Tit for Tat

Today it’s my fault. Last week it was Esperanza’s fault, but yesterday and today it’s all me. Chica Marie was acting out in daycare last week and got written up on Thursday. Honestly, it wasn’t unexpected. The drama and stress from the big kids was palpable in the house, so I’m sure she felt that and it worried her. So, she acted out. But, yesterday I was short-tempered and so she reacted negatively and it has flowed into issues at daycare again today. Saturday I went to my aunt’s birthday party and there were two little kids there almost the exact same age as Chica Marie and Love Bug (the girl will be 5 next month and the baby is 17 months). Twinsies! Only, not. These kids were calm (by kids standards) and listened to their parents. They did not act as if they were trying to pull the house down upon them and all the other occupants. That is how my two act. I’m sure I was just seeing these kids on their best behaviors and certainly there was a comfort level, since they were in their grandparents home, but for some reason it made me feel like I was doing a terrible job parenting my little ones. Of course, this irrational thinking seemed totally “normal” to me and being coupled with a flat tire on the way home, I was beat. The stress of the week had finally gotten to me, which lead to me waking up on the wrong side of the bed Sunday morning. I was short with the little ones and had no patience for anything they did. Sadly, this resulted in a lot of unproductive yelling. And so Chica Marie retaliated in her way with belligerence, defiance, stealing candy at the grocery store and just generally being disagreeable. This is still how she is behaving today and thus the morning phone call from the daycare. They too are feeling the frustration with Chica Marie. The owner asked to have a meeting with myself and her mobile therapist so we can work on some kind of game plan. I’m beginning to feel hopeless that anything will help alleviate these behaviors, but I have to keep trying for her sake. When she’s good she is the most caring and adorable child. Sadly, this is not how she is generally remembered, but it’s good to know she has it in her.

 

The teenage saga drags on into its second week but I now really need to bow out of it. I had been keeping an ear to the ground, trying to be as open as possible to fixing the situation, but now I need to just walk away. I can’t keep hanging on when it is clearly affecting Chica Marie and our relationship. I need to refocus and get my head back in the game. I guess I never knew how dependent Chica Marie’s behaviors were on my own moods. I need to pay closer attention and be sure I keep the stress in check so I can behave appropriately. Easier said than done!

 

I finally spoke with my mom regarding the whole situation and her solution was to strip the household down to just me and Primero. She thinks I don’t have a life outside “these kids” (which I’m sure could have been said about her when she was a stay at home mom alone on the farm) and that I’m doing too much and can’t “handle all these kids.” This is what I get for admitting it’s hard to do it on my own. Not an offer to step in and give me a breather, but admonishment that I shouldn’t be doing it at all. I used to think I had a pretty good network, but when I really need people they all seem to dry up. I guess that isn’t fair because they do all have lives themselves and maybe I’m too good at being strong and so they don’t realize just how deep the shit is that I’m in. They assume if it looks like I can handle it, then I can. But, I’m feeling pretty depleted and need some time to recharge. Anyone wanna bring over a casserole and bottle of wine? No? Ok, then I guess I will just soldier on alone.