Secret Confessions of an Infertile Mind

Yesterday’s e-mail conversation:

Newly pregnant friend T: “Hey there. How are you?”
Me: “Hi! I’m ok. How are you doing?” – thinking to myself, “I wonder why she is contacting me out of the blue like this?”T:  “I’m good. . . I have some news for you . . . . I have been waiting to tell you because I wanted to be sure . . . . . I just don’t want you to be upset.
Me: “Congratulations! I must say, I have been expecting it . . . “ – what I wanted to say, “ Oh my god, you’ve got to be f-ing kidding me?! Seriously?! Just stab me in the dam heart and get it over with already!! This f-ing sucks!!”T: “It happened the last month we were going to try. . . I really didn’t think it would happen. But I wanted to tell you before it was on Facebook or anything. You are one of my very good friends and I wanted you to know before the whole world knew.”
Me: “Thank you. I am very happy for you. How are you feeling?” – what I wanted to say, “I’m dying inside. This isn’t fair. The last month you were going to try?! Wtf!! You really didn’t think it was going to happen, but it DID. When I really think it isn’t going to happen, I am right. It doesn’t. Hell, when I really think it will happen, it doesn’t. F this!”T: “Like poo . . . .  nauseous all the time. . . . and fat and very, very tired!”
Me: “I’m sorry you feel like poo. It will pass after the first few months.” – what I wanted to say, “I would give my left eye to feel like that!!! I would take throwing up every hour on the hour every day for the next nine months, if it only meant I would get a baby at the end of it all!!! Excuse me while I try to feel sorry for you. . . “T: “R u alright?”
Me: “It’s not about me right now. But thank you for worrying about me. When are you due?” – what I wanted to say, “No, I am not alright. I am the farthest thing from alright at this moment. I hate you a little bit right now. How is that alright?!”T: “I’m not sure yet. My first Dr’s appointment is next Tuesday. . . . if I did my calculations correct, I would be due the end of November.”
Me: “Very exciting! Are you going to try to find out if you are having a boy or a girl? (I know, that is several months away yet) – what I want to say, “You are going to have a baby before me. And it only took you five FLIPPING  short moths of trying!!! Life is not fair.”T: “I don’t know. . . probably because I am not good with suspense.”
Me: “Well, it is great news and I am sure everyone is excited!” – what I want to say, “Not great with suspense?! Try waiting over two years and STILL NOT BEING PREGNANT for suspense. It’s spine-tingling!!”T: “Yeah, we are. It’s scary too! Thanks for being such a good friend.”     
Me: “You’re welcome. Being a good friend is easier to do over e-mail.” – what I wanted to say, “If we were doing this face to face I doubt you would call me a good friend. It’s much easier to censor my responses when I can type them out. In reality, I am crushed and trying so hard to dig up some feelings of joy for you. Right now, it ain’t happenin’.”T: “Yes that is why I told you this way . . . I know it would have been more appropriate to call you but I know what you are going through and I know this hurts you. . . . and just so you know . . . I totally understand. I understand if you want to keep your distance for a while. . . just please don’t avoid me the whole time, I would miss you!”
Me: “I don’t want to avoid you. I would like to avoid other things, but I won’t avoid you. I’ve done this before (not avoided people, but dealt with my own sh*t in this way before). It does hurt, which is why I must keep reminding myself that it is not about me. I am happy for you!” - what I really, really wanted to say, “You know what I am going through?! You gave yourself five f-ing months to get pregnant and here you are! Pregnant! You can’t possibly know what I am going through. Sure, you can try to imagine the endless pain and heartache. But, you don’t know!!! Deep down in your heart of hearts you have not experienced the monthly loss and the fear and shame of telling your husband, ‘hey sorry dude, you ain’t gonna be a daddy anytime soon!’  I know you are trying to be nice right now and deep down somewhere, the good me thanks you. But, shut the f up already, with you understand and you know how I feel!! Because you don’t. You just don’t.” T: “Thank you! It means a lot!”
Me: “You’re welcome.” - but what I really want to say is, “F- off!! Go take your working uterus and shove it!”     
     So, as one might expect, I can’t get my newly pregnant friend out of my head. I told Flaco about her last night. Our conversation went something like this (well, it was in Spanish, but you get the point).
Me “Flaco, you remember my friend T, right?” (funny side note, my husband cannot pronounce her name, so he calls her Estefanie)
Flaco, looking at my tear-stained face, “Yeah. She’s pregnant right? I told you.” I’m not sure what he meant by “I told you” but regardless, he has come to assume that if I am going to tell him about one of my friends it is because she is pregnant.
     This lead to a discussion (or more like me grilling him) on what we will do in our pursuit of our own pregnancy. Flaco stated he does not want to spend any more money on treatments. I asked him what he wants to do, meaning do you want to just give up on having kids period or are you ready to consider other options. He is dead set against adoption. It makes me so angry. I hate that I might never know what it feels like to be pregnant, but for the love of God, must I also not know what it feels like to be someone’s mother? I told him that I don’t want to go through life without having children and if I cannot have them “naturally” then I want to adopt. He does not think he will love someone else’s child. I said, “But it will be your child! He or she will have your name. Don’t you think that if there is a baby relying on you to take care of it and if he calls you Daddy, that you won’t grow to love him? It might be hard at first, but don’t you think you could love a baby that loves you?” And he stopped talking, promptly fell asleep while I cried myself to sleep.
     I don’t know where this leaves us. I hate ambiguity. I hate it almost as much as I hate PCOS and needles. I feel like we need a cut off date. Like, if we don’t get pregnant in the next two years then we will start the adoption procedures or something like that. Flaco seems completely content to live in vagueness. He seems unworried about what our next step could or should be.
     Quite frankly, I don’t want to wait anymore. Not one more day, not one more hour, not even for how long it takes me to type out this sentence. I am through with waiting. Haven’t I waited long enough? What the hell am I doing so wrong that I can’t have a baby?! I feel a rant coming on. . . It took my friend five lousy months to get pregnant. I have been waiting almost 6 times longer than that and I am still not pregnant!! I have already seen two doctors, been driven to the brink of insanity with medicine, been poked, prodded, x-rayed, scanned, and penetrated to oblivion. AND I STILL HAVE NOT HAD A DAM BABY!!! I’ve imagined myself pregnant so many times, that I am surprised my body has not taken to lactating just for sheer spite. I have cajoled, prayed, begged, demanded, cried, yelled, and raged to get pregnant. I have tried to think positive. I have tried to trick my body into getting pregnant by thinking the opposite – surely I will  get pregnant if I tell my body I don’t want to!? I have tried to ignore the whole dam thing. I had hope and I had moments when I felt for sure it was my time. AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A DAM BABY!!!! If it had only taken me five months to get pregnant I would have a baby over a year old now. Life is so unfair it sucks ass!!!
     If I were a better person, I would look at it this way: I have had a relatively easy life. I have not experienced extreme personal loss, like some of my friends. My parents are both alive and well. Both of my siblings are still living. I have a college education and I have had some adventures. I have a home and a job and a husband. Three of my four original grandparents are still living (my mom’s mom died from breast cancer when I was five, so I was too young to be traumatized by it). I had a good childhood (long story, but at my old job in a drug and alcohol facility, they made us attend this co-dependency workshop and I have never realized how great my childhood was until I heard these people’s stories. I was so thankful that I called my mom on my way home to thank her for not messing me up and for my wonderful childhood growing up on the farm). I did well in school without too much effort. I do well at my jobs without too much effort. This issue with infertility has been my first big challenge (well, being a Peace Corps volunteer in Nicaragua was a huge challenge too, but a different kind of challenge. At least then I knew, when times were tough, it would be over in two years). This issue has been my first great trial (well, living with my brother after he morphed into a hideous alien at age 15 was quite a trial, but I was on the peripheral, not in the thick of things). So, I should be grateful that this has been the first big bump in the road for me. It is just my time to be tried by the fire so that I might come out a stronger, more valuable gem.
     But, I’m not that good of a person. I’m a so-so good person. And the way I see it is, I’ve been tried long enough. I’ve been hurting long enough. I have waited my turn and seen others get what I have been waiting for with relative ease. I have been dealt a raw deal on this hand. And there is no end in sight. At least not one I can see. How do I put one foot in front of the other, day in and day out. How do I smile and laugh when inside my heart and soul are dying? How do I give up on a dream I am biologically predisposed to want? How do I stop imagining my child’s first steps, first day of school, graduation, wedding? How can I live a fulfilled life without children when I have always known I wanted to have them? How? Someone tell me how!!!!