Things are improving, bit by bit. At least we are not fighting and both living at home. Flaco has still been pushing his crazy ideas of getting a truck (which we cannot afford) and that I get rid of one cat and one dog (I had someone interested in the dog and they backed out – someone might be interested in the cat, but I haven’t heard anything yet). I don’t want to give the animals away because I care for them. They are part of my family, even if Flaco thinks that it’s crazy to care for an animal so much (this is just another example of the differences in our cultures – in Nicaragua, the people are simply too poor to monetarily take care of animals especially animals that don’t pull their own weight like dogs and cats, although to be perfectly honest, there is an awful lot of animal abuse in that country – here in the US we treat our beloved pets like people, so it’s a drastic difference). I have been dragging my feet, hoping Flaco will change his mind. I think the truck issue will resolve itself when he goes someplace to buy one and the dealer tells him “no” because they can see how close to the edge we live. At least, that is my hope.
In other areas, we have re-consummated our marriage by becoming intimate again. However . . . . Flaco refused to use the condom. He said he thinks there is only a 10-15% chance that we could get pregnant and he is willing to take that chance. I asked, “But, what if we do? Then what?” His response was, “So what? Why is that a problem?” I was flabbergasted. I asked if he was sure because of us needing to work on our marriage and not be distracted by other things. He said that he knows we will change to “make it work” and that he doesn’t believe a baby would make things harder on us. I would like to drink whatever he is drinking!!! I mean, am I wrong in thinking this is not a good idea? I know that last night we are safe, since it would be too early in the cycle, but it’s not a given! To think that after 2+ years of trying so hard to get pregnant, I am now worried that we might get pregnant at the wrong time! God has a seriously demented sense of humor! But, this situation has me thinking that perhaps last week’s blow up had more to do with our infertility struggles than was immediately obvious.
On more than one occasion I have lamented Flaco’s seemingly disinterest in getting pregnant. I have noted his indifference and emotional stoicism while I fall to pieces. Our last serious conversation before “The Event” Flaco told me he doesn’t want to spend any more money on infertility treatments. Maybe part of the blow up stemmed from Flaco holding all of these emotions inside. I know that he cannot remain as unaffected as he would like to have the world believe. And now, his actions seem to reveal his desire to be a father in a way I have never seen before. He has never expressed feelings of inadequacy or un-manliness, but something about the way he said last night, that he wouldn’t be unhappy if we got pregnant now in all this turmoil, showed me more of what he was thinking and feeling than I have known in over two years. Maybe I am reading too much into this. Or it could be my women’s intuition understanding how my husband has been struggling with this immense issue. While I struggled more “publically” Flaco has been grieving and hurting underneath. His machismo hasn’t let him release these feelings until he blew up. I know that Flaco wants to be a father. Right after we got married, Flaco hid my birth control pills because he wanted us to have a baby. He wanted a baby a month after we started dating (which freaked me out, let me tell you!!!)!!! So, that has never been in question. And even though tests show that Flaco seems to be ok in terms of infertility, the accumulative feelings of disappointment surely have to have some kind of effect, no?
So, here we are in this strange new place. It’s hard to really pin down how I am feeling right now because my emotions have been bouncing all over the place. I am thankful that Flaco met with Pastor Ramon, but I am still sad/angry/annoyed at Flaco’s insistence on me giving up the animals. I am glad that we are talking and that we are trying to repair our relationship, but I am worried that “this” could happen again or worse. And waiting on the sidelines we have other peripheral issues such as, Flaco having to make amends to my parents and sister because they are still pretty peeved. And our financial issues are still hanging around. Plus, now we have this tug-of-war going on with contraception or conception. As our poor friends in the mid-West know too well, when it rains, it pours. . . . .
It sounds like he is willing to work on it, but things take time. I would maybe ask if it is right to make such big changes and decisions right now (like getting rid of the animals and getting a new truck) while you are still sorting everything out. I hope he continues to talk to you and with the Pastor and work on your marriage. Wishing you all the best as always.
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