I am back at work now. My two week “parental” leave ended and it’s back to the realities of a working single mother. Most days I still pinch myself, thinking I’m just dreaming that this baby isn’t really in my home nestled in my arms. While I say that I’m trying to not get too attached, the reality is that it’s impossible not to fall in love with the little tiny peanut I brought home two weeks ago today. Truth be told, I love him so much already and I hope and pray I can keep him. I know, I know, as a foster mother, my job is to help the children go back home, to be reunited with their parents and families. But, I would be lying to say I don’t want the baby to stay forever. I mean, his case is legal risk, so I’m not the only one thinking it’s a possibility. In any event, the baby is staying with me at least until the end of the month of July. That is when there is another court hearing. The county assures me they have no plans on sending the baby or his older siblings home, but they have all new judges who have been making some really wonky decisions regarding cases. It’s scary. I busy myself trying to stay on top of household chores in a severe sleep-deprived state. Going back to work will only make things harder, but I can cope. I remind myself that it is just for a short period of time. Eventually, the baby will sleep through the night. Eventually…..
Primero has been tolerating the baby pretty well. It’s been an adjustment for us both, but I do my very best to give Primero one-on-one alone time when the baby is sleeping or at a visit. Right now he finds the baby tedious because according to him, “all he does is cry.” I think once the baby becomes more entertaining, Primero will be more invested as a big brother. Unfortunately, we’ve had another issue arise with the Pastor and Pastora regarding Primero. They asked me to meet with them last Thursday night. Pastora and I had a heated discussion regarding her making Primero sit downstairs for service rather than attend the Sunday school with the children. I figured they would talk to me about that, but I honestly thought they were meeting with me regarding the licensing. Wrong. They basically told me that I am not experienced enough to raise a teenager, that I have not taken my God given authority over Primero and he does not respect me and that basically they do not think I should adopt him. He is not opening up to anyone in the church and in fact, he is pulling me away from church. They envision nothing but heartache for me regarding this child and the Pastor even suggested we would wind up as clients of BCCYS because of Primero (I guess he means I would seek to dissolve the adoption). I said very little during our exchange, concentrating on not crying or simply storming out. My emotions are harder to reign in when I miss too much sleep. I was so hurt, so very, very hurt. And I was shocked and stunned into silence. I couldn’t imagine why they were saying these things to me. Primero had refused to come into the church, choosing to sleep in the car instead. We drove home in silence. Primero asked me what was wrong but I brushed him off. I wanted to take a nice hot shower and sob my eyes out but the baby began crying and I ended up retreating to my bedroom instead. There Primero confronted me and I told him what had occurred and how badly it made me feel. I told him I could have a thousand conversations like that, but never would it make me change my mind about adopting him. We are in the process of looking for a new church. One where Primero will be welcomed.
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