Thankful but....

Last Friday I anxiously announced on Facebook that on 12/9/15 I would officially and legally become a mother. I foolishly thought this announcement would make things feel more real and get me more excited. I mean, I am excited and happy but there is also something missing. My announcement was met with cheers and congratulations, but to me it seemed lackluster. Certainly, it wasn’t the big reveal announcement I had dreamed of when I began my journey into motherhood. This is something I thought I had grieved before, but it’s come back and while I’m not gut-wrenchingly devastated, I am a little down. Maybe the let-down is that my parents seem ho-hum about it. Maybe because my sister didn’t even congratulate me at all, not on Facebook or in private, nada. I suppose my expectations were too high – I mean how excited can you get about court? Primero seemed a little miffed that I posted on Facebook and I don’t know why (I didn’t tag him or mention his name at all). I asked him if he wanted me to take it down and he said no, it didn’t bother him. Maybe he wanted to make the announcement? Maybe he didn’t want any fanfare at all? Maybe I’m a big fat idiot and I will always get it wrong? I don’t know. I am grateful, I want to be grateful for finally becoming a mother but…… But, there’s a but. Full-fledged happiness cannot be. Primero, at best, is equally happy as he is sad which is understandable. So I can’t be over-the-moon elated because he isn’t so I temper my joy with the reality of the situation. But, I think it’s more than that. I love Primero with all my heart and I am so blessed to become his mother and I wish I could stop there add the period and not finish the thought that goes BUT, I don’t feel like his mom, he doesn’t refer to me as his mom and so it’s…… It’s….. What is it? Less fulfilling? Awkward? Hard. It’s hard. Hard doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen, but it recognizes that real life isn’t all glitter and rainbows either. To be honest, I wish I felt more enthusiastic and maybe I will as that day approaches. But I am no less happy to be Primero’s parent.