Getting Back into It

We are four days into the new year and it still feels a lot like 2018. Last year wasn’t a bad year, it could never be because it was the year we officially became a family of four, but it also wasn’t a super-great year either. It was ok. And, thus far, 2019 has been ok. We are getting back into our schedules, after being away from school and work for longer-than-normal stretches. My sinus infection has followed me into the new year. I realized, thanks to the magic of Facebook, this is the third year in a row I have had a sinus cold for the new year. I wonder if it is the stress of the holidays or some lingering thing from the fall allergy season. Someone suggested I might be allergic to our live Christmas tree. Well, the tree is leaving this weekend, so if it is the culprit I should feel better very soon.

 

There are other left-overs that have straddled last year and the current one. Love Bug is still being evaluated for autism. I have come to peace about the whole matter. It isn’t so important to me what label they give him, just so we have a solid game plan going forward and in place for when he starts school. They can call it whatever they want, just so he is successful in school and in life. I don’t know when we will get a final decree, but it seems the mobile therapist who was working under the impression that Love Bug had ADHD, has seemed to cross over to the autism side. We shall see what that means in terms of the services he will receive. I think he will be ok to be in a traditional classroom setting, maybe with support from a TSS worker or something like that. He is smart, like his sister, so I am less-concerned academically, only about things he doesn’t like doing like writing.

 

I haven’t spoken to my mom since Christmas Eve. I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I thought about texting her and letting her know the kids liked their presents, but that seemed cruel. So, I’ve said nothing. What is there for me to say? I didn’t do anything, other than try to have a nice Christmas. I doubt she will reach out to me first and so here we are – at an impasse. I don’t want to continue to allow my mom to make me feel bad about myself. I don’t want to hear how I am a bad daughter and how I don’t do enough. If she refuses to see this isn’t a one-sided issue, what can I do? She won’t ever apologize. Not sincerely anyway. She might say something like, “I’m so sorry I’m such a terrible mother” or something along those lines. Not a genuine apology for the shit-show she created. I don’t want to write her out of my life, like she has done with other members of her family (currently her youngest brother) but at the same time I don’t want her toxicity to keep dragging me into the pit of despair either.

 

I want to leave a lot of negativity in 2018 because my hope for 2019 is that there are more smiles, more giggles, more happiness and more joy.