Adoption Book

I’ve been thinking about writing an adoptive book for Primero – kind of like a baby book for him to keep and remember how we became a family. I’ve been thinking about the kinds of things I would want to include, especially the painful things from my past. I’ve already decided I will include my autobiography that I wrote for my family profile. What I really want is to convey to him how much I wanted to adopt him, to help him feel like he belongs. Primero is very adept at making himself look like he is fine, but every now and then his masks slips and I see the uncertainty. As an example – a few months ago we went swimming with a friend. It was a lovely day. Primero was wearing a ring and I suggested he take it off because it was going to tarnish in the pool water. He then proceeded to take my rings off, one silver ring I got from a jewelry party that I really like and my favorite ring, a little gold ring I bought myself as a 21^st birthday present in Athens, Greece. Well, unfortunately the little gold ring was lost and Primero blamed himself. I will say I was very distraught about this ring because it was irreplaceable. Primero posted something on Facebook about how sorry he was and I responded that it was an accident and he shouldn’t worry about it. In talking with him he revealed that he worried I would send him away because he lost my beloved ring. And my heart broke. Here I was so upset about some stupid ring while this child was walking on egg shells hoping and praying I wouldn’t kick him out for such an infraction. I grabbed him in a big bear hug and then held his head in my hands to stare straight into his eyes. “You are way more important to me than any ‘thing.’ Am I sad the ring is lost? Yes, I am. Do I blame you or want to send you away because of it? Never.” I saw tears in his eyes and he seemed unconvinced. I hugged him again and I said, “I love you unconditionally, that means there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you – no accident, no behavioral issue, no smart comment, nothing. You are my son and I love you no matter what you do. I would never dream of sending you away for any reason unless it was for you to get help.” He relaxed slightly but I ached for him because all night long he had tossed and turned about this missing ring and the unforeseen consequences stemming from its loss. It pained me to think that even though he loved me and trusted me, he still thought he could “mess this up” and get kicked out. I spent the rest of the day reassuring him he was staying and that I didn’t value the ring more than I did having him in my life.

 

I know, despite my reassurance to the contrary, Primero worries about getting moved again and losing his home with me. One time we were watching a kids TV show together and it was about how one character was adopted. He had lied to his mother that he was a history teacher when in fact he was a boxer. This infuriated his mother and she declared, “When I adopted you I should have kept the receipt,” implying she would return her son just like one returns an article of clothing they decided they didn’t like.  My sweet Primero turned to me and asked, “Is that true? Can you send an adopted child back?” I explained to him that once a child is adopted it would just as if they are biologically related to their parents. “Can you send a biological baby back?” I asked him. He said no, but did acknowledge the child could be given up for adoption and I admitted this could happen to a child who was adopted too. Then I told him, “I consider adoption to be forever. That means you are stuck with me until I kick the bucket, kiddo.” He laughed at the thought of me being old (until I reminded him he too would be much older) and seemed content with my answer.

 

Being a parent is never easy and I never thought it would be, but being an (almost) adoptive parent is a special level of difficulty in itself. As much as Primero reveals his fears about adoption, I too have my own insecurities involving adoption. My greatest fear currently is that Primero will run back to his biological family when he turns 18. He hasn’t even entered high school yet and already I fear the empty nest. I know my fears of rejection stem from Flaco leaving me, but it’s a hard fear to shake. It’s so hard to want to hold on to this boy with all I’ve got while realizing I need to let him fly and grow into an independent young adult. I always feel like our time together is fleeting and so I try so hard to squeeze in all the experiences I fear we will miss. I don’t know why I feel like our time is limited because I know I still spend time with my parents and I’m a grown up, so why wouldn’t Primero do the same? There are so many beautiful and positive aspects to adopting a teenager, so why am I so focused on the negatives? Fear, that nasty four letter word! I suppose it doesn’t help knowing that the adoption process is still in the infant stage and could take much longer than we had hoped. It lends itself to a feeling of suspended animation. But, as stupid as this might sound, the biggest hang up I have regarding our situation is what Primero calls me. I guess it’s because I waited so long to finally become a mother that I so desperately want to claim the title of “Mom.” Primero refers to me as his mom when talking to other people but he rarely addresses me as “Mom.” I so desperately want him to call me mom, but I know the transition is hard, since he’s been calling me by my name for seven months now. I keep hoping he is waiting until the actual official adoption to begin calling me mom, but I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up disappointed. The strange thing is that the little girl calls me “Mommy” but that doesn’t faze me as much as Primero not calling me mom…… I suppose Primero is just that special to me. Our relationship is strong and I’m sure it will only grow stronger, regardless of my title.