Just a Dream

     I had a dream last night that I woke up Easter morning, took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was bursting at the seems to tell my family over the traditional Easter ham dinner. It was quite a lovely dream. But, alas, it was only a dream. Spotting has commenced today and as surely as the sun will come out tomorrow, my period will follow. I am teetering on the brink of despair, pushing myself to say, "It's ok. Really, it's fine. My body is just preparing itself for a baby next month." Because, as any infertile can tell you, until the full Flo has arrived, there is still that desperate clinging to any possible hope beyond hope that it's just the elusive "implantation bleeding," which I doubt exists. See this is a sick, twisted game I play with myself every month. Or at least every month in the past 2 + years. Spotting starts anytime from 10 days to a few hours before my period arrives. When I first notice it, I tell myself, "Well, that's it this month is a dud." But then some other part (perhaps the insane part) of my brain tells me," Now, wait a cotton-pickin' minute. You could still be pregnant. Spotting is common in early pregnancy. It could simply be implantation bleeding." As much as I tell this part of myself to stuff it, she screeches back louder and louder the longer I spot without getting my period. Month after agonizing month, this internal battle wages inside my head. On many occasions, the evil, insane side talks loud enough and long enough to convince the little sane part that there is still HOPE! It is still POSSIBLE! And then . . . . The epic crash. So, here I am again. Sane Me says, "It's your period. Get over it." Insane Me says, "It could just be random spotting! It could be implantation bleeding! A lot of women spot in the first trimester of their pregnancies. You never know. Take a test and see!"
     I am just exhausted from this whole ordeal. I am more than ready for this to be over already! I want my baby. MY BABY with Flaco's beautiful, thick, dark eye lashes. With my sometimes green, sometimes blue eyes. I want MY BABY to hold and kiss and cuddle. I want to take her to visit my mom and take walks with her in a stroller. I want to nap with her sleeping on my chest. I want my precious baby to love and to be in complete awe over. I don't want the tears anymore. I don't want to feel so sad and so desperate. I don't want to feel incomplete and wonder when, when, when it will happen. One of the hardest things about this whole miserable ordeal is the not knowing. Not knowing if or when I will have a baby to love and to hold. Not knowing if infertility will ever relinquish it's cruel hold on my body and my life. Not knowing if I will ever feel the first fluttering kicks of a baby growing in my womb. As the months drag on and on and as more and more friends get pregnant quickly and easily, the dream seems more like it is just that - a dream. A surreal and unrealistic story tale. I might as well dream about living on the moon. . . . .