Great Expectations

Comparison is a thief; it robs the comparer of accepting their own joys because they are not the same as someone else’s. Human tendency is to compare our “worst” with someone else’s “best” and, of course, this equates dissatisfaction because your apples will simply never be those oranges you think you want. Coupled with comparison is it’s cousin, expectations which are simply assumptions for how you believe things will go. In the world of infertility, comparisons are so easy to come by. Whether it be the relative having a second or third child or the derelict addict losing her fourth child to the Child Welfare System – comparisons are a dime a dozen, with much more costly ramifications. These comparisons don’t add anything to our lives, they simply make us bitter, despising the lot we were cast into and compounding the suffering we feel in our empty arms. Toss in a healthy sense of worthy/unworthy and the depression only deepens. Of course this stems from unrequited expectations – you believed your life would follow a particular pattern, you thought you knew how things would go. But, this assumption was wrong and those expectations will be left achingly wanting. At the center of this vortex is desire, the strong pull of getting what you want. And, as we all know, sometimes in life you just don’t get what you want.

 

Sadly, unless mindfully nipped in the bud, these coupled emotions of comparison and expectations can still be instigating feelings of despair even once the desired outcome is achieved. Too often a woman pregnant after infertility complications feels she needs to downplay her pregnancy or is fearful of celebrating because the story line no longer follows the path she thought it would. Perhaps her pregnancy was achieved using donor eggs or sperm or both. A couple resolves their infertility through adoption but still laments the lack of biological connection and the bitter-sweet that is adoption. Couples who decide to live childless after battling infertility might still occasionally feel the ache of an unfulfilled yearning. Comparison, expectations – they rob us of so much!

 

My life did not go as I had planned. I didn’t think I would be where I am today. I am grateful and I know I am blessed but sometimes I am left breathless when I think of how wrong my expectations were or if I start comparing my life to that of someone else, someone fertile. When I mentally start tiptoeing down that path I tell myself the same thing I tell my teenage son about certain life choices – what good does it add to my life? In the context of my son, I ask him to think about what good trying pot would add to his life. For myself, I ask what good thinking about how I thought things would go will do for me. The answer is, none. Thinking about how I expected to follow the age-old path of marriage, house, babies and how I never envisioned myself being a single parent does not add substance or quality to my life, it only detracts. Looking around at people who have adorable, loving husbands and beautiful children and turning green with envy does not make my life better in any way.

 

I have been talking to my therapist about my expectations, mostly in terms of a potential partner, and I am only beginning to realize how often I had preconceived expectations that trip me up when they don’t come to fruition. Too often I allow myself too much time contemplating how things didn’t go as I expected rather than dealing with the present and how things are in reality. I struggle with letting go of expectations and embracing my reality; I fight so hard against what I didn’t want to happen that sometimes I end up fighting myself out of joy. I didn’t expect to be infertile, but I am. Holding on to the pain of infertility has only led me to miss out on the joys of parenting my children. I now actively avoid flirting with the thief comparison and too, I’m fighting the good fight with expectations not just in infertility but in all areas of my life. Living with expectations narrows my life to what my brain can compose; living a life with no expectations is much more expansive and I’d rather have wide open options than narrow choices. Life is a journey and I want to enjoy the ride, bumps and all!

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