Positive Expectations

I feel great! Nothing is happening. Nothing has changed in a visible way. The outside things are very much the same as they were before, but I am feeling better than ever. So what has made the difference? Well, as much as I would like to believe that I woke up on 1/1/12 with this new amazing outlook and positive mindset, in reality it is something I have been working towards and striving to achieve. More importantly, it is something that I have been praying for and God has helped me to get to this point. I have mentioned many times that I listen to Joyce Myer’s preaching every workday morning. I have been doing this for quite some time now. Around August I began taking 15-20 minutes each morning for a brief Bible study and to spend some time deepening my relationship with God. Many times Joyce would talk about having positive expectations and a positive mindset and I would follow up her teaching with reading the same message in the Word. Although I wanted to wake up the next morning with a sunny outlook and infallible positive disposition, it took time for this to seep into my stubborn mind and heart. For about a solid year during our infertility ordeal I spent a lot of energy being very, very angry with God. I mean, I was just down right furious – How could He let this happen to us? Why didn’t He think we deserved to be parents? Why us? Like a petulant child, I cursed and cried, cajoled and pleaded with God to give us a baby. I would not hear that perhaps we had to go through this for a greater reason. That did not make sense to me; I didn’t want it to make sense. And, honestly, it still doesn’t make sense to my mind. But, slowly as I would try (and fail) and try (and fail) and try (and fail) to adapt what I was hearing and reading to my life, I would get a little better each time. My resistance to negativity gets stronger each day. And, hearing Joyce say again and again and again that we are not beholden to our feelings, we can CHOOSE to think and act in a manner completely opposite of how we are feeling, ever so slowly this began to sink in (which just goes to show that what we listen to and read, really does make a difference on how we act and behave). Now, I don’t want to get on a high horse and break my arm patting myself on the back. But, I have attainted a small victory. I have gotten to the point where I am expecting GREAT things. I have a positive expectation that whatever happens, no matter how much I don’t like it and how bad it may make me feel – God has only the very best planned for me. 

So, what does all this ooey-gooey mushy “feeling” and positivity have to do with the price of beans in Bolivia? Or rather, our current state of suspended animation – waiting for the phone to ring and for a baby to plop in our laps? Each and every day could be THE day. Right now, my phone could ring and it could be Consuelo calling with a placement – our baby! I had shut-off this feeling of anticipation, the feeling of eagerly, earnestly waiting for THE day to arrive. Positive expectations – I wake up each morning and I think to myself, “Wow! Today could be the day! Today I could receive a phone call that will change my life! This IS it!” Doesn’t that make you all tingly and excited?! And if today isn’t the day, guess what? TOMORROW could be the day! And if tomorrow isn’t the day, then the day after that or the day after that. . . . . But, today the past and the future do not matter (well, in relation to waiting and in relation to getting a baby). The past pain is the past and not relevant to today’s potential for JOY. Is that hard to swallow some days? You bettcha. But, the other option is for depression and misery. So, the future is not something I can control, so why worry about it today? I can’t anticipate and fix tomorrow’s problems today (no matter how much I would like to try), so just deal with today. The Lord has given me a great peace to approach each day with joy and gladness. And when I think of waiting and waiting and waiting and how we’ve already waited for over 3 years now and how many other couples have had babies in these past three years– I start to freak out. The old feelings start ebbing back in – so I don’t think of it in those terms. And this is really making a difference for me. Truly. I still don’t know why we’ve had to go through all of this *shit*. It still isn’t fair, it still doesn’t make sense, I still don’t see a really good reason for it. But, rather than pick at old scabs and wounds, I let it be. It is what it is. I do what I can to change what I need to change (in me) and the rest is up to God. It has taken me more than three years to get to this point. One might argue, that it has taken me my entire lifetime to reach this point – not just in infertility and adoption, but in my life in general. All I know is that the only place for me to go now is UP! And I expecting something GOOD to happen to me – today, tomorrow, and every day of this year and all the following years I have on this earth. Amen and Amen!!!