Por Tu Maldito Amor

     Flaco saw the pastor Monday night, despite his resistance. I had called him from work (Flaco doesn’t work Monday’s and Tuesday’s) to see what time he would be meeting with Pastor Ramon. He said he didn’t know, he was going to wait for the pastor to call him. When I got home around 4:45, Flaco was going over to one the neighbor’s houses to visit for a little bit. I fell asleep on the couch (since last week, I have not been sleeping very well) and woke up when he got back. By then it was after 6. Flaco was home for a bit and decided he wanted to go to the Goodwill store. I began making dinner and Flaco left. He was gone about 20 minutes when there was a knock at the door. It was Pastor Ramon. I explained that Flaco was not home, that he had gone to the Goodwill. Pastor Ramon said he had called Flaco, but he did not answer and that he had an errand to run, but promised to check back in a little bit. Flaco came home and I asked him again when he was going to meet with the pastor. He told me the pastor had never called him. I bit my tongue, but did suggest he call the pastor. He refused. I then revealed that Pastor Ramon had come by the house looking for him and promised to return. This resulted in an argument which was only interrupted by the return of Pastor Ramon. Flaco was annoyed because he thought the house was dirty, but he sat down and talked with the pastor for about an hour or more. I sat out on the front porch with the computer and one of the dogs (Monster, the husky – well, his real name is Toby, but I call him Monster).
     When Pastor Ramon and Flaco came out of the house, Pastor Ramon said that Flaco had agreed that he wanted to work on our relationship and he agreed to get some help from the pastor and his wife (this shocked me, because the argument before Pastor Ramon arrived involved Flaco telling me how he didn’t think the pastor would help and if I wanted help I should see a therapist, but that he was fine and didn’t want any outsiders to get into the intimate parts of our relationship). I stared at Flaco, trying to ask him with my eyes if he truly agreed to this, or if he only agreed to appease the pastor. We agreed to meet next Monday (the day before our 3rd wedding anniversary) with Pastor Ramon and Pastora Gloria. As Pastor Ramon put it, “bring your boxing gloves” because we are going to hash things out and air our grievances. He suggested we try to talk to renew our friendship, but to not harp on the topics that will cause us to fight. He felt we should wait to drag that all out next Monday. And the last thing Pastor Ramon said before he left was, “Flaco is the first person that I am going to prohibit from visiting my church.” I’m not sure what this meant, so later I asked Flaco and he didn’t know either. I think perhaps Pastor Ramon wants to make a point to Flaco that his interest in helping us has nothing to do with making Flaco go to church (one of the two issues Flaco has with meeting with the pastor; Flaco thinks that pastors in general only want to make you go to their church or to give them money).
     After Pastor Ramon left, Flaco and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. On the way there, we talked in the car. And it was interesting the things Flaco brought up. Interesting and good. He said that he wishes I would make plans for us to do things together. Now, when I tried to make plans in the past he would get all pissed off because I didn’t tell him about it until the time came to do whatever we were doing. Apparently, he wants me to just check with him first, to see if he has anything planned because I am thinking of planning something, and then he will be happy to go along with it. Ok, this is news to me. And it sounds perfectly reasonable. Flaco was saying he felt like sometimes we are just physical together and that there is no connection (to be fair, there has been more than one occasion in which I have demanded he have sex with me because I might be ovulating). He also asked if I could cook more things he likes so he can eat more at home. So, we talked about this and I said that I don’t mind cooking for him and for me, but maybe we should sit down and decide for the following week what it is that we want to eat and then I can make it. Flaco grew up eating freshly cooked food simply because his family never had (and still does not have) a refrigerator. He eats warm-ups or left-overs, but he would rather have freshly made food (which, don’t we all?). Growing up, my mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was 10 years old. We always had homemade meals, either made by my mother, my Nana, or me (I started cooking for the family when I was about 12 – at first just getting things started and then when I was a bit older, I planned the meals we would eat). So, we are going to start planning out the meals to make for the following week, ensuring that I have time to purchase the ingredients and then make the food, of course. This actually makes me happy because I too am sick of the same-old same-old stuff I make. And I hate cooking for only myself. So, these are two good areas to begin making changes.
     I did mention to Flaco my latest obsession of him having a girlfriend. This bothered him (as it should) and he said that he would not have come back if he was messing around with another woman, he simply would have said he found someone else and be done with it. He asked that I not bring this up again because it is hurtful and it is untrue. To me, in my heart of hearts, I did not think he was cheating or having a fling, but once the idea was introduced into my mind, it was hard to get it out. If Flaco is willing to move forward and work things out, then I must, at least, let this go for now.
     At Wal-Mart Monday night, I bought a box of condoms. On our way there, I asked Flaco if he had a preference. His response was, “I don’t want to use them because it doesn’t matter anyway. We can’t have children, so there is no point.” I told him that even though it might be slim, there is still that off chance that we could get pregnant if we don’t use some type of protection. And since we agreed (or I thought we had agreed) that now is not the time to be trying to bring a baby into the mix, it makes sense to use condoms rather than have me go back on the pill (because that will require a visit to the doctor and we would still need to use back-up methods for the first month – plus, I hate the pill and how it makes me feel mentally and emotionally). In our relationship, we have rarely used condoms mostly because I went on the pill and now we have been trying to have a baby for over two years. The few times we have used condoms it has not been effective because we end of taking it off or tearing it. Neither of us likes how it feels. But, we need to work on us right now. It hurts. I hate it. But, right now it does not make sense to procreate. We will reevaluate this decision again after this month.
     This is a slow wound to heal. I feel like a lot of the pressure has been released since Flaco met with the pastor. We have both taken the first, big, scary step. Now, we need to start mending the issues that caused the fissure in our relationship. We are taking baby steps right now. I need to learn to trust Flaco again and that will simply take time. We both need one another to hear what we have to say and to work towards agreement to build the life that we both want. I feel like now I have found all the pieces of me that were shattered and scattered about. What is left now is the monumental task of reassembling them all piece by piece.