Drama Momma

Wednesday night I was a momma in some serious drama. Things from this past weekend were still not settled and in fact went totally off the track Wednesday night. Primero ran away. I thought he was running with his sister and their friend (who is also 18) but I found out via Facebook that he was not with them. Because his sister feared police involvement she decided to let her 16 year old brother roam the streets at night alone. She had no idea where he was going or what he would do when she made the decision to not let him come along with them. And, because she was mad at me, she didn’t even have the decency to text me and let me know he was off alone. I text Primero (he wouldn’t answer my call) that he had until 10 to come home because I thought he was with his sister at their friend’s house. He was not. He refuses to tell anyone where he went, but said he was safe at a friend’s house. He didn’t come home by 10 so I did call the police. And I tried frantically trying to find out where he was. Sadly, I only started doing that when I realized he wasn’t where I assumed he was at, which was two hours after he left. I cannot describe the feeling of utter dread that washed over my body when I came to the realization that my son was somewhere, professing to be “safe” but no one knew where he was. I’m not gonna lie, I totally lost my mind. I was talking to his former CHOR case worker (because, like I said I was contacting EVERYONE to reach out to him) and couldn’t even breathe I was sobbing so hard. The police officer who came to my house was young, maybe my age but I suspect he was younger. He was nice and matter-of-fact. I think he handled the situation well, but at one point he indicated that the police have a lot on their plate (duh) and there had been a stabbing in the city not far from here. Let me tell you, this was the closest I have ever come to a full-on panic attack. Had it been the 1800’s I might have swooned. I needed my son home that very minute! Luckily, he talked to his case worker. Not at first, but eventually he began to calm down and speak to her. His aunt contacted me via Facebook after I asked if Primero went to their house (he could conceivably walk there, they don’t live that far) and then she called his oldest brother Mr. J. Poor Mr. J was totally out of it, he was fast asleep because he had to be up early for work. He called me and said he spoke with Primero and that he was fine and at a friend’s house. I said that wasn’t good enough and the cop took my phone to talk to Mr. J. The cop explained that I was filing a missing person’s report for Primero. He said there was a limited time frame where he could delay initiating the report in the database, but once he did that the cops would need to physically see Primero in my custody before they could stop searching for him. And, if Primero did this as a habit, they could put him in a juvenile facility (where Primero landed right before he came into care – although he was there in the shelter, not the side for wayward teens). Of course, this was the angle Mr. J played up to Primero to force him home. Primero agreed to meet his brother at a gas station and to come home. But, he refused to talk to me. He text me that he hated me. Well, you really aren’t parenting a teenager if you don’t get told at least once that you are hated. Like I said, I would give anything to have him back home, so when he marched into the house in full defiance mode, not even glancing at me, I said not one word to him. I thanked his brother and went to my bedroom. Primero took a very long shower (to annoy me I suspect) and went to his room. All I wanted to do was hug him, but I refrained and satisfied myself with watching his defiant back disappear downstairs to his room.

 

Primero and I managed to talk yesterday to work things out. He is worried about his sister, which I understand, but I told him he is my priority right now. Not to say I don’t care about Esperanza, but I need to make sure we are ok first. Things are improving with us. In many ways Primero is more mature than his older sister. He is certainly more reasonable. Maybe it’s just because Primero and I have had more time together to work out these kinks. Or maybe it’s because Primero knows deep down that whatever I do, even if I’m acting like a total bitch, I never stop loving him and caring about him. And I think, no matter how angry he gets, he trusts that. If nothing else, Primero trusts that I love him. With that at the core, I think he knows we can always reassemble our relationship if we need to and we can always figure things out because we always have. This is the first big fight Esperanza has had with me. And she doesn’t trust that I love and care for her. She thinks I’m against her. She thinks she is disposable to me because she has been to every other adult who claimed to care about her. The reason this blew up Wednesday night? Because I said I was beginning to understand her previous guardian’s side of things. I didn’t say I thought what that guardian did was right or that it meant Esperanza was undesirable in any way, just that she is not easy to resolve problems with. Teenagers who grew up in loving homes with two parents, plenty of food, no attachment issues, and living comfortably middle class are still drama-filled hooligans from time to time. Take my brother as an example. But, kids who grew up with trauma, instability, and dysfunction take drama to a whole new level. It is clear to every adult I speak with that Esperanza is not acting her age. It is clear she is acting more like a 14 year old than like an 18 year old. Unfortunately, that doesn’t matter to the law. Legally she is an adult, even if she is truly incapable of acting like one. And, sadly, she cannot see past her trauma to recognize when someone truly cares about her. She doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust my love or even believe I love her. She thinks it’s me against her or that I’m the one making a big deal out of things. I’ve spoken to her school social worker, who tried to set up a meeting with the two of us and she is obviously concerned with Esperanza’s academic future. But, agrees that perhaps Esperanza just needs to make some poor choices before she learns the hard way. In any event, I’m hoping this weekend will be a lot less dramatic.