Parenting in 2020

I am still working from home this week because the Covid test results are still pending. I will be returning to work next week, since that will be beyond 2 weeks of quarantine. Love Bug has been sent back to daycare, so my fingers are crossed this week will goes well. Next week we will also know what our school district decides for the upcoming school year. They are presenting three options to the school board. Option one is all the students return to in-person classes. Option two is for only the academically vulnerable to attend in-person classes and the rest of the students attend virtually. The district decides who is academically vulnerable. The third option is for all students to attend virtual classes. 

As many parents are, I am vacillating on what my choice will be, depending on what the school decides. If the school chooses option one, like another local district, I need to decide if I am sending my children to school or homeschooling them or perhaps trying to find an alternative like a Montessori school. I have a friend with kids my kids ages and she has decided to homeschool her kids, regardless of the school districts decision. Of course, the in-person option would be easiest in terms of work, but most worrisome for the health of my children. On one hand, my kids are healthy, hardly ever sick despite their questionable personable hygiene. But, I don't really want to test their immune system by throwing them into a likely germ cesspool (let's be honest, schools are generally known as a good place to catch a cold). Yet, they are in daycare, which is also a good place to catch a case. There are a lot less kids at daycare than at school, so likely less of a chance. At this point, any decision feels like rolling the dice. 

Option two also presents it's share of problems. I don't know which students might be identified as "academically vulnerable" but I sense it might be kiddos like my Love Bug; the ones in special education, the ones who need more in-person attention or receive other assistive services. Under this option, I am guessing one of my children will be attending in-person classes and the other will be attending virtual schooling. Chica Marie did pretty good with the virtual schooling the end of this past school session, so that isn't the concern. My worry is how I will make it possible for her to be in class daily. After this week, I will return to working in the office twice a week. Will three days per week be enough for her to keep up with the work? Will I be able to work from home all week to accommodate her schooling? Would the daycare be willing to allow her to sign on and work two days per week? So many more questions than answers.

Option three is the most difficult for me to execute. If both kids need to be attending virtual classes, how will I be able to assist them working from home three days per week? What if I return to the office full-time with the kids still attending virtual classes? Trying to school the kids while working was so hard the last few months of school. Nearly impossible given their unique needs and my lack of teaching skills. Now, I am translating via Skype when I am working from home, which means I am even less able to be distracted but with even more of a need to be able to dedicate to working with my kids. The district wasn't grading the students the fourth quarter, but now they will be expecting the kids to perform. They handed out Chromebooks, so there is less of an issue of having available technology. So, while this is the safest option, physically, it is the most problematic for our little clan. 

No matter what the district decides, there will be something conceded. It will not be an easy decision by any means. This is parenting in 2020. 

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New Normal, Same Problems

I am working from home all week this week due to someone in our office needing to get tested for Covid-19. It is a precaution but they are also sanitizing our work space, so we cannot be there. Love Bug has been struggling at daycare, so his therapist and I decided to keep him home with me to cut down on his anxiety. I don't know if it is the best decision, but it does preserve his ability to attend daycare. I have such high anxiety about him being asked to leave, like he was last year this time. I feel the pressure of trying to find something else for him and it is frightening. Fortunately, I can keep him home with me right now. And, if need be, I can send him to daycare just a few days a week when I have to be in the office. But, for how long? I know there's a lot of talk about the "new normal" but not knowing how long this new reality might last also makes me anxious. I am trying to just be here, now, in the present and not borrowing worries from the future that might never come to pass. Quarantine has been a personal journey for me and I am coming to understand how my perfectionism has caused a great deal of personal anxiety and anguish. And this anxiety seeps into much of my life in ways I hadn't recognized before. Internally, I fight with myself about getting on the ball and starting a special needs daycare, as I have been talking about doing for nearly a year now. But, on the other hand, I don't have so many of the necessary things, like capital or specific education. So, I have to deal with what is, and that is our current daycare who cannot or will not handle my Love Bug. The next school year is still up in the air, so I don't know how heavily I will need to rely on them going forward. Maybe the new normal will stick around long enough for me to figure out a different option for my kiddo.



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Back to The Office

I have officially returned to work in the office. My first day back was last week. It was ok but rather lonely. To mitigate contact, staff is working in staggered shifts, which means something different for each team. The extended hours we were supposed to work has not be approved by the union (Yet. No idea if this is still being considered), so we are only working our normal hours. But, only one of us is in the office at a time. I work in the office on Monday’s and Thursday’s and from home the rest of the week. Getting back into the morning routine has been hard. I had tried to keep some semblance of a routine during quarantine and the last few weeks I have been getting up earlier. But, being the genius I am, I decided I needed to not only start a new cleaning schedule but I also want to spend some time working out or doing yoga in the morning, plus the meditating I have been doing. It was a breath-taking schedule this morning to be honest. I should probably get up earlier to get it all done but I sense that no matter how early I rise, I will still feel like I’m sprinting to get to work on time. Sigh. Mornings are just not my thing. Or maybe, working at someone else’s schedule is just not my thing. There are some nice things about being at work, like using a computer with a mouse (I’ve been using my laptop at home).Of course some things work better at home, like Skype (I was sent home today to use Skype on my laptop after spending two hours trying to get it to work on the laptop in the office). But, mostly it’s annoying having the mask on and trying to not breathe into my eyes (honestly, my eyes get sore, it’s weird – I don’t wear glasses but I can understand this is also highly annoying with the glasses fogging up constantly). The work is mostly the same although I am doing more translation for customers collecting unemployment. I feel like each day brings new questions about how something might function differently while following social distancing.

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Still Not Getting Over It

Yesterday I wrote about our Fourth of July because I was trying to let go of some of the things said. But, I just can't seem to get it out of my head. Like millions of tiny little cuts, the things said still sting. My aunt bragging about taking her granddaughter to swimming lessons not long after my mom declared my kids aren't even welcome at her house. My cousin insisting she will raise her kids to be uber polite, sir and m'am the whole nine yards. I guess because my kids weren't polite enough? My mom's comment, the one she didn't think I overheard, about how wild my kids were compared to the quiet boy. And her clear desire for children to be more seen and less heard. I don't think the kids know or understand much of this, at least I hope they don't, but I won't be able to keep them sheltered from it forever. The reality is, I shouldn't have to. I'm not talking about John Q. Public at large, I am talking about my family; the people who are supposed to be my rock, my sanctuary. And instead, they are the source of some of my greatest pain. My children deserve unconditional love. Unconditional, meaning it doesn't matter how they act or what their background is, they are still loved and they know they are loved. Evidently, my children can only be loved if they are obedient. My mom shared the car story with probably the only person who didn't know about it. I am not saying my children are perfect or don't need discipline, but, contrary to popular belief, I don't allow them to act out without retribution. But, I can't punish the ADHD out of my kids. I can't correct away the autism diagnosis from Love Bug. And, in fact, often times hard-nose disciplining can have the opposite effect for children with ODD. I am not claiming to be a parenting expert but I have read enough books and taken enough training to give me a lot of ideas on how to parent my children and their unique needs. It would be super great if people, rather than offering judgment or criticizing, would try stretching their compassion to see we are all really just trying our best. Honestly, I am considering just not coming around because my kids deserve better.   

Unconditional

The one thing quarantine has given me is the space and time to work on myself. I've been reading some books and working with my therapist and it is hard to express it all succinctly, but one recurring theme is how much I need to let go. Four pages of things, to be exact. So, I have been trying to consciously not let things bother me like they used to, to just let it go. This past weekend we went to the farm for the Fourth of July picnic. Usually, my kids are the only kids in attendance. Sometimes my cousin brings his daughter but she is only a toddler. This past weekend an old friend of mine was there with her son, who just turned 10. I have known this friend of mine all my life. Her parents (also at the picnic) are friends with my parents; our mom's have been friends since they were in the seventh grade. As a child she was much like me - quiet, respectful, not one to cause a ruckus. It seems her son is cut from the same cloth. If the adults hadn't spoken to him, you would have hardly known he was there. My kids, not so much. The difference was so stark it bordered on comical. My kids did not sit down, did not stop moving, and got into trouble more than once. At one point, after admonishing Love Bug to not rock the porch swing too hard for the eleventy-seventh time, my mom yelled at me to make him stop. "Did you not hear me tell him multiple times?" I retorted. My cousin (not the mother of the toddler) mumbled, "Time out?" Listen, if you want to parent my kids by all means. I guarantee you will not have them towing the line anymore than I have. But, please tell me again how I'm not doing good enough because my children are clearly hellions. At another point my uncle was trying to convince my mom and dad to vacation with them in Myrtle Beach next year. When my mom said they couldn't leave the farm my uncle offered me to take care of things. I good-naturedly agreed with the stipulation we stay at their house. "Oh my God no! Not with those kids. There wouldn't be a house left until we got home." So, there is my village folks. I am trying to let it go, I am trying to not dwell on it, to not let it hurt. But, it does hurt. My children are not the demure little boy like my son's child because they have not lived the same sheltered life he has lived. And, to be honest, I'd rather have my wild fierce little hellions than a quiet, boring child who never makes life interesting. Would it be nice if my kids would sit quietly while I talk to grown-ups? Sure. But, that is just not our reality. My kids are energetic, full of life, and they don't always follow directions but they are not bad kids. And I am tired of always feeling like I have to explain them to people or defend them to people who should just love them, crazy antics and all.  

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