Time to Reconnect

Yesterday morning I had a meeting at the daycare with Chica Marie’s mobile therapist and the daycare owner. We were trying to brainstorm how to help Chica Marie since she is struggling so much at daycare and lashing out both towards her teachers and her friends. The daycare is not looking to have her leave but they are as frustrated as I am with how she behaves. We didn’t really come up with any concrete solutions because Chica Marie is really not into working towards rewards (she shows little interest) and she’s fairly impervious to consequences, so she’s definitely a tough nut to crack. The only thing we managed to put into place is to have her therapist go to the daycare the same day and time each week to help work with Chica Marie one-on-one. The therapist stayed after I left yesterday and last night she reported that the class Chica Marie is in is rather chaotic and was (at least yesterday, if not all days) very unstructured. For a child like Chica Marie, who needs and craves and can really only survive with structure, this is problematic. I sensed that the therapist almost wanted to recommend finding a new, more structured daycare. I really don’t want to have to go that route, but if it means Chica Marie can be more successful I might have to do it. The therapist did say yesterday seemed to be an off day because of the two hour delay putting the school age kids at daycare longer than normal. Sadly, the end result of yesterday was Chica Marie smacking another girl in the head with a bucket causing a large red welt for which she showed no remorse. Not great.

 

Last night, as I was wishing my father a happy birthday, I overheard Primero telling Esperanza over the phone about an issue going on with someone at the after school program. I asked him what was going on after we both finished our conversations and he said he didn’t want to tell me. Eventually, I got from him that his girlfriend had cheated on him (again) with her ex-boyfriend and the father of her child. Primero said he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want my opinion on the matter. Wanting to be there for him, I kept my opinion about his girlfriend to myself and tried to just listen as he read aloud the text he was composing to send to her ex. Primero blames a great deal of the issue on the ex because he comes around too often (with the premise that he’s there to see his daughter) and has tried stuff in the past. I feel fairly certain that the girlfriend and this boy have done more than they are letting on and that the girlfriend only brings it up because A) other people know about it and B) she craves the attention and the drama. When Primero brought it up again this morning he said he didn’t have plans to break-up with her because she forgave him twice (once for sending compromising pictures to another boy and once for kissing a friend on a dare). I asked where that would end, if they would keep going tit for tat that way indefinitely. He didn’t answer. The last time the girlfriend cheated, it was a kiss she insisted she wanted nothing to do with and was in fact, forced upon her (because you know, you can’t just turn your head when someone tries to kiss you….). This time there was more interaction that just a kiss and I suspect, more happened than even Primero knows about. And apparently this all happened at a baby shower. Nice! Primero said he has plans to talk to his girlfriend face-to-face today.

 

I hate how Primero seems to act like a doormat, letting this girl walk all over him. I’m glad he can be forgiving, but I sense that this “relationship” really isn’t about puppy love or a desire to be in a loving relationship. I worry that this is a relationship of convenience for Primero, meaning he’s using the girlfriend as a cover to keep up his bi-sexual appearance and not get into a gay relationship with another boy. For as long as I have known Primero he has shown a greater interest in boys than in girls, even though he’s only dated girls. Initially, he insisted he was straight and it was slowly, over time, that he revealed he was bi-sexual. To this day he insists he won’t “do” anything with a boy (beyond kissing and touching) and refuses the label “gay” while embracing his bi-sexual status with gusto. I only want him to be happy and to have a happy future. I worry that if he continues to feel this need to put up a façade and date girls while secretly desiring guys, he will only end up hurting himself and those who get caught up in this web. Of course, I can’t figure this out for him, he needs to figure it out for himself. I hope he will keep letting me in and I will try to keep my opinions to a minimum. But really, this is what mom’s do – they worry about their children and don’t want to see them being hurt.

 

I’m glad we will have time together this weekend because I think we really need it to reconnect. I feel like it’s been a long time (and it probably has been a very long time) since Primero and I did anything alone. I miss that and I’m hoping to implement some type of schedule where Primero and Chica Marie (and maybe even Esperanza if things improve) can each get time alone with me once a month or every 6 weeks or so. I will allow Primero to choose the event or what he might like to do and I will try to allow Chica Marie the same, but perhaps with some guidance. I’ve also thought about including her sister on some of our outings. The mobile therapist really encouraged me to get more alone time with Chica Marie so I know I need to make an effort. It will be easier once the weather is nice again because we could do simple things like go for a bike ride or go to a park. I did take Chica Marie on a girls day to the museum around this time last year but I don’t think she really understood what was happening and she kept asking about the boys and why they weren’t along with us. Maybe, now that she’s a little older, she will enjoy alone time with me a little more. I guess we shall see!