Respite

So, the little boy I wrote about last week will be staying with us after all. Chantel from CHOR called this morning, asking if we would take him in, as respite (which is kind of like foster baby-sitting) since the county decided they want this boy removed from the foster home. Heather (the social worker who I initially spoke to regarding the two little girls a few weeks ago) called to say that Consuelo recommended our family because we have a lot of structure in our family (whatever that means, it's just me and Flaco). We are meeting with the county tomorrow because they want to interview us before placing the baby in our home. The meeting is at the court house at 1 pm. After that we will plan on when he will come to us, but the county is hoping to have him placed (re-placed?) by tomorrow. Flaco is not gung-ho about this placement for two main reasons. 1) He is worried about the baby only being for us a short time and this making me feel worse when he is gone. 2) He is not sure because of the color of this baby - which makes me mad and crazy, but it is what it is. Flaco wants a child that will look like us, no matter how ludicrous this is considering we are adopting! So, we are going to give it a try and I did tell both Chantel and Heather that we are not agreeing to adoption right now, but we will give it a try. I am hoping that this sweet little boy will melt Flaco's heart and that with our love and structure, he will be able to overcome some of the behavioral issues he has. We are diving in head first here and taking a risk on accepting, mostly because we have reservations. I guess I just feel the need to have a baby in our home right now, even if it is temporary and I will suffer afterwards. Perhaps this is stupid. I want what is best for this precious boy, but right now I am not even sure what that is. I know we will take good care of him and love him while he is here - even given Flaco's misgivings, I know he will care for the baby. And maybe that is all we are supposed to do right now. As always, I will up-date on this situation tomorrow, after more information is available. And, I am grateful for all the support from my friends in this endeavor!

5th Time is the Charm?

Once again, we seem to be a day late and a dollar short. At least in terms of actually getting the placement we are called to take. The two year old little boy CHOR called about yesterday will stay with his foster family. They want to keep us in mind if things turn sour again (they are having an emergency meeting with the county the middle of next week to determine what should be done, since the county doesn't feel comfortable with this placement now) – but I’m not really sure we want to be the back-up plan, like we’re second best. The social worker sent this information to me in an email, along with about 6 pictures of him. Seeing him makes it sting a little more, but I think it is best for him to stay with his foster family – that is the feeling I have deep in my heart. I think I knew right away yesterday that this was not going to work out – for some reason it just didn’t feel right. Not like the two little girls last week. . . .  I really bawled my eyes out over them! But, I don’t doubt that my phone will ring again soon. And as so many people have been telling me, when it is meant to be, it will happen. But, I am already getting weary. We have been on this roller coaster for over three years now and I’m tired – so emotionally tired and worn down. I feel like we get knocked down and we get back up, but each time we get up slower and slower and contemplate just staying down and giving up. Sometimes I worry that I won’t have anything to give when we finally do get a placement because I will have given it all out to all the “almost” babies. But, today is a new day, I have a fun evening planned (so long as it doesn’t snow) and a busy Saturday. Maybe the fifth time is the charm? 

As a side note, Flaco has been opening up a little bit more about how he has been feeling during this agonizing journey. He told me the other night how he feels like he has been watching the joy and spark in my life slowly ebb away, as infertility ate at my very being (ok, so he didn’t say it quite like that, but that was the gist!). He said it has been hard for him to hold onto the hope of ever becoming a father. Last night when we were talking about the little boy, I mentioned how much I wanted the two little girls to be placed with us and he said, “me too.” I was sure that he was relieved we were not getting them, but that is not true. Flaco just internalizes these things more than I do. I want to talk about the feelings of loss and sadness and he wants to stuff these feelings deep within himself. I mean, it’s took him three years to admit how much he has suffered during this infertility mayhem – even though I knew he was hurting. So, onward infertility soldiers.

Here We Go Again!

We got another call today for a placement. He is a 2 year old little boy. His parent’s parental rights have been terminated and he has been in foster care since he was 6 months old. His current foster parents were supposed to have a court hearing in March to begin finalization. But, they were not doing all they were instructed to do for this little boy. So, technically they are only using us for respite to see if the foster family can rectify the issues. But, they want the baby to be in a home that is looking to adopt. I will say that Flaco and I have some reservations about this placement, but for different reasons. Flaco is concerned because the baby might be moreno and that this is potentially only a temporary placement. I am worried because he has some behavioral issues and is getting special in-home instruction to speak and learn to control his temper (he apparently bangs his head into the wall when he gets very upset). But, he is making good progress. He was initially put in foster care because his parents were very young and both using drugs and alcohol. So, I worry about the ramifications if drugs or alcohol were used while he was in the womb. Regardless of our reservations, we said yes, we will take him in. And we are waiting again for a confirmation call letting us know what our next move is. I am not all a-fluster like I was last week with the two little girls. My mind is not racing, my imagination is not running wild, I am calm and collected. I think because I don’t believe we will get this placement – the old feelings of thinking it won’t happen to spare myself the pain when it doesn’t are creeping in. I just keep telling myself that God has a plan for us, even if I have no idea what that might be. God’s plan is perfect! If anything happens later on tonight, I will certainly up-date!

***** The only up-date is that the social worker never called back. She is a distant relative to my  friend Sara, who texted her and then told me she was with clients tonight, so most likely she will call me back tomorrow. I am frustrated because I have things planned and I am not cancelling them for a possiblity. So, we shall see what happens tomorrow!

Reflections

    I am doing surprisingly well right now. I was very sad on Friday from the emotional roller coaster and the deflating let-down, but I think I've recuperated better than the months before when Aunt Flo would arrive. I still think of the girls and pray they are settling in wherever they are, but I have made my peace that that placement wasn't for us. And I am glad for the things we learned during that crazy night. One, me and Flaco live on different planets. When we thought we were going to be getting two daughters I worried about what we would feed them, how much clothing they would have, where they would sleep and when we would be able to buy car seats. Flaco's first question was, "Are they baptized or do we have to do that?" (To which I answered, "I don't know but we can't do that until they are officially ours.") His next question was, "What will they call me?" (I said, I don't care just so long as we can call them "ours"). Me - practical, important things. Flaco - random, less-important things. But, I guess between the two of us, we would make it work! I also learned that my mom is still rather lukewarm to the whole foster-to-adopt thing. She was nervous about how the girls would be (I think she still holds the belief that foster care must mean there is something "wrong" with the child) and leary about the process. And she reiterated her belief that I would "get pregnant for sure" once these girls were in our home. (Random side note, my pastor's wife is all one person in the world still holding onto the belief that we will miraculously conceive - just today she prayed for our fertility, right after I told her the story of our failed placement - I know she means well, but still!) Sigh. But, she did go out and buy bibs and crib sheets and was thinking of other things we will need. I'm sure all my mother's doubts will be erased the second she meets our special little one, but sometimes it's hard to handle her disappointment and my own when it comes to us getting the short end of the stick in the reproductive category. I also learned how important this blog is to me, because "writing" all about this experience really helped me to be (a little) more rational and to get "it" out in a more healthy way. We are certainly more prepared for our next call - the crib is all set up (someday I will try to post pictures) at least. And I was reminded about how many wonderful people there are in my life who are rooting for us and praying for us and in a small way, traveling down this road with us. The support of friends like Amy and Sara mean so much to me, I cannot say in words how much. I don't know where I would be, if I didn't have them in my life. As well as my friend Cammee, who feeds me delicious food and even better wine and other homemade cocktails to help me unwind. I am eternally grateful to them all and for taking this rocky road with us! I don't know, I just have this feeling that our next call will be pretty soon - maybe I am just that anxious for it, but I truly think we will be getting a placement sooner rather than later, which is a-ok with me!

Live and Learn

I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and finally woke up 30 minutes before my 6:15 alarm was set to go off. I got up early and trudged through my morning routine. Or is it mourning routine? I am sluggish and disheartened. We have not heard one peep from CHOR. I called and left a message for Heather this morning. Then around 11, I called Consuelo and left a message. At lunch I checked my cell phone and found a message from Heather. She assumes the county decided not to place the girls with CHOR. She sounded annoyed and reiterated at least three times that she was not in the office today.  I don’t like this process. It feels like some kind of competition for a baby. And it is mad confusing! According to my friend Sara, the county sends out emails to various agencies looking to place a child or sibling group and whoever gets back to them first gets the placement. Maybe we’ll win the next go-round. My mom called this morning. She wanted to know what was going on, since I never called her last night to let her know what went down. I told her we never heard back. She said (and this is a direct quote), “They’re stupid.” I’m not sure if the “they” are the county or CHOR. I told her this is the process, how it works sometimes. I feel like this weekend lost all it’s color. What was going to be a fun time of exploring and settling in and getting to know one another is now just another weekend. I feel like Dorothy, only rather than stepping out of the fallen house into a land of color, I have landed in a drab Oz of varying shades of gray. And my impending period feels like an added loss somehow; even though I have learned the hard way to not trust my reproductive system, it only lets me down time after time. But, still it feels like a double whammy right now . . . . . After my mom's call, my friend’s husband called to say he was pulling up in front of our house to drop off the crib. Flaco decided to put the crib together, since he was up anyway. My heart aches because for a brief moment, these precious little girls were mine. I could feel them in my arms. I could see them in my house. I could hear them playing and laughing and bringing us such joy. I loved them without meeting them, just like a pregnant woman loves her unborn child before “meeting” her. I keep telling myself this must mean that God has an even better match for us and an even bigger blessing coming our way. But, the words echo hollowly in my confounded mind. I am grateful for my friend Sara. Not only has she given us a crib, but she is an excellent calming source since she has “been there, done that” with foster-to-adopt. Plus, she endured the endless frantic texting last night, assuring me and nudging me to be patient. And for my dear friend Amy because she was hanging on the edge there with us, desperately waiting for good news. I was thinking last night on my drive home from Sara’s place, that it is good to have so many people in our corner. I know there were at least three other couples (Sara, Amy, and my parents) praying for us last night and we appreciated it. Today, I think I am over-emotional because my period is due to start any second and nasty little hormones are rearing their ugly heads – that and the lack of sleep. I felt like this was such great timing for us, because I have off from work on Monday and my sister and her boyfriend are coming up to visit from D.C. so they could have met the girls right away. . . . .  It just would have been really nice. I guess it was not meant to be. But, as my mother said this morning – at least each time we get a call we seem to get more things that we need and we are more prepared. This is true. We have a crib now, in our home getting set up. We borrowed a mattress from my friend, but will need to purchase our own soon. I’m not sure how I feel about having an empty crib in our house. On one hand, it reminds me of what we don’t have and that we are still waiting and all the heartache and pain this journey has caused. On the other hand, it might act like a magnet – one thing The Secret teaches is that “nature” hates a vacuum, so it will work to fill it in – in our situation this might mean the crib will attract and be “filled” with a baby very soon. Perhaps, it is time I do some adoptive nesting? Get ready for a baby of some kind (even though we don’t know how old her or she might be). It might be cathartic. Maybe, when I am feeling a little stronger (I need to be strong to endure entering the world of “baby” – most times I feel like an interloping imposter and have hated the experience both times I found myself at Baby’s R Us – maybe I will just stick to Target where I can make a hasty retreat to the safety of the shoe department when baby things overwhelm me), I will go buy crib sheets and a few toys (we have nothing in the house). My mom told me this morning, she was prepared to go into her attic and get the baby things she saved from the three of us, including some Dumbo light I apparently loved as a baby – this is so sweet. So, the baby’s room is coming together bit-by-bit. And this is a good thing. As I have so many times in the past, I am picking up the pieces of my heart again. It was my fault for letting it get broken; I should not have fallen in love so quickly with little girls that I might never meet. More than any of the other two placement calls, this one felt so real and so right. The little boy in November – we were not ready, our paperwork was not completed and that kind of made me feel uneasy. The two little foster-care girls from last month – we are just not able to open ourselves up to foster-care right now (as last night proves), plus we would have needed bunk beds and it just would not have worked out logistically. But, this time we were ready (at least mentally, emotionally, and on paper – if not ready with other “things”) and willing. So, maybe the next call will be the ONE. I hope that is soon.   

Unanswered Prayers

     To pick up the story from the previous post (We said YES). I drove an hour (half an hour there, half an hour back) to pick up a crib that did not fit in my car (there is a whole crib saga about how my dad was supposed to pick it up sooo many times and tonight he brought a car smaller than mine, rather than his truck). I have a mattress. In case they call. And my friend gave me some diapers - to tied us over the night. But right now it is after 10 at night. I'm thinking they (whoever they are) are not going to call and they are not going to be dropping the girls off at our house. Hopefully, we will find out tomorrow what has happened or what will happen. I am exhausted; emotionally and physically. Flaco is sure they will call us tomorrow for the girls to come to our place. I guess we will see. For now, I am going to take a much needed shower and try to sleep. I pray that these sweet girls are being cherished and treasured, wherever they are. . . . . .

We said YES

     Life is so funny and God must have a sense of humor. So, I wrote earlier how I feel like each phone call could be THE call in which our child will be placed with us. Well, today my phone was ringing an awful lot (which, where I work, we don't get a lot of calls so 5 in one day is a LOT). The final call of the day came around 3:45. It was Consuelo. She was calling with a placement, but I needed to speak with another social worker named Heather.

     Heather came on the phone and said they had a placement for two little girls ages 1 and 3 and that she had spoken to Flaco, but he said to talk to me (btw, Heather does not speak Spanish, so I'm sure that must have been an awkward call for Flaco and Heather!). She explained that the girls "supposedly" have the same father, but he is MIA in Puerto Rico. Their mother was put in jail today for making terroristic threats and it sounds like this was mom's last chance to get her act together. The girls are Hispanic with no developmental, emotional, or medical problems. The mom thought the younger girl might be developmentally slow, but none of the caseworkers noticed. She would need to be tested. The mom also said the older girl was aggressive with the younger girl, but they were not sure to what extent (maybe just sibling rivilry). They need to place the children TONIGHT. I said yes. I guess I was working on the assumption that Flaco had already said yes . . . . Regardless, I went into panic omg-omg-omg-omg-omg mode. I let Heather know that we did not have car seats. She said they might have one at CHOR we could borrow and perhaps a friend had another one we could borrow. She said she would call me back to let me know when and where we would be picking up the girls. I said I would be at work until 4:30 and gave her my work number. And PANIC!!

     The first thing I did was went and talked to my friend Sara (she works in my office for another agency), who has been a foster parent and recent adoptive parent with CHOR. She has a crib for us that we have been trying to coordinate for my father to pick up for about 2 months now. I let her know we would need it tonight. And of course, I told her what was happening and asked if she had a carseat we could borrow. Then I told my boss that I might not be at work tomorrow. I just kind of blurted out that we are adopting through the foster care system and I might need to stay home and watch two precious little girls tomorrow but I also might not know this until tomorrow. He was ok with it but joked that I test his patience. Eh, whatever. I then eagerly waited by my phone for Heather to call back. 4:30 rolled around and no call.  Now, originally I had a hair cut appointment and had planned to grab a gyro at the only place in the county where they make a decent gyro (it's not terribly close to me or any of my normal haunts, so I don't go there a lot - but it IS close to my hairdresser, so I treat myself after getting all beautiful). I had some other little errands I was going to do as well. But, the second the call came, like any parent, I dropped everything for "our" girls. The second I got in my car after work, I called my hairdresser and rescheduled for next week. Then I called my dad to see if he could go get the crib and bring it to our place. I called and left a message for Heather to let her know I was no longer at work and she should contact me on my cell. I drove home, hardly paying attention to the traffic build-up due to an accident on the other side of the road.

    When I got home, Flaco was in PANIC mode. He was just plain freaking out. Men were not built for this kind of stuff, I swear! He was nervous and having doubts - I had to talk him off the ledge. Flaco does better when he is busy, so we went to a car wash place to vaccuum out the car. Of course, while we were there my phone rang. Now, I had it in my pocket and it vibrates so I could feel it since hearing anything over the vaccuums is impossible. Of course, I missed the call and it was a blocked number. When the voicemail came through it was Heather. Of course. She said she had been trying to get ahold of the county, but had not heard anything. She said they might just bring the girls to our house. I called back, desperate to reach Heather and ask her what the hell that meant, but ended up leaving her a weird semi-frantic message. I said we were newbies. [Rolling eyes at self] Then I began frantically texting Sara while Flaco drove home. Like Speedy Gonzalez and the Tasmanian Devil, we began to wildly clean the house (it wasn't a total disaster, but not as clean as we would have liked) and try to get the room a little more prepared (it's just a hodge-podge of furniture and shoes I didn't put away). And now we wait.

     Usually, I write these posts when I am bored at work. This one is actually LIVE! So, we are waiting to see if the county will just show up like a derranged stork, dropping off these girls I have already gotten used to calling ours. I desperately want them to be with us. As with the other two (failed) placements, I love them already. I am already looking forward to making them pancakes for breakfast (is that too inappropriate?) and spending the day getting to know them. And my sister and her boyfriend are coming up this weekend, so I am excited for them to meet the girls. I have Monday off thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. so I have time to find daycare and get the girls settled. I dont' care if it is two in the morning, I will welcome them with wide open arms. If I am able, I will post later to let my dear readers know what is happening. For now, I need to find something for dinner - I think it might be cereal!