At a Strange place

     On Memorial Day Flaco and I went out to a restaurant we haven't been to before. It was nice. While there we began talking about my favorite topic and Flaco's least favorite - our infertility woes. I mentioned to Flaco that I was thinking I am ready to try the doctor where my mom works, to see what other torture, er I mean tests, he can perform to determine what is preventing me from getting pregnant. After all, I have ovulated on more than one occasion and I have never once gotten even a little pregnant (it's a joke. . . ). So, this leads me to believe there is something else going on, that the infertility doctor did not feel like exploring, he would rather we jump straight to IVF. It looks better for his stats, I suppose. Flaco reiterated that he did not want to spend tons of money on infertility treatments. He then proceeded to tell me that he is disillusioned and no longer even cares about having a baby. He thinks we should just get on with our lives. I was somewhat frustrated and so I told him that I cannot accept not being a mother. I am a mother, in my heart, even if I have no children to be a mother to, at the present time. I said I could accept not pursuing infertility treatments, if only he would consider adopting.
     Whenever I brought up adoption in the past, Flaco immediately shot me down. No second thoughts, nothing. Just a big fat no. Well, on Monday he was more pensive. He told me how he had met this woman (a friend of a friend or the wife of a friend of a friend - something like that) and she adopted a little girl, then later adopted a little boy and discovered that they were brother and sister. He thought this was nice. He said he might consider adoption, since he also discovered that the government gives you a nice chunk of change the year that you adopt. For whatever reason, this made adoption more appealing to Flaco. I did tell him that if we wanted an infant we might have to use a private adoption agency and that they are expensive. But, if we used the state adoption agency, or we became foster parents first, that the state would cover the adoption costs.
     I spoke with a friend at work who is in the process of adopting a little girl. She has three biological sons and had been a foster parent for 8 years. She gave me the name of the woman she has worked with, who happens to be bilingual (as is my friend and her husband). Flaco had asked for a week to make his decision and I do not want to push him. His week will be up on Monday. If he decides he would be willing to go ahead with the adoption process, then I will call Consuelo, the name of the Social Worker that my friend gave me.
     I thought I might feel sad, deciding to adopt rather than having a biological child. Oddly, I feel at peace. I know that there are many children out there who need good families and I believe Flaco and I can be that good family. I spent some time looking at pictures of waiting children on the states website. They are beautiful children and without knowing them, I love them all and want them all to have loving homes. Flaco and I are not picky about the sex of our child or the race. The only things we are concerned about are the age (we know we might not get an infant, but we wouldn't want a child over 5) and the health of the child. We do not feel we could financially care for a child with severe disabilities.
     So, this is a strange place to be in right now. Part of me feels relieved. The pressure to conceive is off and the weight of my empty womb has lessened. I know my child will not have my smile or Flaco's laugh, but he or she will still be so loved and so wanted. My desire for a child is the one thing that infertility has not been able to break. I know the adoption process might be difficult and there might still be more cycles of frustration, but our struggles up to this point have made us stronger in the face of adversity. Am I sad to think I might never get pregnant and give birth? Yes. I am. But, I know that when I have my baby, my child, in my arms and I am reading him/her a bedtime story and soothing her/him to sleep after a bad nightmare. Or laughing at their silly joke. When we take our child to visit Flaco's family in Nicaragua, when we spend Christmas at the farm and sing Christmas carols all the way home - it won't matter! It simply will not matter. We will have our beautiful family.
     I brought this topic up to Flaco again last night. Not to get his decision, but to let him know what I discovered from my friend at work. Flaco still seemed open to the idea of adoption. He asked if we could adopt two children, maybe siblings. I told him that we should take this one step at a time and just worry about adopting one child and then once we are settled, we can talk about adopting a second child (we are both determined to not have an only child. Ideally, we wanted four children, but not that infertility has put a damper on that parade, we are hoping for at least two).
     A little tiny part of me feels like a cop-out. Like we didn't try hard enough to get pregnant. But, we simply don't have the resources to go through treatment after treatment after treatment. Believe me, I know we would have if we could. Another part of me worries about how Flaco's family will accept an adopted child. Well, and my family too. We haven't said anything to either of them yet. Mostly, because we don't know what we are going to do yet. But, I hope they will support us in this decision. When I made mention of this to my mother in the past (that I just wanted to give up and adopt), she said, "Don't give up! There is still so much more that you haven't tried!" I already mentioned to her about seeing the doctor where she works. But, now I'm wondering if this isn't just the way God wanted it to be for us. Perhaps He never intended for us to have biological children because He knows how many children out there need parents. When I first thought of adoption, I thought that maybe I was being like Abraham's wife Sarah. That I was trying to circumvent waiting for God by creating my own way. Sarah gave her handmaiden to Abraham to bear children because she could not. Even though, God had promised her she would bear a child. But, now I think that God has actually been nudging us towards adoption and He opened Floco's heart to the possibility. I guess the only way I'll know is to give it a whirl.