Last night we spent time with Primero’s younger sisters. As a last minute plan, he asked if we could go to their house to see them and I agreed since we have been trying for a while to get to see them. So, we arrived at the house, which is on a small narrow street where parking is a premium, so we ended up parking down the block and around the corner. And then we had to hike back to the house lugging the baby and diaper bag. At the house we met the two girls and their step-mother and their two half-brothers. I didn’t want to go inside because from the porch I could smell the stench of cigarette smoke. But, I couldn’t be rude so I held my breath and stepped inside. I ended up talking to the girl’s step-mom for the 2+ hours we were there and I expressed my gratitude in allowing the kids to see one another. The step-mother does not have a very high opinion of the children’s mother and she is not afraid to express her distaste. The older of the two sisters is also very vocal in her criticism of her mother. Primero does not join in the mother-bashing and never really says anything negative at all about her. I, likewise, am never critical of his mother and when he does get upset with her about certain things I am sure to try to put a positive spin on it. I know it meant a lot for him to be able to see his sisters last night and I’m glad we were able to go, but the effects of sitting in a house so full of second-hand smoke has me feeling unwell. I have a lingering headache and my eyes feel overly dry. The reason I decided to leave was because my eyes were beginning to water and my throat was starting to hurt. I just can’t tolerate cigarette smoke, it just makes me feel ill. And, I hated having the baby breathing in that unclean air.
So, something I need to get off my chest. And I wish I knew a family that adopted an older child so we could talk about how they felt about this same topic. Perhaps I just need to confront my expectations regarding adoption? Anyway, I have been feeling like this off and on for some time regarding Primero and it bugs me. The feelings resurfaced when his mother did and they have been bubbling under the skin for some time now. I know it is a good thing for Primero to have a connection to his biological family and to the people who were important in his life, I don’t question this and I do what I can to facilitate on-going relationships. But, I feel like he too needs to begin embracing my family and the people important in my life because they are now all his too. Primero has this aunt he is close to because he lived with her when he was very young. She was married to his mother’s brother and, at the time, wanted to adopt him but Primero’s mother never let her. Fast forward to a little over a year ago and she wouldn’t take Primero in because she has a pre-teen and a baby and her new husband was not interested in taking this kid into his house. Yet, just this morning when we were talking about where Primero would go when I have to do an out-of-town training for work, he insisted he would go to this aunt, rather than the person I suggested. I know I am looking at this wrong, but if this woman loved this kid enough to want to adopt him as a child, why not jump at the chance now? Because the man you are with says no? I don’t think I would be as forgiving as Primero. I guess it is jealousy; I want to be the be-all, end-all in his life but I am not. I have to learn to embrace all his baggage and not make him live up to my ideal as an adopted son solely devoted to me. And, to be fair, I don’t dislike any of the family members I have met, they have all be gracious and welcoming to me. I just need to get over “it” and enjoy what is.
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