Back to Hard Times

We are back into hard times. Behaviors are through the roof and I mean all of us. I practically had a nervous breakdown last week. Things are not great. Is it because we are moving into the holiday season? Is it just the natural swing of things? I don’t know. I don’t really care, to be honest. I only care about coming back into balance. Right now, everything we do feels like an arduous chore. Simple things, like getting ready in the morning, are goliath tasks that zap my energy and make me miserable, quite frankly. But, it doesn’t stop there. Evenings are just as miserable with mega fights and tantrums. And, it is all my fault and I need to fix it all. Or at least that is how it feels. Last Monday the case worker from CHOR, who has been helping with the post-permanency advocacy services, was visiting and it was a solid two hours of Love Bug at his worse. He wanted snacks. Incessant snacks, keep them coming or else he kicks, hits, tries to bite, climbs on the counters or kitchen table, screams and pretty much does everything in his power to make all our lives miserable. And, because he was getting a lot all of the attention, Chica Marie decided to add to the frustration by starting her own anger campaign. She threatened to run away, packing random things in her backpack and putting on her coat. This eventually turned into a screaming diatribe on what an awful mom I am and how I only give the boys attention. She has also been acting up in school and daycare and things are just one big hot mess right now. And I want out. People always ask me what I do for myself and I try to do things. I’ve joined a Women’s Empowerment group, I take time to do things by myself, the kids even went into respite last weekend. But, I feel like no matter what I do it isn’t enough to shake off this eternal fatigue I feel with the kids. Because no matter how great it is to be away from them, I have to come back to it and the horrid mess and the tantrums and it just doesn’t even seem worth it. I need like a solid month away to really make any kind of difference. How is this our life? I can’t stand my kids most of the time. I don’t like being around them for large chunks of the day. This is not ok! This is not how I wanted things to go! I am not enjoying motherhood the way I thought I would. I would like to tell you that my difficult kids make me a better mom, but that is a lie. It makes me a worse mom. I am impatient and frustrated most of the time. I feel like I cannot go on. I expend most of my energy and time trying to make things easier and better for my kids and it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. I wish I could just go away. Wake up on a quite island by myself. No one screaming for breakfast. No one making any demands of me at all.