Where do we go from here?

     Last night I met with the pastor and his wife, alone. Flaco was working, as he is today. I told Pastor Ramon and his wife, Pastora Gloria,  the story; the one I basically told here yesterday. One of the first questions the pastor asked me was if I thought Flaco had a fling going on, or if I thought there was another woman. Pastor Ramon seems to believe this can explain the crazy choices Flaco has made lately. To my knowledge, Flaco does not have a girlfriend on the side. But, of course once the idea is introduced into a woman's mind, it is all a woman can think about. I mean, if he did/does have another woman in his life, then it stands to reason I would be the last one to know, right?
     Beyond talking about the possibility that my husband has written his own death certificate (I don't take cheating lightly. I told him before we got married that if he cheated on me I would cut "it" off), we discussed Flaco's odd demands and his seemingly unawareness of how all this has affected me and in truth, us. Flaco seems to be marching on, business as usual. I mentioned something to Flaco about this ordeal and he said he did not want to talk about it and asked that I never bring up this subject again because it will only cause a massive fight. He has swept the biggest fight of our lives together under the rug. Meanwhile, I am still so hurt and tender and I have lost almost all of my confidence in him. I feel like I don't even know how to make it through each day, let alone weeks or months or years. I feel so uncertain about everything.
     Flaco promised to meet with Pastor Ramon on Monday. He gave his word. To me, he says he does not believe the pastor will help us and does not want to talk to him. Flaco believes that pastors in general just want to make you go to church or want your money. Pastor Ramon said he will not push Flaco, but he will try to hold him to his word. Pastor Ramon told me that if Flaco backs out tomorrow, he plans to show up at the restaurant where Flaco works just to let him know that he broke his word and that has consequences. I don't see Flaco appreciating that too much, but I really don't care.
     For me, I just feel so tired and broken. For two years I have been fighting against infertility. I have been dealing with the disappointment and anger month after month after month. I have tried to not let infertility make me bitter and angry, although I suppose it has to a certain degree. And I always had hope that it would end some day and that it would end with a "happily ever after." Now, as if dealing with my physical inadequacies has not been enough of a trial, now I have to deal with my whole life crashing down around me. I love Flaco. I always have. But, I cannot make him love me. I cannot make him willing to want to work on the issues we have. Inside I am like humpty-dumpty. All the kings horses and all the kinds men cannot put my heart and my soul back together again.