Perils of Adopting a Teen (From July 21, 2014)

I had written a few weeks ago that Primero’s mother is back in the picture. Well, she finally spoke to him last night – late last night. And so many, many things bother me about this. First of all, it bothers me that it took her this long to contact him and yet, he was just as happy to talk to her regardless of how long she has been absent. It bugs me that she promises him she is on the straight and narrow now and that this time she will get it together and he believes her with nary a hint of wariness. But, what bothers me most of all is that she is called “mom” and I am just my name. Who was there for this kid when he had an emergency situation and was in excruciating pain? She wasn’t talking to him through the bathroom door, that was me. Who got him enrolled in a great summer camp where he has flourished and over-came stage fright enough to sing in front of a large group of people? Who was there to witness him singing, to cheer him on and record the whole thing? Me again. I know it’s stupid and I just need to get over it, I mean she will always be his biological mother, but I want the honor of being “Mom.” Is it jealousy? I don’t know. To me, it’s like she had her chance at being his mom and couldn’t get it together for one reason or another. Now it is my turn. I think, more than anything, it bothers me to know how much of a hold she still has over him, how devoted he still is to her, no matter what awful things she did or let happen to him. I guess I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what happens, I will always play second fiddle to her. It’s not that I don’t want Primero to have a relationship with his biological mother, I just wish he could keep her at arm’s length until she proves she isn’t so toxic to him. A few days ago he was crushed because she mentioned something on Facebook about her “son” singular and not “sons.” That hurt him because she was talking about his older brother and she left him out. But, now last night they were reminiscing about the good times (which is a good thing) and the various dogs they had and which dog was closest to which family member. He told her about his success at camp, singing in front of so many people and how he was going to be in a play in a few weeks. He told me when they hung up he wasn’t sure she was listening the whole time he was talking. I guess I can only do so much. Just the other week we were talking about how I will always be there for Primero and he said, “My mom said that until she chose her boyfriend over us.” I told him to put me to the test, to watch me prove through actions that what I say is true – I will always be there for him, he is a priority in my life and no man will change that. But, I worry that, if push came to shove, he would choose her over me. I worry that once he is an adult and moves out, he will go back to his “other” family and leave me high and dry. I suppose these are the perils of adopting and older child.