The Why

Last week the CHOR adoption case worker came over to update my family profile and complete any odds and ends regarding the adoption application. She asked first about my name change and divorce. She asked why I (suddenly) decided to change my last name back to my maiden name. I explained that it wasn’t a sudden change, it was just that the divorce had finally happened and so I was legally able to change my name back, rather than continue to use his last name. She asked if the divorce represented a loss to me. Really? How could it not represent a loss, unless I never loved my ex to begin with….. But, I did love him and so yes, it was a loss. Then she asked how it was a loss. Seriously? I know she was just doing her job and all, but it was kinda crazy. The divorce was a loss of my marriage, a loss of love and trust, and a loss of the man I had fallen in love with. I was glad to move on from that topic. I didn’t find it painful to talk about it, I found it was annoying. Luckily, we moved on after my answer on how divorce was a loss to me.

She asked some other generic questions until she got to the big one – why did I decide to adopt Primero when I was so adamant about adopting a younger child? She said it was something “they” would want to know – whoever “they” are…. While I understand why they would question this, I also felt a bit like they were looking the gift horse in the mouth. From all reports by case workers and other CHOR staff, Primero and I were bonded and accepting of one another, just like a family. Why question the why when there’s never been a reason to before? Maybe this is something the county would want to know, since they are mostly out-of-the-loop when it comes to interpersonal understanding. So, I told her the story, similar to the one I expressed here and I elaborated on the whole turmoil I felt about keeping him as a foster care placement after the horrendous planning meeting and how I had no peace about the situation until we had a plan. It does me good to remember this story because it reminds me of just how special Primero is and I know it will help us get through these trying teenage years. The CHOR adoption case worker said it was a good story, and said that everyone at CHOR thinks I’m a rock star. I’m not, for the record. I think this blog clearly explains all my neuroses and idiosyncrasies, thus proving my fallible, human status.

Before she left she said she hoped to have the whole profile submitted to the adoption lawyer by the end of November. I held my breath so I wouldn’t make a face. She had originally old me by the end of October. She copied me on an email she sent to the county worker stating she hoped to have our file submitted in 2-3 weeks. And from what I heard, this means another 6-8 week wait for a date. So much for completing the adoption before the new year! This is so disappointing, but it is what it is and no amount of griping will change the course. Primero will be adopted when he is 16 years old. I don’t know if he would have agreed to the adoption knowing he would be so old when it happened. But, here we are, Primero will turn 16 in 4 days and the adoption is still looming on the horizon. Oh how slowly the wheels of this system turn!