Exhausted

I am thoroughly exhausted. I spent the weekend at a yoga retreat, which sounds relaxing but was not, for many reasons. Physically, there were activities that kept us hopping. Emotionally, there was drama with other participants and difficulties with my sister. Initially I was going to travel with the group leader and others from Harrisburg to West Virginia. At the last minute, my sister decided she didn't want to drive five hours alone. She was going to meet the same group in Hagerstown. After securing a ride she changed her mind again and asked if I would meet her in D.C and drive her car to the destination. I explained that I didn't want to leave Primero without transportation, so I couldn't drive down to her place. She suggested I check the train. She would cover the cost. So, I ended up taking the train from Lancaster, to Philly and then onto D.C. And, because my sister was going to be on conference calls, I also needed to take the metro to her place. For the return train, I had to leave early Monday morning, which meant one more night away from the kids, plus I had to get up at 2:50 am to take a Lyft to catch the 4:30 am train.

The trip down to West Virginia was long because we hit some traffic and also kept running into rain storms. My sister spent most of the time working on her computer, so I tried to not chatter too much so I didn't disturb her. We stopped once for a late lunch, just outside D. C. and once for gas and to switch drivers. We arrived in time for dinner at the group cabin at the retreat. We met most of the fellow participants and tried to determine where we would be bunking. The leader of the group disappeared and my sister ended up knowing one of the participants because she used to date her cousin and they were in 4-H together. So, they mentioned they had three empty beds and we decided to bunk with the 4-H girl, her friend and two women friends close to our mother's age. This ended up being a blessing, since our group got along well with no drama.

We had an early outdoor yoga class Saturday morning. The Friday night class was cancelled due to rain. The ground was still soggy and the trees still drippy, but the class was a good one. We cleaned up quickly and changed to get ready for stand up paddle boarding. After a 30 minute ride and a bus break-down, we arrived at a wide river where gleaming boards were lined up waiting for us. We were given a life preserver, assigned a board and paddle and after a few minutes of instruction, we were out on the river. There was a strong current due to waterfalls just upstream, but there were quiet areas. We paddled to a calm stretch and then I tried to stand up from the kneeling position. It was incredibly hard, I honestly didn't think I would be able to stand up, but I persevered and managed to make it to a shaky standing position. I stood for  bit but eventually belly flopped on my board. I was happy I didn't land in the water. I managed to get back on my feet, but soon I was fatigued and sat back down. We eventually did some meditation on our boards before being instructed to paddle to a cliff alongside the river for a group photo. I tried paddling sitting down, but it was hard to get momentum. I stood up again and finally found my footing. I was able to move more easily and quickly. I was so proud of myself. My sister bragged that she did some yoga poses on her board.

We had lunch back at the retreat before heading out for a hike. I joked with my sister that she would not want to hike with me, she promised she would hike ahead and wait for me to catch up, like she did with her husband. We set off and pretty soon I was left behind, in my sister's dust. Another participant, known for being the clown of the group, stayed behind with me. He chatted and played music as we hiked along. We finally caught up to the rest of the group at the end of the hike, overlooking the huge bridge spanning the gorge. We snapped a few pictures, drank some water, and started the trek back. As I trudged up the include surrounded by wild rhododendron bushes, the air was heavy and thick. I was having an allergy flare up and could not breathe through my nose. I began to wheeze and feel lightheaded. I stopped and leaned on a tree to catch my breath. I tried to encourage my hiking partner to move on without me. There were plenty of people on the train if something were to happen to me. But, he refused. Once I was able to breathe a bit better, we slowly made our way down the trail. We almost made a wrong turn, but eventually we met up with the rest of the impatient group, who were already waiting in their cars. I was feeling pretty awful. We rode back to the main cabin and showered before having a nice steak dinner.

Some of the drama that was evident in part of the group began to ooze out when the majority of the participants went on an evening hike to see the fleeting sunset. One of the women made a scene and got angry because a few of us were on our phones around the camp fire. I was checking to see if Primero had contacted me to say good night to the kids. My sister and two other women were sharing yoga music on Spotify. I was feeling so awful, I was tired and I just wanted to say good-night to my kids and go to bed. I let my mouth loose and suggested the woman get a life, unkindly. Not long after, we were able to get back to our cabin to get to bed. Then the group leader came and interrupted our evening to talk about more drama that happened with the drunken group of participants.

I was not sleeping well in the bunk bed. There wasn't a pillow that worked for me and I tossed and turned, in addition to my head cold/allergies. I ended up leaving the sleeping loft and moving to the sofa. The next morning all but one other woman got up with my sister and joined her yoga class. I really wanted to go, but I was feeling so terrible, I just couldn't get myself in gear. I did get some Advil from my sister, but she never asked if I was feeling better or why I was asleep on the couch in the living room. The other woman and I were invited to have breakfast with the neighboring cabin, who made an egg scramble over a fire. They even had creamer for their coffee. I was feeling much better after breakfast. I got myself ready for white water rafting, worrying about how long it was taking the yoga class to get back. My sister rushed into the cabin and hurriedly got ready while barking orders at me. She got angry when I tried to explain the directions to where we needed to meet the bus for rafting. I got angry back and told her she needed to stop yelling at me, especially since I was trying to help.

Rafting was amazing and it was a beautiful, warm and sunny day. The ride back was also a thrill, as the road was steep, twisty, and narrow. We packed our stuff, ate a quick lunch, and hit the road. I did the lion's share of the driving until I had to stretch and use the restroom. My sister drove the last hour or so until we reached her place.

In order to be able to participate in the rafting, I needed to find an early morning train on Monday. The last train on Sunday left at 6 and didn't get back to Lancaster until almost midnight. So, I took a train at 4:30, meaning I had to get up at 2:50 am. When I got home, I needed to get Primero to school. I thought Chica Marie had school but when I went to drop her off, a sign on the door said school was closed. I had planned to keep Love Bug home with me because I know my being gone was going to put him in a funk. I ate a quick breakfast and wanted to lie down for a little before leaving for an appointment with the nutritionist. The kids fought with each other incessantly, making napping impossible. After my appointment Primero told me the washer was not working. He said it was not emptying the water. I fiddled with it, but I'm pretty sure the drum belt is broken or something like that. After Chica Marie's baseball game, I gave the kids a bath and then collected the dirty laundry and took it to the laundromat. I was finally able to get to bed just before midnight.

Today I went to Love Bug's IEP meeting and work. I took Love Bug to his baseball game but he was not having any part of it. I couldn't get him on the field, he ran off and was not listening at all. So, we left. But, not before he screamed at me and kicked me while I tried to strap him into his carseat. I ugly cried the whole way home. I had forgotten how my sister makes me feel inconsequential and lame. Only to hear all the problems with Love Bug and be essentially told no therapies will help him because I don't want to change daycares for a place more structured. I felt so worthless. A worthless sister. A worthless mother. Just generally incompetent and incapable of doing anything correctly. Maybe some sleep will help.