Guarded but Open

When Primero’s adoption was pending and we were working through his concerns about what our future would look like together, his therapist suggested we view adoption as a marriage. In a marriage the groom does not lose his family, the bride does not lose her family; instead, the groom gains his wife’s family as in-laws and the wife gains the groom’s family as in-laws. She suggested our adoption would be the same; Primero would gain my family and retain his own. I totally understood this looking at it from his perspective, but I don’t think I really saw it that way for me. I didn’t object to being involved with his family, or spending time with them, I just didn’t make it personal, I didn’t seem them as mine. But, over time  I think that has changed.

 

Easter weekend Primero’s mom was looking for a place to stay because she got into an argument with the person she had been staying with and needed to get out. She called Primero while he was out running an errand. So, he called me, putting me on the spot, and asked if his mom could crash at our place for a night or two. I hemmed and hawed about it, but he kept pressing me for an answer so I relented. But, because I was already so stressed about getting things done for the next day (Easter) and that the house was one hot mess, I text him and suggested she stay in a hotel. I offered to put her up for the night. Somehow, Primero didn’t see the one night part and put her up for two nights. I was angry to have to pay for her hotel for a night, let alone two. She’s an adult and she made this mess for herself! Primero and I fought about it and his stance was, well if we have the money why can’t we help my mom, even if it’s a problem of her making?

 

I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, not at all. But, I have done a LOT for his siblings, for his family. This was just one more thing, one more way my family has grown to include people I never thought it would before adoption. Esperanza moved to another state but doesn’t want to stay there. I was looking at a 6 hour drive one-way to pick her up, until her ex-boyfriends mother said she would drive her back next weekend. She isn’t my child, not my responsibility by birth or any such thing, but she knew I’d be a reliable option to get out of a situation she didn’t want to be in anymore. At this point, it’s almost second nature to me.

 

But, open adoption looks so differently from Primero and his family, to the little ones. With Chica Marie and Love Bug, I have limited contact with their maternal grandmother and only one of their 7 siblings. Sadly, my relationship with the little one’s grandmother has soured and while I would never not allow the children to spent time with her, I am definitely more guarded. My hope is that someday we can feel more comfortable interacting with one another. I had such high hopes from the sibling picnic this past summer but it didn’t seem to bring us any kumbaya moments. It makes me sad because I’d like to have more involvement for the children, but it is what it is. I really regret the things that happened with Grandma and Mini Momma because we do see them fairly regularly and now I feel squirrely about it, but I can’t undo what’s been done. My hope is that a few years from now things are going well and these feelings will be a distant memory. Fingers crossed.