Bunk Beds

     So, yesterday I told my parents that Flaco and I are going to adopt. They were supportive of this decision. My mother’s initial response was, “You’d better get bunk beds because the second you adopt, you’ll wind up pregnant.” This was not the first time my declaration of our intent to adopt resulted in the “well maybe that will get you pregnant” response. Why is that? And everyone has an anecdotal example, “You know, like Paul and his wife. They tried for years and then adopted two little girls from Korea and wound up pregnant.” That was my mother’s example. Hell, I even have my own example. The wife of my former youth pastor was adopted. Her parents believed they could not have children, but she was still an infant when they found out they were pregnant with her sister. This wasn’t a fluke because they went on to have another daughter (the funny thing is that the middle sister looks like the adopted one because she has red hair, the youth pastor’s wife and her younger sister look like they are biological sisters).            So why do people assume that adopting a child will result in a pregnancy? Is it because the pressure the couple feels to procreate is relieved? Is it because the couple is too distracted with the new addition to worry and fret about infertility (which harkens back to the “just relax and it will happen” school of thought). Is it because everyone can think of an example of a childless couple adopting and then miraculously becoming pregnant? Does God decide to bless couples who choose to adopt with a child of their own? Who knows. I tell anyone who suggests adoption could be the way for us to resolve our infertility that I cannot think this way, it is too hurtful and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s fair to the child that we will adopt. “Mommy, why did you decide to adopt me?” “Well, Little Johnny, we wanted a baby of our own and someone suggested if we adopt we would have our very own biological baby.” I say it is too painful because I feel like I need to completely cut ties from trying to conceive to adopting. These two things can not mutually exist in my mind and in my life. I have been struggling with the experiences that I perceive to be losing, in not being able to give birth to the child that will be mine. If I hang on to the hope that adoption will result in gaining those experiences, I am doing a disservice to myself and to the child. My heart is not in the right place, if my mind is only thinking that I will get what I want most of all, if only I do this one thing. My mindset must change to come to the full understanding that adoption is the way I will become a mother; not the second best way, not the only option way, but rather just the way it is to be.