Rumor has it......

As a foster parent I have to keep a lot to myself. It helps being able to talk to another foster parent about a situation, especially in the case right now where the other foster mother has an intimate knowledge of the case due to her involvement with all the children in a variety of capacities. This is why sharing a rumor with the other foster mother was easy. But, last Thursday I had to choose to share this rumor with the county and CHOR during a planning meeting. I kept it under my hat until the very end of the meeting. And then I reported the rumor that I heard from the grandmother. The county worker wasn’t surprised per se, but she was taken aback and dumbstruck by the idea that this rumor could be true mostly because it shows how irresponsible the little ones mother is and it also shed some light on the dysfunction of the family as well. I don't know what to make of it, so I'm filing it under "if it's true I'll freak out, if it's a lie it's a stupid thing to lie about." Until the rumor is confirmed true or false, I will keep it between those whom I've already told.

 

The little ones have court on Halloween and according to the county case worker we should be prepared for a long session because there will be testimony. I don’t know what this means, but I am already dreading this day. I’m sure it will be emotional and not a whole lotta fun. According the county, at this point it will not be recommended that the children return home. I’m wondering if the rumor I reported will be addressed during court. I vacillate between feeling bad for the kids mom and being somewhat disgusted with the choices she has made in her life. She is just a few months younger than me, so it is also strange to think that she is a contemporary, someone in the same peer group as me and yet our lives are so wholly different. It is also strange to think that the little ones mom, Primero’s biological mother, and me are all around the same age. Primero’s bio mom looks a whole decade older than me and the little ones mother acts like she is still a silly teenager. My heart goes out to these women for the trials they have had to endure in their lives, but at the same time, much of their pain is of their own making. Still, losing your children is something that is so hard to endure, I don’t know how they function. Most of the time when I kiss the baby’s sweet, soft, supple cheeks, I say a little prayer thanking God for the blessing it is to have him to love. But, sometimes as my lips caress his soft, downy hair I think of how hard it must be on his mother to know she is not the one smothering him with love, soothing him to sleep, or snuggling him close. It’s just not an easy thing.     

 

Monday was Columbus Day and so I had off of work. Two of the case workers came out to see us, since we were home during the day. The visit with Primero’s case worker was brief but she did report good news. Primero’s mother signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights, so the path to adoption is much smoother now. Thank God! She said no more was mentioned about me needing to be divorced first, so that too is a good thing. Full steam ahead! After the first case worker left, the little girls case worker stopped by. Since the girl was napping, we could actually talk about things without her interrupting. The little girl had been evaluated for wrap around services and also for therapy. The case worker wanted to know my thoughts on this, since her behaviors are much different since moving into my home. She also said the county stipulated that they wanted the girl in a pre-adoptive home before starting therapy and would I consider being that home. Oh wow! Now, when I took in the baby I knew they were calling his case legal risk, but no mention was made that the little girl was in the same situation although since they are siblings I guess one could assume. I didn’t answer the case workers question mostly because of Primero. He was there during the meeting and he heard the question, but I know he has complained a lot about not liking the little girl. I didn’t want to answer without talking to him and considering his opinion, although ultimately the decision was mine to make. We talked. I will consider being a pre-adoptive home for her. Although, the case worker didn’t know if that is even the direction this case is headed. I guess we will find out at court the end of the month. It’s crazy to think that after all the waiting and whining and wailing about not being chosen as an adoptive home and now I have been asked twice in the same year to be an adoptive home for kids already living with me! Well, to be technical, no one has asked me to adopt the little girl they just want to know if I would, should her case get to that point. This I have kind of been asked in the past only to have the kids leave (the two little ones I had last year).

 

There is another little hiccup to this peaceful bliss. We visited the farm on Sunday for my dad to look at my car to diagnose the issue. While there, out of earshot of any kids, my mom asked me if the little girl was  now permanent. It’s not the question itself but the tone in which she asked me. She doesn’t approve. I guess she feels like Primero, the little girl works on her nerves. I think I will keep yesterday’s revelation to myself then, and only share the news when/if things move in the direction of adoption. Am I crazy? I mean is it total lunacy to think that the current situation could become a permanent situation? Am I the only one who can see redeeming qualities in a little girl who has been jostled and traumatized so much in her short little life? Sometimes I don’t share things because I really just don’t feel like being judged. I don’t feel like having my every move put under a microscope to be scrutinized and picked apart. When my mother asked, “So, she’s permanent?” I said, “For now.” At the time that is all I knew. If someone asked me what is the one thing I wish everyone knew about foster care and foster-to-adopt it is this – I wish they knew that when the kids drive them crazy, they drive me crazy too but you have to see past that, past the behaviors you don’t like and find the good qualities because no child is a lost cause. Ok, so she whines, well so do I sometimes, she just needs to be taught not to do that and it’s a work in progress. Are all people’s biological children perfect? Do they not need guidance and to be taught the proper way to do things, to be respectful and behave appropriately? Is that not the job of every parent, not just foster or adoptive parents? She’s a hurt little girls probably in ways we can’t understand, in ways she surely doesn’t understand. What she needs is stability, love, and someone to stick it out with her, to show her the good stuff she does and never give up on her. That is what I wish people would see and understand. She is no less worthy of a loving family because she is annoying or whatever she does that bugs people, she is a little girl. Maybe I’m a dreamer or a wishful thinker, but I believe she is young enough and her behaviors are manageable enough that she can become a delightful little girl. She’s sassy and smart and if she is taught how to behave it can be a winning combination. Already, her case worker and others who have known her since she came into care, can see a difference in the way she acts and behaves. If she can change so much in two short months, imagine what she could do given a little more time and a little more permanency?