Can I Handle This? (July 29, 2014)

Can I handle it? This is the question I get asked regarding having three children living in my home. Can I handle it? If I didn’t think I could handle it, would I have agreed to do it? No, I would not. First of all, one of these kids is old enough to bathe and feed himself and requires minimal supervision. The baby is the real attention hog because all of his needs have to be met by me. But, he is sleeping a little better at night and so I am not feeling so frazzled. The little girl is a handful, most toddlers are, but she proved to me that she can be a very good girl when we went to the beach on Saturday. She was exceptionally well-behaved, not just for her temperament, but for any child her age. She stayed with us on the boardwalk and when she got bored in the stores she sat on the bucket I bought her to play in the sand (which, alas, she did not get to use for that purpose due to foul weather and even worse traffic). There are things that she does that bugs me, like having sticky little fingers when we are out shopping (she once stole a pack of gum when we were grocery shopping and she tried to steal a toe ring at the shore) and insisting on using a pull-up rather than using the toilet, but these are things to work on. She was recently evaluated for therapy and I’m going to push for her to get that because I think it will help.

 

A friend of mine, who had been a foster parent for many years, was on a trip in Puerto Rico and just came back. While there she visited friends who adopted twins while living in our area and they are now foster parents in Puerto Rico. My friend was telling me they had a little boy who is a handful and explained that the foster mom couldn’t get anything done with him around. My friend encouraged her friend to put in a 30 days’ notice because, “it’s not worth it.” I cringed. How can a three year old little boy not be worth it? My friend admitted this little boy had already been in numerous other foster homes and my heart breaks for him. I try not to judge other foster families for the decisions they make regarding the children in their care because I am not in their homes to see these things first hand, nor would I like to be judged for the decisions I make. But, to say “it’s not worth it” like the child is a complicated crossword puzzle or some other inconsequential thing, well it’s quite heartless, I think. Is my life going to be crazy from here on out with three kids living under my roof? It sure is. Every waking hour I have that is not spent at my job will be dedicated to these kids (with the exception of when I take some me time) because I think showing little children they are loved and teaching them how to be responsible, contributing members of society is very important. And, if I don’t do it, who will? So, yes, I can handle having a teenager, a toddler and an infant in my home and our little rag-tag family will make the most of our time together and we will grow and be the best human beings we can be, because it’s worth it.  

Out of My Gourd (From July 28, 2014)

I am most assuredly out of my gourd. I had told CHOR that if the county did not find a more suitable home for the baby’s older sister she could come stay with me. It seemed like the county was going to follow the foster mom and case worker’s advice to put her in a home where she is an only child. Apparently not. So, now I have to scramble to finish the basement project because we need another room in the house! And I still haven’t decided if me or Primero are moving to the basement. I’m very on the fence about for a few reasons. The reason I wouldn’t want Primero in the basement is because I would worry that he will spend all night on his phone talking to random people he doesn’t know. In other words, being a teenager. Ugh! The reason I don’t want to go to the basement is because I worry about being cut-off from the little girl, since her room would be upstairs and I would not. The baby would move with me because he sleeps in my room. The reason I want to go the basement is the same reason Primero wants to go down there too – space. It would be the biggest room in the house and have a very ample closet, especially compared to the pathetic space available in the upstairs bedrooms. And, despite being a basement room, it gets plenty of sunshine thanks to a rather large window that gets the afternoon sun. Well, we might just have to flip a coin for it! So while CHOR was hoping to move the little girl in with me today, I asked for the rest of this week to finish the project, since I hadn’t heard anything in the past two weeks that she was coming. My house, which was void of children the beginning of this year, is now full to the brim – just the way I like it! J

Enjoy What Is (From July 25, 2014)

Last night we spent time with Primero’s younger sisters. As a last minute plan, he asked if we could go to their house to see them and I agreed since we have been trying for a while to get to see them. So, we arrived at the house, which is on a small narrow street where parking is a premium, so we ended up parking down the block and around the corner. And then we had to hike back to the house lugging the baby and diaper bag. At the house we met the two girls and their step-mother and their two half-brothers. I didn’t want to go inside because from the porch I could smell the stench of cigarette smoke. But, I couldn’t be rude so I held my breath and stepped inside. I ended up talking to the girl’s step-mom for the 2+ hours we were there and I expressed my gratitude in allowing the kids to see one another. The step-mother does not have a very high opinion of the children’s mother and she is not afraid to express her distaste. The older of the two sisters is also very vocal in her criticism of her mother. Primero does not join in the mother-bashing and never really says anything negative at all about her. I, likewise, am never critical of his mother and when he does get upset with her about certain things I am sure to try to put a positive spin on it. I know it meant a lot for him to be able to see his sisters last night and I’m glad we were able to go, but the effects of sitting in a house so full of second-hand smoke has me feeling unwell. I have a lingering headache and my eyes feel overly dry. The reason I decided to leave was because my eyes were beginning to water and my throat was starting to hurt. I just can’t tolerate cigarette smoke, it just makes me feel ill. And, I hated having the baby breathing in that unclean air.

 

So, something I need to get off my chest. And I wish I knew a family that adopted an older child so we could talk about how they felt about this same topic. Perhaps I just need to confront my expectations regarding adoption? Anyway, I have been feeling like this off and on for some time regarding Primero and it bugs me. The feelings resurfaced when his mother did and they have been bubbling under the skin for some time now. I know it is a good thing for Primero to have a connection to his biological family and to the people who were important in his life, I don’t question this and I do what I can to facilitate on-going relationships. But, I feel like he too needs to begin embracing my family and the people important in my life because they are now all his too. Primero has this aunt he is close to because he lived with her when he was very young. She was married to his mother’s brother and, at the time, wanted to adopt him but Primero’s mother never let her. Fast forward to a little over a year ago and she wouldn’t take Primero in because she has a pre-teen and a baby and her new husband was not interested in taking this kid into his house. Yet, just this morning when we were talking about where Primero would go when I have to do an out-of-town training for work, he insisted he would go to this aunt, rather than the person I suggested. I know I am looking at this wrong, but if this woman loved this kid enough to want to adopt him as a child, why not jump at the chance now? Because the man you are with says no? I don’t think I would be as forgiving as Primero. I guess it is jealousy; I want to be the be-all, end-all in his life but I am not. I have to learn to embrace all his baggage and not make him live up to my ideal as an adopted son solely devoted to me. And, to be fair, I don’t dislike any of the family members I have met, they have all be gracious and welcoming to me. I just need to get over “it” and enjoy what is.  

Perils of Adopting a Teen (From July 21, 2014)

I had written a few weeks ago that Primero’s mother is back in the picture. Well, she finally spoke to him last night – late last night. And so many, many things bother me about this. First of all, it bothers me that it took her this long to contact him and yet, he was just as happy to talk to her regardless of how long she has been absent. It bugs me that she promises him she is on the straight and narrow now and that this time she will get it together and he believes her with nary a hint of wariness. But, what bothers me most of all is that she is called “mom” and I am just my name. Who was there for this kid when he had an emergency situation and was in excruciating pain? She wasn’t talking to him through the bathroom door, that was me. Who got him enrolled in a great summer camp where he has flourished and over-came stage fright enough to sing in front of a large group of people? Who was there to witness him singing, to cheer him on and record the whole thing? Me again. I know it’s stupid and I just need to get over it, I mean she will always be his biological mother, but I want the honor of being “Mom.” Is it jealousy? I don’t know. To me, it’s like she had her chance at being his mom and couldn’t get it together for one reason or another. Now it is my turn. I think, more than anything, it bothers me to know how much of a hold she still has over him, how devoted he still is to her, no matter what awful things she did or let happen to him. I guess I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what happens, I will always play second fiddle to her. It’s not that I don’t want Primero to have a relationship with his biological mother, I just wish he could keep her at arm’s length until she proves she isn’t so toxic to him. A few days ago he was crushed because she mentioned something on Facebook about her “son” singular and not “sons.” That hurt him because she was talking about his older brother and she left him out. But, now last night they were reminiscing about the good times (which is a good thing) and the various dogs they had and which dog was closest to which family member. He told her about his success at camp, singing in front of so many people and how he was going to be in a play in a few weeks. He told me when they hung up he wasn’t sure she was listening the whole time he was talking. I guess I can only do so much. Just the other week we were talking about how I will always be there for Primero and he said, “My mom said that until she chose her boyfriend over us.” I told him to put me to the test, to watch me prove through actions that what I say is true – I will always be there for him, he is a priority in my life and no man will change that. But, I worry that, if push came to shove, he would choose her over me. I worry that once he is an adult and moves out, he will go back to his “other” family and leave me high and dry. I suppose these are the perils of adopting and older child.  

Ain't No Saint (From July 16, 2014

Why do people call me a saint? Because I’m not one, that’s for sure. The nurse practitioner told me that surely I would be rewarded in heaven for my saintly duties as a foster mother. I’m not a saint. This morning when my sleep deprived body refused to obey my command to get out of bed and soothe the crying baby, I was far from sainthood. When children in the past have made me want to pull my hair out or feel grateful when dropping them off in respite care, I was no saint. And while those judging the situation as a single woman taking on the responsibilities of another woman’s child, in reality I am the one getting what she wants out of the whole ordeal. I have wanted an infant from the word go and, even though he loves being cranky all night long, I couldn’t be happier having this little one with me. Trust me, it’s not a wholly altruistic act to assume responsibility for another person's  baby when in reality you are hoping to call that baby yours. When I drag my heavy sandpaper-feeling eye lids up to glare blearily at my alarm, I am reminded that this won’t last forever. Either the baby will grow enough to begin sleeping through the night, or he will be sent home and no longer be my responsibility. Given the choices, I of course hope for the former. I want more than anything to keep this baby and call him my son. He is already so precious to me. He is already beginning to recognize my voice and my touch. I snuggle him close to me and kiss his sweet face, reminding myself he will never be this little again, so I should enjoy him while I can. Do I wish I could get a little more sleep? You bet I do! But, I am so happy to have him, so over-the-moon ecstatic to be given the opportunity to mother a newborn straight from the hospital, to get all the firsts I missed with Primero.  

Unleash the Cracken (From July 15, 2014)

It’s about to get crazy up in here. CHOR called me yesterday afternoon to see if I would be willing to take the baby’s older sister, whom I’ve had in respite a bunch of weekends. The other family put a 30 day notice in on her, but not her older sister and the county has decided to split them up. It makes logical sense that they ask me, since I’ve spent some time with her and because I have her baby brother. But…… This child is much like the little girl I had last year in terms of behaviors. She requires a lot of redirection and attention. This worked when it was just Primero and her because I could give her more attention. But, with an infant taking so much of my time, it would be a lot different. This would also require the basement bedroom to be completed posthaste. I told CHOR I would think about it. I wanted to discuss it with Primero first because the little girl bugs him and he has expressed feelings of frustrations with her. We discussed it and he was ok with her moving in. I’m still not sold on the idea and I will continue contemplating the possibility until the end of the week which is CHOR’s deadline for me. The foster mother who has the little girl right now also baby-sits the baby and she advised me to say no based on her experiences with the girl. It’s been different at my house and I don’t have the same issues with the girl that the other family has had – not to say those issues wouldn’t arise once the girl gets settled. I did have all three kids for the 4^th of July weekend and it really wasn’t that bad. Of course a weekend and 24/7 is not quite the same. I’m praying for some revelation about it because from minute to minute I waiver from yes to no. 

Delayed post (from July 14, 2014)

So, I kind of took an unplanned hiatus from my blog but I am trying to catch up, since I was writing but not posting. Here is something I wrote in July......

I am back at work now. My two week “parental” leave ended and it’s back to the realities of a working single mother. Most days I still pinch myself, thinking I’m just dreaming that this baby isn’t really in my home nestled in my arms. While I say that I’m trying to not get too attached, the reality is that it’s impossible not to fall in love with the little tiny peanut I brought home two weeks ago today. Truth be told, I love him so much already and I hope and pray I can keep him. I know, I know, as a foster mother, my job is to help the children go back home, to be reunited with their parents and families. But, I would be lying to say I don’t want the baby to stay forever. I mean, his case is legal risk, so I’m not the only one thinking it’s a possibility. In any event, the baby is staying with me at least until the end of the month of July. That is when there is another court hearing. The county assures me they have no plans on sending the baby or his older siblings home, but they have all new judges who have been making some really wonky decisions regarding cases. It’s scary. I busy myself trying to stay on top of household chores in  a severe sleep-deprived state. Going back to work will only make things harder, but I can cope. I remind myself that it is just for a short period of time. Eventually, the baby will sleep through the night. Eventually…..

 

Primero has been tolerating the baby pretty well. It’s been an adjustment for us both, but I do my very best to give Primero one-on-one alone time when the baby is sleeping or at a visit. Right now he finds the baby tedious because according to him, “all he does is cry.” I think once the baby becomes more entertaining, Primero will be more invested as a big brother. Unfortunately, we’ve had another issue arise with the Pastor and Pastora regarding Primero. They asked me to meet with them last Thursday night. Pastora and I had a heated discussion regarding her making Primero sit downstairs for service rather than attend the Sunday school with the children. I figured they would talk to me about that, but I honestly thought they were meeting with me regarding the licensing. Wrong. They basically told me that I am not experienced enough to raise a teenager, that I have not taken my God given authority over Primero and he does not respect me and that basically they do not think I should adopt him. He is not opening up to anyone in the church and in fact, he is pulling me away from church. They envision nothing but heartache for me regarding this child and the Pastor even suggested we would wind up as clients of BCCYS because of Primero (I guess he means I would seek to dissolve the adoption). I said very little during our exchange, concentrating on not crying or simply storming out. My emotions are harder to reign in when I miss too much sleep. I was so hurt, so very, very hurt. And I was shocked and stunned into silence. I couldn’t imagine why they were saying these things to me. Primero had refused to come into the church, choosing to sleep in the car instead. We drove home in silence. Primero asked me what was wrong but I brushed him off. I wanted to take a nice hot shower and sob my eyes out but the baby began crying and I ended up retreating to my bedroom instead. There Primero confronted me and I told him what had occurred and how badly it made me feel. I told him I could have a thousand conversations like that, but never would it make me change my mind about adopting him. We are in the process of looking for a new church. One where Primero will be welcomed.