The New Waiting Game

I have been experiencing some technical difficulties with my blog lately. Wednesday night I typed up a new entry and when I tried to post it, the “Internet-Explorer-webpage-has-expired” popped up and I lost all that I had written. Also, I cannot make a comment on a post either. When I try to post it, it takes me to the log-in page. I type in my credentials and the secret code and it takes me back to the page to type in my credentials again. After losing my entire post the other night, I gave up and went to bed.

     The following is my response to Amy’s comment:
"Amy - You are in no way being an ass by your response. In fact, you have been one of my most staunch supporters since the beginning, for which I am thankful. Experiencing the loss of a pregnancy is never easy, no matter how many living children you have; it is something that cuts deep and it is an ache that never fully leaves. Whenever I am feeling the most down, I remind myself that I have never felt the elation of a pregnancy only to then experience the immense sorrow when that pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. So, in that respect, I cannot fully understand the loss you have experienced. I think right now, I am just mourning the loss of never experiencing pregnancy; I won't feel a baby growing in my womb, I won't get to hear the first heartbeat or feel the first kick, I won't know the pain of labor (not such a bad thing, I suppose) and I will never nourish my child by breast feeding him/her. This is not to say I will not cherish the child that will be mine through adoption. And I am not saying that one is better or worse than the other. It is just very hard to let go of a dream I have been dreaming ever since I was a little girl playing dress-up and shoving a pair of pants in my shirt to make me look pregnant. Flaco and I will miss out on so much, not being able to experience the journey of pregnancy. We will not be taking baby bump pictures and posting them on our Facebook accounts. There will be no ultrasound pictures to show the expecting grandparents. If we have a baby shower, I will not be waddling in with my bulging belly for all to oo and ahh over. No one will be trying to see if it looks like I am carrying a boy or a girl. There will be no birth announcement, no hospital visits. The baby we have will not look like his/her mommy or daddy or have the “So-and-So” family legs/eyes/nose/smile what-have-you. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I envy anyone who has a child that will resemble them, one that is a combination of the love of their mother and father. But, I realize that no one has a perfect journey, no matter how it looks to the outside world. I try not to compare myself to others because I am different and my experiences are different. Thank you for your kind words as always. Know that you too are in my prayers.    

     So, Wednesday I finally spoke to the woman from the local state adoption agency. I decided to call her on my lunch break, since I needed to leave work to buy lunch at the local Wawa. Generally, I pack a lunch and eat in the staff lunchroom with other coworkers, which does not lend to having private phone conversations. So, I spoke with Consuelo. She sounds younger than I thought she would be, but she was very nice and professional. She explained that we would need to attend several training classes, which (of course) had just wrapped up last week. The next time they will be holding these classes will be in August. The classes are held on Saturdays (every other week, I think she said) and we can choose to attend in English or Spanish. We both must attend. This will be a problem for Flaco, since he works every Saturday and has a very hard time getting off. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. Consuelo went on the explain that while we wait to get into the training classes we can complete the required paperwork, such as the initial application, the medical requirements, financial eligibility paperwork and she can even come out and do a walk-through of our home all before August. She explained all of the paperwork that is required. They want to see the past 10 years of our income. Well, 10 years ago Flaco was 15 and living in Nicaragua. Ten years ago, I was just finishing my first year of college and worked part-time in the summer as a waitress. I did tell her Flaco has only been in the country for 4 ½ years and she said that is not a problem. They want to see the immunization records for all the animals in the home (which I am sure will dredge up the on-going “let’s get rid of the animals” battle), which I know we are lackadaisical on keeping the animals up-to-date. In fact, the kitten has never been to the vet (he’s a year old now) and the last time the older cat was there was when she was fixed about three years ago. Again, we shall cross that bridge when we get there. Our animals are healthy. I guess we shall see what the out-come will be. Consuelo explained what she would be looking for when she did the walk-through of our home (I’m thinking this is the home study, but she didn’t call it that, so I am not sure). We would need to show her where the child would sleep and keep their things. We would need to lock up medications (I’m on Metformin, but other than that we only have vitamins and over-the-counter drugs which we generally keep in a medicine cabinet above the sink in the bathroom. It is unlikely a toddler would be able to reach them, but we shall lock them up, if need be) and baby-proof the house in general. Since, it is just the two of us living there, the house is anything but baby-proof. We would need to get the covers for the electric sockets and put the batteries back in the smoke detectors (the one in our spare bedroom goes off any time something smokes or there is steam in the kitchen, which I found highly obnoxious). And apparently, we need to get a fire extinguisher in our kitchen. Really? I don’t even know where the hell we would get a fire extinguisher! Who sells these things? Fire Bugs Are Us? I’m sure it will cost a small fortune to get a mini fire extinguisher. I don’t even know how to use one, if there ever was a need. But, I guess we will get one, since it is required.
     I understand why the agency needs this information and requires all of these precautions. I know it is for the protection of the child, but it seems like just another slap in the face to a couple already faced with the insurmountable grief of not being able to procreate. We lost our bodily privacy to meddling infertility doctors and now we must fling open the doors to our private life for some strangers to poke into all the crevices. Like hearing the dentist’s drill, I find this intrusive process grates on my nerves.
     Consuelo also explained that since we want to adopt (and not just be foster parents) we will need to write up a profile, which she explained was “basically your whole life story.” My whole life? You mean, from my first memory of getting my tonsils out at age 4 up until this very moment, sitting here typing this story? Does it really matter that I was in 4-H and homeschooled in high school? Does being the 1999 PA State Lamb and Wool Queen make me a better candidate as a mother? Did going to college and then joining the Peace Corps better prepare me for motherhood? And what about Flaco? Few Americans can truly understand what it is like to grow up in a developing nation. How will they relate to his experiences walking to the local school and playing soccer barefoot in a dusty field? Or quitting school to help his father in the fields and then moving to Managua at age 15 to work with his cousins in a school supply stand at the country’s largest market? Who will understand the devastation he witnessed during Hurricane Mitch in 1998? I hate answering the “tell me about yourself” question because I never know what they are trying to find out. It seems like a large minefield in which if you say too little, you are hiding something, and if you say too much you have revealed something disadvantageous about yourself. Perhaps, Consuelo will have guidelines in what we should include in our life stories. She also mentioned we will need to get about 4 references to write something nice about us and why we deserve a baby.
     I feel overwhelmed by all of this paperwork and I haven’t even started filling it out yet! I mean, wouldn’t it just be easier to bump nasties and get knocked up the good old fashioned way? Sure, but that is no longer an option for us. We’ve defined insanity by trying the same thing over and over and over again for the past 2 ½ years. It’s time for a completely new game plan. I don’t relish sloshing through this process, in fact I think I already dread it. But, for some reason, this is how God intended for Flaco and I to have a family. It is a trial by fire that we must live through so we can come out as beautiful diamonds in the end. So, Consuelo is sending us a packet of information and also the forms we will need to begin filling out. I say, “Bring it on!” Whatever will get us closer to the baby out there that God intends to place in our lives.