Yesterday I was reading about FMLA and how it works, when my employer would need to know I would be using it and confirming that I was eligible. I wasn’t sure this was something we would do for two reasons. One, I doubt we could afford me not working and not getting a paycheck for any period of time and two, unless we got a newborn, we would most likely be fine in continuing our daily lives – altered of course. I figured I would save some vacation days and use them for when the “baby” arrives. The information I was reading stated that, other than for extenuating circumstances, I would need to let my employer know I would be taking the FMLA leave at least 30 days prior to when I would start taking it. It was not clear if adoption constituted “extenuating” but I know that I will not be getting a 30 day notice before a child is placed with us. I was thinking about when and how I would let my employer know we were adopting but had not made any kind of decision.
Well, this morning the Office Administrator cornered me in the bathroom. My friend (I have may have written about her before – her great-granddaughter is in foster care and we talk about our experiences) told the office administrator that me and my husband are waiting for a child. My initial reaction was one of frustration. Not that it’s a big secret, but we are also not shouting from the roof-tops about it either. But, I think this information would have been better coming directly from me rather than my friend who has lunch nearly every day with the administrator. But, since the cat was out of the bag at that point, I confessed that yes we were waiting, that we had been approved last month. We chatted a few more moments about it, but I felt like there was a large white elephant sneaking into the room – the unasked, unanswered question as to why we were adopting but had no other children. Maybe I was just imaging it. I mean, does everyone assume that because a married, childless couple is adopting it is because they cannot have children of their own? I think my view on this is skewed by my own experience. But, the office administrator kept saying how “great” and “exciting” it was and thanked me for divulging the information that, she admitted, wasn’t any of her business to be asking. She then told me a story of someone she knew who adopted a baby “in utero” and how exciting it was for them to be waiting and how they found out the biological mother went into labor when they were all at a picnic together (I’m not sure, but I think she meant a work picnic). Apparently, everyone knows someone who has adopted. Just like everyone knows someone who adopted and then got pregnant.
If I had a nickel for every person who has told me that once we adopt we will miraculously get pregnant I would start a healthy college fund for our baby. My mother, friends at work, other friends, even our social worker have said that they know of someone who adopted a baby only to get pregnant soon after. Every time it happens I grit my teeth and say, “Well, what’s wrong with that? It sounds like a double blessing to me!” When I told my parents we were adopting my own mother said, “Well, you better buy bunk beds.” Because she assumed we would get pregnant once there was a child living under our roof. Getting pregnant must be like getting a cold – don’t get around a baby or you might catch one! If only it were that simple! Ideally, I would like to have a two year gap between children, but I would NOT be upset to get pregnant after we adopt a baby. However, hearing this over and over again is so incredibly painful. There are many couples who do not get pregnant after adopting. It is giving false hope to a couple who have been let down time and time again by biology. Even worse than that, it makes the adoption seem less-important. Like it is a necessary step to reach the ultimate goal of a biological child. I feel like everyone will be holding their collective breaths waiting for the pregnancy announcement once a child is placed with us. I want our child to know he or she is loved no matter how she came into our lives. I don’t want them to think we adopted them so we could produce a biological child! I want our child to know that adoption means a loving family, not a second-rate family forced together by the cruelty of nature. I want him/her to know, unequivocally that he/she is OUR baby, he/she belongs in our family and was always meant to be here with us. I don’t want him to feel like he was ever unwanted or unloved – because his family was just waiting to find him and bring him home. Only God knows what is in store for us. He is working out wonderful things in our lives and will bless us when the time comes. And He might just choose to use adoption to do that!
YES. Well said!
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