5th Time is the Charm?

Once again, we seem to be a day late and a dollar short. At least in terms of actually getting the placement we are called to take. The two year old little boy CHOR called about yesterday will stay with his foster family. They want to keep us in mind if things turn sour again (they are having an emergency meeting with the county the middle of next week to determine what should be done, since the county doesn't feel comfortable with this placement now) – but I’m not really sure we want to be the back-up plan, like we’re second best. The social worker sent this information to me in an email, along with about 6 pictures of him. Seeing him makes it sting a little more, but I think it is best for him to stay with his foster family – that is the feeling I have deep in my heart. I think I knew right away yesterday that this was not going to work out – for some reason it just didn’t feel right. Not like the two little girls last week. . . .  I really bawled my eyes out over them! But, I don’t doubt that my phone will ring again soon. And as so many people have been telling me, when it is meant to be, it will happen. But, I am already getting weary. We have been on this roller coaster for over three years now and I’m tired – so emotionally tired and worn down. I feel like we get knocked down and we get back up, but each time we get up slower and slower and contemplate just staying down and giving up. Sometimes I worry that I won’t have anything to give when we finally do get a placement because I will have given it all out to all the “almost” babies. But, today is a new day, I have a fun evening planned (so long as it doesn’t snow) and a busy Saturday. Maybe the fifth time is the charm? 

As a side note, Flaco has been opening up a little bit more about how he has been feeling during this agonizing journey. He told me the other night how he feels like he has been watching the joy and spark in my life slowly ebb away, as infertility ate at my very being (ok, so he didn’t say it quite like that, but that was the gist!). He said it has been hard for him to hold onto the hope of ever becoming a father. Last night when we were talking about the little boy, I mentioned how much I wanted the two little girls to be placed with us and he said, “me too.” I was sure that he was relieved we were not getting them, but that is not true. Flaco just internalizes these things more than I do. I want to talk about the feelings of loss and sadness and he wants to stuff these feelings deep within himself. I mean, it’s took him three years to admit how much he has suffered during this infertility mayhem – even though I knew he was hurting. So, onward infertility soldiers.