my heart broke. Here I was so upset about some stupid ring while this child was walking on egg shells hoping and praying I wouldn’t kick him out for such an infraction. I grabbed him in a big bear hug and then held his head in my hands to stare straight into his eyes. “You are way more important to me than any ‘thing.’ Am I sad the ring is lost? Yes, I am. Do I blame you or want to send you away because of it? Never.” I saw tears in his eyes and he seemed unconvinced. I hugged him again and I said, “I love you unconditionally, that means there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you – no accident, no behavioral issue, no smart comment, nothing. You are my son and I love you no matter what you do. I would never dream of sending you away for any reason unless it was for you to get help.” He relaxed slightly but I ached for him because all night long he had tossed and turned about this missing ring and the unforeseen consequences stemming from its loss. It pained me to think that even though he loved me and trusted me, he still thought he could “mess this up” and get kicked out. I spent the rest of the day reassuring him he was staying and that I didn’t value the ring more than I did having him in my life.

 

I know, despite my reassurance to the contrary, Primero worries about getting moved again and losing his home with me. One time we were watching a kids TV show together and it was about how one character was adopted. He had lied to his mother that he was a history teacher when in fact he was a boxer. This infuriated his mother and she declared, “When I adopted you I should have kept the receipt,” implying she would return her son just like one returns an article of clothing they decided they didn’t like.  My sweet Primero turned to me and asked, “Is that true? Can you send an adopted child back?” I explained to him that once a child is adopted it would just as if they are biologically related to their parents. “Can you send a biological baby back?” I asked him. He said no, but did acknowledge the child could be given up for adoption and I admitted this could happen to a child who was adopted too. Then I told him, “I consider adoption to be forever. That means you are stuck with me until I kick the bucket, kiddo.” He laughed at the thought of me being old (until I reminded him he too would be much older) and seemed content with my answer.

 

Being a parent is never easy and I never thought it would be, but being an (almost) adoptive parent is a special level of difficulty in itself. As much as Primero reveals his fears about adoption, I too have my own insecurities involving adoption. My greatest fear currently is that Primero will run back to his biological family when he turns 18. He hasn’t even entered high school yet and already I fear the empty nest. I know my fears of rejection stem from Flaco leaving me, but it’s a hard fear to shake. It’s so hard to want to hold on to this boy with all I’ve got while realizing I need to let him fly and grow into an independent young adult. I always feel like our time together is fleeting and so I try so hard to squeeze in all the experiences I fear we will miss. I don’t know why I feel like our time is limited because I know I still spend time with my parents and I’m a grown up, so why wouldn’t Primero do the same? There are so many beautiful and positive aspects to adopting a teenager, so why am I so focused on the negatives? Fear, that nasty four letter word! I suppose it doesn’t help knowing that the adoption process is still in the infant stage and could take much longer than we had hoped. It lends itself to a feeling of suspended animation. But, as stupid as this might sound, the biggest hang up I have regarding our situation is what Primero calls me. I guess it’s because I waited so long to finally become a mother that I so desperately want to claim the title of “Mom.” Primero refers to me as his mom when talking to other people but he rarely addresses me as “Mom.” I so desperately want him to call me mom, but I know the transition is hard, since he’s been calling me by my name for seven months now. I keep hoping he is waiting until the actual official adoption to begin calling me mom, but I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up disappointed. The strange thing is that the little girl calls me “Mommy” but that doesn’t faze me as much as Primero not calling me mom…… I suppose Primero is just that special to me. Our relationship is strong and I’m sure it will only grow stronger, regardless of my title.

Going Under

It’s been a rough couple of weeks around here. My cat was sick and ultimately needed to be euthanized while his climbing vet bills wreaked havoc on my already scant finances and now this morning my car wouldn’t start after dropping off two of the three kids. I sat in the car with the baby waiting for my dad to arrive and I prayed for a miracle. He was able to get my car going but it probably needs a new alternator and it’s leaking coolant for some reason. I feel like I’m going under, I feel so defeated by everything I don’t even know I get up and function each and every day. I’m a tough chick, I’ve been through a lot in the past two years, but I’m getting tired. I’m so tired of the financial burdens that are pulling me under. My mom would tell me to unload some kids, this should help. Sure, paying for daycare isn’t helping matters but at this point it’s the kids that are keeping me going. Snuggling with the baby makes my financial woes fade a bit. I have contacted a credit counseling group to see about getting some help with this problem because I can’t keep carrying on like this. I feel like such a loser…….

 

The baby finally had his two month checkup, even though he’s now three months old, and a round of vaccinations. I was able to get answers to my questions, although the mystery of why the baby hates his car seat has not yet been solved. And there are no real solutions, other than try to find some toys or “get a mirror so you can see him behind you.” That, and pray he out grows the screaming fits in the car…. Overall, the baby is doing very well. He is growing like a weed and weighs 12 pounds now. The doctor was pleased with his progress and declared him fit and thriving. For that I’m glad.

 

The young man that Primero told me about from his after school program has a happy ending to his very sad story. The director of the program plans to adopt this young man and he had the kids at the program write letters to the young man who is staying in the residential facility while things get straightened out. Primero snuck a letter to his brother in amongst all the others. I was so glad to hear this boy would know kindness after the pain he has endured. I think it speaks volumes about the director (and his partner, since I imagine they are doing this together). He truly cares about the kids in his program. There aren’t enough good people like him out there!  

Worries and Whatnot

The baby is getting so big! He’s such a chunky monkey right now and interacting more and more with the rest of us. Even though he seems to be growing wonderfully, I still worry. I worry that maybe he isn’t attached to me as his primary care taker. I worry that he doesn’t make eye contact enough with those around him. I worry that there’s a problem because he cries incessantly in his car seat for even the shortest car ride. I worry that he throws up too much. I worry that he gets held too much or maybe not enough. I worry that he will never sleep through the night (that’s really a worry for me and not so much for him). I guess all moms of infants worry about these things (well, maybe not the attachment thing, that’s more of an adoptive mother worry) and it just means that you care. Still, I can’t wait for his checkup so I can bombard his doctor with all these questions. Mostly, I just want to bottle our time together because I never know if or when it will be over and I want to remember every tiny nuance and every little smile and giggle. I kiss him too much, hug him too tightly. I just want him to stay with us forever.

 

The little girl is doing pretty well. She still has her moments, but she’s a toddler, so it’s expected. She is so attached to Primero I think she likes him more than she does me. Every night she needs to give him a hug and a kiss before going to sleep. One day last week he was at an after school program and the little girl cried the whole way home after we dropped him off imploring me to go back and get him. He is getting better with her, but she still mostly drives him crazy and not always in a good way. When they play together it is rough, yet she likes it. The bed wetting is still an issue, one I hope is resolved soon because I’m so tired of washing the bed sheets (she wears a diaper or pull up but many times it’s not enough). She does well in her daycare and I have never had a bad report about her behaviors. She’s sassy and smart which can get her in trouble sometimes.

 

The foster family that has the girls older sister and baby-sits the baby while I work is probably putting a 30 days’ notice in on the older sister. They feel like they can’t turn around for a minute without the older girl getting into something she shouldn’t. She is at the age where she shouldn’t need constant supervision but she does. What’s more, she can be very rude and lacks manners (emulating behaviors seen in her mother, no doubt). I worry what this means for the little girl because she sees her sister pretty regularly with this other family and if the girl moves somewhere else that might not be the case. I guess we will deal with things as they happen…..

 

The after school program Primero is involved with has the many of the same kids he had camp with this past summer. He came home one day and told me a very sad story about a young man who had disappeared then came back to say good bye and explain what had happened. According to Primero, the young man arrived home late because a friend from the program gave him a lift rather than letting him walk the city streets after dark by himself. This apparently infuriated the boy’s mother and so she turned him over to BCCYS and because they didn’t have a foster home for him he was sent to the same facility where Primero’s brother currently resides. In fact, Primero’s brother sent a message with the kid asking Primero to write him a letter. This story is just so incredibly sad. The young man doesn’t really seem like a “bad” kid and to be so utterly rejected by your own family, I just cannot fathom that pain. Obviously, the mother’s side of the story was not told, so I suppose the whole thing needs to be taken with a grain of salt, but the fact remains this young man is in a facility where he doesn’t belong because he did nothing wrong legally. I hope he gets a happy ending, maybe a family member will step forward and give him a home. It makes me hug Primero a little tighter, grateful that he no longer has to worry about such an outcome, that he has found his forever home and can be at peace knowing he won’t ever have to move again

Birth Certificate Typo

So, Primero has court last Tuesday. Nothing new has changed in his case, other than with his brother being in care and his mother being incarcerated. The county did receive his original birth certificate and they found and problem with it – his name is different on his birth certificate than the name he uses. It seems like a simple typo, reversing a few letters, but it presents a small snafu to the whole adoption process. It’s kind of silly because he will get a new birth certificate once he is adopted and we could change his name at that point, if we so choose.

 

The adoption case worker said she had presented the paperwork to Primero’s mother a week or so ago and his mother just cried and couldn’t bring herself to sign the papers. The case worker planned to visit his mother again to see if she was ready to sign the paperwork and Primero asked her to say, on his behalf, that he would like her to sign the papers. I said I wanted to reassure his mother that we would not be cutting off all ties and that she could and I would encourage them to interact and have regular contact. But, I understand how hard it must be, how signing those papers would irrevocably change her life and the weight she must feel in that decision. Still, we hope she will find the strength to sign the papers and make the process go a little more smoothly for Primero’s adoption.

 

I could not love this boy an ounce more, even if he were mine by blood. I could not have imagined a more perfect son to call my own. We were texting after court and Primero stole just a little more of my heart with the sweet words he had to say.

“And I am happy that you are there for me. I finally have someone in my life that I can count on and I am happy about that and I am happy that it is you.”

I told him “Sometimes I worry that it’s just all too good to be true. I can’t have such a perfect, wonderful, amazing, fantastic, resilient, beautiful boy to call my son. My heart is bursting with joy and happiness.”

To which he said, “And sometimes I just think like I am living someone else’s life. I came from a very sh**ty life to one where I have everything I always wanted like a perfect mother that cares and that is sweet and kind and beautiful and amazing in so many ways.”  

How does this child not make your heart melt into a little mushy puddle? How could anyone believe that he is a troubled child, bound to tear my heart into oblivion with his wicked ways (like my former Pastora)? What teenage boy would say these kinds of things to his mother? He is such a good kid, sometimes it is almost hard to believe he is as good as he is. And the change I see in him, from when he first moved in until now is so profound and so inspiring. Here was a young man about to give up on himself, about to cast himself into the same troubled life he had always known, give up, stop trying. Then, in six short months, he’s the kid who is striving to do his best, to prove he can do better than before, putting forth amazing effort and dedication. All he needed was someone to be there for him, to love him for who he is and to not let him give up on himself. I can’t and I won’t take credit for the changed young man because it was all him. Primero dug deep and he found the courage to not give up. He found a reason to try and to try harder. He is my greatest blessing and my greatest inspiration. I am so proud of my son and so honored to call him mine.