Another one Bites the Dust

     The dreaded day has arrived. One of many dreaded days, I suppose. A friend of mine, who told me in November she was going to try to get pregnant with her husband before he gets deployed again next year (so, they were trying from November to March only – just to give it a whirl, see how it goes), emailed me today to tell me the wonderful news. She will be due most likely in November (she will get her due date after seeing her doctor next Tuesday). A year after she started trying. And I am still waiting. This was the last month they were going to try, to ensure the baby would be born before the proud new papa leaves. I hate it. I f-ing hate how simple it is for other people. Oh, sure she told me how worried she was about them having a hard time getting pregnant. She worried because in the 12 years (they are high school sweethearts) they have been together, she has never needed to take a test, even before they started using more technologically advanced birth control than the pull out method. It seems, that just because they now want a baby, viola! They get pregnant. I really want to be happy for her/them. But, “my give a dam’s busted.”
     She told me today via email while we were both at work. She wanted me to know before it gets posted on Facebook. She knows that we have been trying for over 2 years (28 months to be exact, but who’s counting?) and that getting news like this just rips my heart out. I told her and now I want to believe myself, that it is not about me, it is about her right now and that I am happy for her. In reality? I’m pissed. Generally speaking, I don’t like curse words. But, right now I could let out a whole long string of them. Like this: #$%%^*^*(@$!!!!!  You get the idea. To stop myself from bawling at work, I told myself that it doesn’t matter, she is just one of many, many friends/acquaintances who have gotten pregnant and had a baby before me. Most likely, she will not be the last. And since we got a nice hefty bill from the last procedure I had, any future infertility treatments are a long way off for me and Mr. Flaco. I am angry. Just down right furious at this stupid condition (I refuse to call it a disease – my stupid way of taking the sting out of it I guess).
     Some days it seems silly to be so worked up over something that hasn’t happened in only two years. I mean, two years, that is not a very long time, right? In the grand scheme of things two years is nothing. It’s not even a blip on the screen of human history. Yet, other days, two years feels like a life time. It feels like decades and centuries. And the insurmountable pain never decreases. The ache never lessens. The deep yearning and sadness only intensifies with every passing day. I think I stayed away from my blog for so long, posting random little things, because I was tired of facing these feelings. I was tired of feeling. Period. I wanted to pretend I really didn’t care anymore. I wanted to act as if it doesn’t matter, if it happens, it happens. Oh, to be so laid back! But, today these old feelings of anger and sorrow came bubbling up from the depths where I hid them. They threaten to over-take me, yet again. For most of the afternoon at work, I struggled to keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks. I went to the bathroom to compose myself, only to start the mad, rapid blinking trying to convince my eyes not to release the tears. Why is life so unfair? It’s not that I believe this friend doesn’t deserve a baby, because she does. I know she will be a great mom. But, don’t I deserve the same? Don’t I? Hello? Bueller? Bueller?
     I know when the time comes, I will be there for my friend. I know I will yet again stuff my feelings of utter betrayal (of my body, not my friend) deep down inside to be happy, happy, happy and giddy, giddy, giddy for her at the baby shower and of course the birth. I will celebrate with her when she finds out if her baby will be a boy or a girl. And I will listen to her whine about feeling sick and fat and uncomfortable. And the whole time, a tiny little part of me will scream, “NOT FAIR!! NOT FAIR!! NOT FAIR!!!” It isn’t f-ing fair at all. But, nowhere is it written that life is fair. So, I will suck it up. I will put on my big girl panties and get on with life.