Back to Hard Times

We are back into hard times. Behaviors are through the roof and I mean all of us. I practically had a nervous breakdown last week. Things are not great. Is it because we are moving into the holiday season? Is it just the natural swing of things? I don’t know. I don’t really care, to be honest. I only care about coming back into balance. Right now, everything we do feels like an arduous chore. Simple things, like getting ready in the morning, are goliath tasks that zap my energy and make me miserable, quite frankly. But, it doesn’t stop there. Evenings are just as miserable with mega fights and tantrums. And, it is all my fault and I need to fix it all. Or at least that is how it feels. Last Monday the case worker from CHOR, who has been helping with the post-permanency advocacy services, was visiting and it was a solid two hours of Love Bug at his worse. He wanted snacks. Incessant snacks, keep them coming or else he kicks, hits, tries to bite, climbs on the counters or kitchen table, screams and pretty much does everything in his power to make all our lives miserable. And, because he was getting a lot all of the attention, Chica Marie decided to add to the frustration by starting her own anger campaign. She threatened to run away, packing random things in her backpack and putting on her coat. This eventually turned into a screaming diatribe on what an awful mom I am and how I only give the boys attention. She has also been acting up in school and daycare and things are just one big hot mess right now. And I want out. People always ask me what I do for myself and I try to do things. I’ve joined a Women’s Empowerment group, I take time to do things by myself, the kids even went into respite last weekend. But, I feel like no matter what I do it isn’t enough to shake off this eternal fatigue I feel with the kids. Because no matter how great it is to be away from them, I have to come back to it and the horrid mess and the tantrums and it just doesn’t even seem worth it. I need like a solid month away to really make any kind of difference. How is this our life? I can’t stand my kids most of the time. I don’t like being around them for large chunks of the day. This is not ok! This is not how I wanted things to go! I am not enjoying motherhood the way I thought I would. I would like to tell you that my difficult kids make me a better mom, but that is a lie. It makes me a worse mom. I am impatient and frustrated most of the time. I feel like I cannot go on. I expend most of my energy and time trying to make things easier and better for my kids and it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. I wish I could just go away. Wake up on a quite island by myself. No one screaming for breakfast. No one making any demands of me at all.  

Not Quite the Same Thing

I hate when a married parent says to me, “Oh, yeah I totally get how hard it is because my significant other works long hours/goes away on many work trips. So hard.” Um, no. Hard no. You do not understand being a single parent. Yes, it might be hard when your partner is not there for 5 out of 7 bedtime routines or when you are always the parent to stay home with a sick kiddo. It is hard being the one to prepare dinner 90% of the time or being the only parent available to check homework or run this kid to soccer and that kid to dance class. Parenting is hard even if you are not doing it solo. But, please do not tell me your partner working long hours is the same thing as being a single parent because it just isn’t. Do you have someone to bounce ideas off of even if it’s just the last 15 minutes before you fall asleep? Do you have someone to go to parent-teacher conferences with or at least share what you learned? Is there a second income coming into your home? Or someone staying home to save on daycare costs? Does your partner make time to help out, even if it is only once a week or a few times a month? If yes, then you have no idea what it is like to be a single parent. I do not have any of that. There is no one going to conferences with me or to talk about all the hard behaviors we deal with on a daily basis. There is no one who can tag me out when I need a breather or when I am sick. Anytime I am not with my children, I am paying someone else to be with them (unless Primero is available which is becoming less and less of a thing). No one else does the nightly routine. No one else takes off for doctor’s appointments or when a child is sick (or suspended, more likely). So, please I know you are trying to empathize with me, but do not tell me having a partner who works a lot is “just like” being single. You really have no idea. 

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Adoption is Complicated

“Honestly adopting kids is something I’ve always wanted to do. Yes having your own baby is beautiful, and I would wanna experience it. But I feel like taking someone in who don’t have no one so they can feel loved is so outstanding and is just as pure, ya feel.”

My cousin posted this on her Facebook page. Besides the atrocious grammar issues, it really rubbed me the wrong way. In light of November being National Adoption Awareness month I decided to not scroll on by and let it go. Instead I said the following “I understand the sentiment of this, however there are some difficulties in what is said. One, my children are my own. We don't share biology, but they are my children. Two, they are not "someone who don't have no one" this makes them sound like stray animals. They were not unwanted or unloved before they came to me. It's more complicated than that. The "outstanding" and "pure" feeling is probably not how adoptees would describe adoption. It is much more complex. The thing no one includes in quotes is the loss. My children suffered a terrible loss when they came to my home. It shouldn't be over-looked. Sorry, it's national adoption awareness month and I just wanted some reality to be attached to a quote like this....”

She didn’t respond, which doesn’t surprise me, but I think if anyone is going to promote adoption they should do it with their eyes wide-open to reality. There are beautiful sides to adoption but there are also hard truths that can’t be overlooked. I love my children, I’m glad they are my children, but in order for that to happen they had to be removed from their mother and that should never be forgotten.   

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Vehicle Freedom

Last month we went on two long-distance trips without Primero. Columbus Day weekend we took a trip to visit Esperanza in Buffalo. I have been missing her and while she keeps saying she will come down for a visit, it doesn’t happen. So, I found a relatively cheap AirBnB so we drive the six hours to visit her. Primero was supposed to go along with us, but he “forgot” to ask off and then couldn’t find anyone to replace him. So, I braved the trip by myself with much miss-giving. The kids did really good on our trip to Virginia Beach in August and the distance was about the same.

We had a beautiful, crisp autumn morning when we set out. At first, Love Bug did really good, thinking we would soon be there. After a short time, however, he lost his patience. We were not quite half-way into our journey, but I promised to stop and get something to eat. Love Bug napped a bit after we ate but was impatient and screaming when he woke up. The drive was gorgeous due to the leaves being in peak color in northern Pennsylvania and New York.

The ironic thing was, I had gotten a new phone the night before our trip because my old phone would not charge in the van. I discovered the morning we were leaving that my new phone was not compatible with any of the charging cords, so I couldn’t charge it either. Thankfully, the battery was on 9% by the time we reached our destination.

I had never stayed in an AirBnB before. We actually staying in a bedroom in the apartment of two men. We had our own bathroom, but the rest of the space was shared. It was a little awkward. Thankfully, the men were understanding with my children. They were not the least bit awkward, chatting and exploring and just being themselves. For me, it felt like more work trying to keep my kids in check the entire time. Luckily, it wasn’t a very long visit, just two nights.

Since Buffalo is close to Niagra, we decided to spend a day exploring the park and seeing the falls. Primero and I had visited the falls the last time we were in Buffalo to pick up Esperanza but we did not spend much time there. So, there was a special ticket which allowed us to visit the aquarium, museum, ride the Maid of the Mist and see the movie about the falls. If I had been by myself I would have spent a lot more time at each location, but Love Bug does not have that kind of patience. He almost didn’t go on the boat because he was afraid. It was such an awesome experience. You can really feel the power of the water on the boat as the mist pelts your face. It would have been a little more enjoyable if it has been a little warmer, but it was still so cool. We got pretty close to both falls and got pretty wet despite our bright pink ponchos. Mostly, we just had a great time being with Esperanza.

It was a little strange to go from being in her sparsely furnished apartment and back to the more elegant apartment where we were staying. We were definitely swinging between two different economic classes. Esperanza’s boyfriend didn’t want to buy much furniture until they find a more permanent place. So, we had the choice to stand or sit on the floor. The floor they explained had been covered in trash just a few months prior when they first moved in. Our visit ended abruptly when Esperanza’s boyfriend and his brother started smoking pot. Esperanza got very angry at them and said she was going to throw the brother, his girlfriend and their baby out because she felt it was disrespectful. She begged us to come back in the morning to say good-bye before we headed home. She didn’t want us to leave on a bad note.

I’m proud of Esperanza for making her way the best she knows how. I know things could have been easier for her if she had been willing to accept more help, but I also know she needs to go things her own way. I’m not sure how great the relationship is with her boyfriend, but I didn’t say anything. She is working an taking care of herself, which is good. She might come visit us for the holidays. I promised to pick her up in Philly, if she can get the bus or train there. I’m so glad we finally have a vehicle that can get us places when we want to go.

A few weeks after our visit to Buffalo we headed south to visit my sister. The trip wasn’t nearly as long, but more stressful because traffic anywhere near DC is a nightmare. We had a nice visit with my sister including a visit to the Air and Space museum near Dulles airport that has a full-size real (like it has been in space! More than once!) space shuttle. They were celebrating Halloween so it was much busier than usual but there was also more fun things for the kids, like candy and robots. My brother-in-law had gotten pumpkins for the kids to decorate and then we watched the Toy Story 4 movie. We left the next morning after breakfast and building Love Bug’s Lego space shuttle. It was a little stressful Sunday morning because the kids were too full of energy and not listening. It makes it hard for me to enjoy myself because I feel like I’m just running interference to make sure the kids don’t do something that sours our trip or worse, our relationship with our hosts. Hopefully, we will be able to visit my sister a little more often, now that we don’t have the added expense of a rental car.

No More Teenagers

Yesterday was Primero’s birthday. He is no longer a teenager. I definitely got teary-eyed thinking about how grown he is and how quickly it has happened. I miss the days when he used to snuggle on the couch and watch shows with me. I miss the times he spent with the family on our outings, no matter how grumpy he was about it. I don’t necessarily want to turn back the clock, because we are in a really good place right now, but I truly do miss those times with him. I feel like we have drifted apart slightly, but I think it’s the normal teen moving into adulthood drifting. I’m steeling myself for the day he decides he is ready to move out. I am one part super-excited because I feel like he’s on a good path and making good choices and I’m also terrified, worrying that his short time with me was enough to help him reach his potential. I’m sure all parents feel the same push-and-pull as their nearly-grown child spreads their wings and flies. It is especially poignant for me since I’ve only had a short six years to prepare emotionally for him to strike out on his own. I’m not saying he is totally ready, but I sense he is getting closer, so it is probably only a matter of time. I really want to throw him a big party next year for when he turns legal. A last hoorah, perhaps.