Do you ever have one of those moments where you pause and look at your life? Yesterday morning, as I was putting face wash on my toothbrush, it struck me at how crazy different my life is right now than it was last year this time. Last year, the end of September was hard because I was packing and saying good-bye to two precious little children I had been caring for since January. My heart was breaking yet again as my house fell silent and my schedule yawned wide open. The kids left on my birthday, so it is a date I will never forget. I still think about them often, wondering how they are doing, how big they have gotten. Sometimes I stalk the little girl’s grandmother on Facebook to catch a glimpse of her in photos – she is so tall and turning into such a beautiful little girl! My parents, especially my mother, still lament the loss of the little boy I know they wish was their grandson. My birthday is exactly two weeks from today and it’s going to be much different this year. Primero has court the day before my birthday. Unfortunately it is not his adoption date, but just another permanency hearing in which nothing will be discussed because nothing has changed. His mother is back in jail, so it’s unlikely she will be there. Maybe his goal will be changed from PLC to adoption? I don’t know and no one has said anything to me about it. So, as I wiped the face wash from my toothbrush onto my forehead and thoroughly rinsed the brush under hot water, I contemplated how this past year has gone and how things have changed. After the little ones left I had a slew of respite placements for various weekends in October and then nothing. I tried to stay busy with other things, like a writing course and online dating, but coming home to an empty house (minus the animals, of course) night after night was devastating. After more heartache about a baby I dubbed my Christmas miracle, the new year began with another respite placement for a weekend, which turned into every weekend for two months then a temporary placement made permanent and now on the way to adoption in five short months. Things were looking good, we were settled into a routine and then summer came, bringing with it another respite placement that stretched from one to multiple weekends. And then our world was disrupted by a new placement for a brand new baby followed shortly after with his sister, the persistent respite placement. So, here we are. The house is full to the gills and I don’t remember what it was like to come straight home from work to a quiet, empty house.
People continually ask me if I am adopting the baby. I would love nothing more than to keep him and call him mine, but the process is not quite that simple. I don’t really know anything about his case, although I was told he was a legal risk placement. He’s not as easy as the first newborn I had (which I now know was a ridiculously easy baby!) and I have lost more than my fair share of sleep these past couple of months, but I love him dearly and pray he can stay. I know, I know, I’m supposed to be advocating reunification because, as far as I know, that is the goal. But, at the godforsaken hour of night when it’s just me and the baby and he is fed and clean and has fallen asleep in my arms, it’s really very hard to consider giving him back to a mother who hasn’t rocked him to sleep every night. Not that she was given that option, since he was taken from the hospital. As happy as that day was for me, I felt her pain too. When the case workers walked in and spoke to me about court and whatnot, then told me they were going to notify the mother she wasn’t taking her baby home, my insides twisted into knots for her. How horrible it must have been, hearing the baby you just gave birth to was going home with some stranger. It had to be the worst thing ever. I still shudder just thinking about it. But, unfortunately, her pain was my bliss. I had this tiny baby to take home and hold and kiss and love. He was a fickle eater back then and I had to nearly force him to eat at times, but it paid off when he finally got on the right formula and began eating like a champ. Now, he’s chubby and adorable with bright eyes and the longest most beautiful eyelashes ever seen. Now my life is in essence running children around the county for one reason or another. I have two full-time jobs and one of them is 24/7. I long for the nights when I can sleep a solid 5-6 hours straight, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Because I am single and now caring for three children, I make it a point to try to have alone time with every child for at least a few minutes every day. I want each one to get my undivided attention so they don’t feel like I am neglecting them. Generally, the little girl gets this time when I am giving her a bath and putting her to bed. That’s her time with me. The baby gets my time after chores are done and before he nods off. Once he is asleep, Primero has my attention. I promised Primero that once every month we will do something just the two of us. It can be something simple, like going to the movies, or a planned event like the Fallout Boy concert we went to over Labor Day weekend. I think next month we will visit a haunted penitentiary in Philly because he likes things like that and I am crazy. I don’t like scary things, they give me nightmares. But, it’s important that he doesn’t feel pushed aside by the little ones. We need to keep our bond tight as we move into finalizing the adoption.
No comments:
Post a Comment