Live and Learn

I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and finally woke up 30 minutes before my 6:15 alarm was set to go off. I got up early and trudged through my morning routine. Or is it mourning routine? I am sluggish and disheartened. We have not heard one peep from CHOR. I called and left a message for Heather this morning. Then around 11, I called Consuelo and left a message. At lunch I checked my cell phone and found a message from Heather. She assumes the county decided not to place the girls with CHOR. She sounded annoyed and reiterated at least three times that she was not in the office today.  I don’t like this process. It feels like some kind of competition for a baby. And it is mad confusing! According to my friend Sara, the county sends out emails to various agencies looking to place a child or sibling group and whoever gets back to them first gets the placement. Maybe we’ll win the next go-round. My mom called this morning. She wanted to know what was going on, since I never called her last night to let her know what went down. I told her we never heard back. She said (and this is a direct quote), “They’re stupid.” I’m not sure if the “they” are the county or CHOR. I told her this is the process, how it works sometimes. I feel like this weekend lost all it’s color. What was going to be a fun time of exploring and settling in and getting to know one another is now just another weekend. I feel like Dorothy, only rather than stepping out of the fallen house into a land of color, I have landed in a drab Oz of varying shades of gray. And my impending period feels like an added loss somehow; even though I have learned the hard way to not trust my reproductive system, it only lets me down time after time. But, still it feels like a double whammy right now . . . . . After my mom's call, my friend’s husband called to say he was pulling up in front of our house to drop off the crib. Flaco decided to put the crib together, since he was up anyway. My heart aches because for a brief moment, these precious little girls were mine. I could feel them in my arms. I could see them in my house. I could hear them playing and laughing and bringing us such joy. I loved them without meeting them, just like a pregnant woman loves her unborn child before “meeting” her. I keep telling myself this must mean that God has an even better match for us and an even bigger blessing coming our way. But, the words echo hollowly in my confounded mind. I am grateful for my friend Sara. Not only has she given us a crib, but she is an excellent calming source since she has “been there, done that” with foster-to-adopt. Plus, she endured the endless frantic texting last night, assuring me and nudging me to be patient. And for my dear friend Amy because she was hanging on the edge there with us, desperately waiting for good news. I was thinking last night on my drive home from Sara’s place, that it is good to have so many people in our corner. I know there were at least three other couples (Sara, Amy, and my parents) praying for us last night and we appreciated it. Today, I think I am over-emotional because my period is due to start any second and nasty little hormones are rearing their ugly heads – that and the lack of sleep. I felt like this was such great timing for us, because I have off from work on Monday and my sister and her boyfriend are coming up to visit from D.C. so they could have met the girls right away. . . . .  It just would have been really nice. I guess it was not meant to be. But, as my mother said this morning – at least each time we get a call we seem to get more things that we need and we are more prepared. This is true. We have a crib now, in our home getting set up. We borrowed a mattress from my friend, but will need to purchase our own soon. I’m not sure how I feel about having an empty crib in our house. On one hand, it reminds me of what we don’t have and that we are still waiting and all the heartache and pain this journey has caused. On the other hand, it might act like a magnet – one thing The Secret teaches is that “nature” hates a vacuum, so it will work to fill it in – in our situation this might mean the crib will attract and be “filled” with a baby very soon. Perhaps, it is time I do some adoptive nesting? Get ready for a baby of some kind (even though we don’t know how old her or she might be). It might be cathartic. Maybe, when I am feeling a little stronger (I need to be strong to endure entering the world of “baby” – most times I feel like an interloping imposter and have hated the experience both times I found myself at Baby’s R Us – maybe I will just stick to Target where I can make a hasty retreat to the safety of the shoe department when baby things overwhelm me), I will go buy crib sheets and a few toys (we have nothing in the house). My mom told me this morning, she was prepared to go into her attic and get the baby things she saved from the three of us, including some Dumbo light I apparently loved as a baby – this is so sweet. So, the baby’s room is coming together bit-by-bit. And this is a good thing. As I have so many times in the past, I am picking up the pieces of my heart again. It was my fault for letting it get broken; I should not have fallen in love so quickly with little girls that I might never meet. More than any of the other two placement calls, this one felt so real and so right. The little boy in November – we were not ready, our paperwork was not completed and that kind of made me feel uneasy. The two little foster-care girls from last month – we are just not able to open ourselves up to foster-care right now (as last night proves), plus we would have needed bunk beds and it just would not have worked out logistically. But, this time we were ready (at least mentally, emotionally, and on paper – if not ready with other “things”) and willing. So, maybe the next call will be the ONE. I hope that is soon.