Nearly May

     I don't really have any new up-dates or anything important to say, really. I am tired. Tired right down to the depths of my soul. Right now, I feel like giving up and letting go. Everything I thought I wanted in life and what I thought came naturally, seems completely intangible at the moment. I met the man I love and thought that meant we would be a happy couple for the rest of our lives. Of course I knew there would be rocky patches and rough times, but I thought they might be fleeting compared to our happiness in being a couple. What happened Monday night has shaken my belief in us. The demands being placed on me have made me seriously question my husbands sincere devotion to me and love for me. I am unsure of the next minute, the next hour, the next day let alone the next week, the next month, or the next year. I feel utterly shattered inside. How much must I endure? Joyfulness and happiness has slowly leached out of my life in the trials of infertility in these past two years. And, as if that were not enough, I am now faced with the dissolution of my marriage. I do not want this. I can't even bring myself to say the "d" word. And I am not saying that we are that point - yet. But, I have never felt so unloved as I did Monday night and even these days following. I know you don't know the whole story. It seems silly that I am reticent to share this with you when you know all the intimate details of things like when I am ovulating (or that I am not ovulating), when I have my period or when it is late, and when Flaco and I have sex. So, if you are the type of person who likes to stare at car accidents as you drive past, keep reading and I will reveal the horrid tale.

     This shall be the Readers Digest version because quite frankly I am tired of telling the story and reliving the story at this point. If you recall, I told part of the story on Sunday, how Flaco refused to attend the Easter dinner at my parents house and instead went to eat at a friends house. I told you how this makes me feel like his friends are more important than me and how I hate that he does not relish spending time with me on one of his infrequent days off. I was rather pissed off at him. He was asleep when I came home. And sleeping on my side of the bed no less. So, I watched some TV, got myself ready for bed, and went to sleep on the couch. Sometime after midnight Flaco woke up, went to the bathroom and wanted to know why I was on the sofa and demanded I come to bed. I pretended to be asleep and that I did not hear him. Really, I was uncomfortable on the couch, but I refused to budge. I'll show him (with my stiff neck and aching back), so there. The next day I went to work as usual. After work, I came home and Flaco was here of course. It was his day off. I ate dinner and got ready to go to a meeting that night. Flaco came and asked me if I was going to speak to him. I just stared at him, waiting for him to make the first move. He walked away. I went to my meeting and afterwards I went to the grocery store to get some milk. When I got back into my car, I checked my phone, which had been on silent. I had received a message from Nelson. Basically, it said he had made his decision and felt it was best for both of us and wished me well. He had left. So, of course I called him. We had a terrible conversation in which I cried (ok sobbed) and begged him to meet with me so we could talk face-to-face. He remained steadfast in his decision. I freaked. I called my parents and I was sobbing so hard (hysterically, really) that my mom could not understand me. She simply said, "Ok, hang on we are coming down" and hung up. Then I called my sister. She talked with me (or really, listened to me cry so hard she had to keep telling me to breathe) until my parents arrived a little after 11 pm. Slowly and painfully, the story came out. My dad looked so angry, it was probably a good thing Flaco was not there (My dad is relatively slow to anger, but once he is angry look out! He also does this thing where he literally bites his tongue and you can see him clenching his jaw. Many times my mom has warned him he will bite off his tongue, if he doesn't stop). So, while there were there, my mom decided to call Flaco and tell him he needs to be a man and come home and talk to his wife, that this is simply not how an adult handles things. They stayed with me until I calmed down a bit - well after 12 am. The house never felt so big and empty to me as it did that night. I haven't slept alone in this house since Flaco came her 4 1/2 years ago (I was alone in the house for about 6 weeks before Flaco's paperwork went through - although I was rarely here since I was working two jobs like a crazy woman). Flaco called me around 1:20 am asking me why I had my mom call him. I said I didn't have her call that it was her own idea. Then he preceded to tell me his demands. Yes, he had three demands and if I agree, he would come back. His demands were 1) I give more credence to his opinions and his ideas, 2) I get rid of one of the dogs (Toby, the husky) and both of the cats (so we would only have my dog that I brought back from Nicaragua), and 3) that he can have what he wants, which is a truck. I told him I would consider it. I told him I wanted us to get therapy as my command and he shot it down. We ended our conversation around 2 am. I tried to sleep, tossing and turning my my side of the bed. For once, the cats got to sleep in the bed (Flaco hates having animals in the bed) with me. Around 3 am I got up to use the bathroom. At some time after that I fell asleep. I awoke again around 5 am. I tossed and turned but could not fall back asleep. I finally got up when my alarm went off at 6:30 am. I tried to fix myself up as best as I could and went to work. I did not call or text Flaco, waiting for him to contact me first. I was such a hot mess that I asked to leave work early. A friend from work suggested I do a drive by and see if Flaco was where I suspected he was at. Flaco told me he was over an hour away and asked that I not try to find him and that I not contact his work (he told me he was quitting his job and moving to another state - if you knew Flaco, this would make you laugh. He doesn't know anyone nearby, only in Florida or California, neither of which are close to where we live in PA). I drove by a place I thought he might be on my way home from work, which I had left at 2 pm. His car was not there. I had to stop by the bank to make a deposit (Flaco usually does this for me, but well, you know). I got home around 2:30. Flaco's car was parked outside. I was so nervous entering my own home. I saw Flaco's friend Pepe sitting at our kitchen table, but did not see Flaco. His friend told me he was asleep. Good to know he didn't get a good night's sleep either. I sat and talked to his friend for a little while, until Flaco woke up and joined us in the kitchen. His friend escaped outside, saying he needed to get some fresh air. Flaco was still visibly angry as he sat down at the kitchen table. We talked for a bit. I made him look me in the eyes and tell me that he cared for me because I truly felt like he did not. He said that is why he was back. Through careful negotiations I convinced him to speak to the pastor, once. This was in exchange for meeting his demands, sort of. Later that night we met with the pastor and his wife. Right up to the second we walked into the Dunkin Donuts, where we were meeting with the pastor and his wife, Flaco was telling me how pointless this was, how much he didn't believe in the pastor or that he could help us, and how is only meeting with him once. But, once we were inside he was as sweet as pie. And he agreed to meet with the pastor again Thursday night. Wednesday and Thursday Flaco seemed to be in a fine mood, happy even. I felt and still feel, hurt and bruised. Last night Flaco cancelled on his meeting with the pastor, telling him Monday would be better. And again he told me how pointless he thinks this is. And I sink deeper and deeper into utter despair.

     And so here we are. I am supposed to meet with the pastor and his wife at some point tomorrow. And I guess we will see what will happen for Monday. Flaco apparently does not see any need to getting some help for us. Is it possible that he just doesn't know how much he has hurt me? Is he so daft as not to realize that his demands are unrealistic and very, very selfish? I feel bad saying such mean things about my own husband, but they are also true things. I am just so hurt by the lack of consideration for me and my feelings. I know this blog was supposed to be about our journey to start a family, but this is apparently part of our process. Unfortunately. Hopefully, this is the last ordeal we will have to endure before we have our joy and happiness.