Mother's Day

     Ah, Mother’s Day. Never has there been a more depressing holiday for an infertile. I was thinking today, how I have dealt with past Mother’s Days. The first year we were trying, I felt a little sad and jealous of a pregnant friend who was celebrating her first Mother’s Day (and, a little peeved that she was celebrating Mother’s Day when she hadn’t officially become a mother yet – but that was just sour grapes). Last year I was devastated and cried my eyes out, only after handing out carnations at a local restaurant in honor of Mother’s Day, taking my own mother out for brunch, and meeting up with her later that same day to buy baby gifts for my best friend’s up-coming shower. As I was thinking about this, I was shocked to find that I most likely will be spending this dismal day the same way as I have the past two years. I am sad. I have a pregnant friend. I won’t be buying any baby gifts yet, but I will be taking my mother out for dinner. And thinking about it this way, makes me even more depressed. Last year, I got myself through Mother’s Day by saying to myself, “This is the last Mother’s Day you will have to spend with empty arms. Surely, by next year you will have a baby!” Alas, I was only lying to myself. This year, I am just trying to focus on my mom and forget about me becoming a mother. Thus far, it is not working. Every dam flower commercial for Mother’s Day makes me bawl my eyes out.
     I know, right now I am not supposed to be thinking about having a baby. I am supposed to be concentrating on mending my relationship with my husband. Things are improving right now. We went out last night to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, even though, as Flaco put it, we aren’t Mexican. It was nice. We flirted with each other and talked (as much as we could over the loud live DJ) and had a nice dinner. The night was perfectly beautiful and we capped it off with a romp in the sack before bed. Which, of course, brought up the condom conundrum. It basically boils down to Flaco thinking things are fine. He said last night, “We are both here and we are both working to make changes,” as if that is all it takes. Perhaps he is suffering from the same thing that ails me – how the hell do you stop trying? I can’t turn off my desire to have a baby. I have tried putting it out of my mind, but it always finds it’s way back in. I feel like this struggle is beginning to define my life and not in a positive way. What steps can I take to mentally stop, even if physically we stop trying? (The condom only lasted for about half way and was long gone by the big finish).
     I think there should be an un-Mother's Day for all those women who desire to be mothers but their body's are conspiring against them. I wish for all infertiles that next Mother's Day we will be celebrating as "real" mother's instead of mothers-in-waiting. For now, I guess we have to just grin and bear it. . . .