Heavy Heart

My heart has been heavy all weekend. Yesterday, I was particularly short-tempered and hate myself for being that way. I can’t stop my mind from thinking and it is turning my insides into mush. I got an email from my case worker today giving me the number for the case worker in the other county who wants to speak with me (apparently, she had left a long message for me that I never got – she must have called my home number and I cannot get those messages because I do not know the password and stupid Verizon was not able to help me Friday night when I called them). She also spoke to the foster parents to see if I could stop by to meet the boys since they live just 2 blocks away from where I work. I didn’t respond to her email. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I am on the brink of tears most of the time. She called me later to give me the name and phone number for the foster mother to set up a time to visit. I was picking up the kids at the sitter and didn't really want to talk to there in front of the other foster mom.

Why am I struggling with this so much? Shouldn’t it be easy for me to say “no” and forget all about it? Or to say “yes” and be overjoyed? But, we are not talking about declining a stick of chewing gum here, we are talking about the lives of two little boys as well as my own life. Not to be too dramatic, but it is a life-changing decision. I think I am struggling with it so much because part of me thinks this might be God’s will for me, what He wants for me to have for reasons only He can see and understand. I think this for several reasons. First, the story I was told the first time I heard about the boys broke my heart; no child should have to endure what they did. Second, this seems to be happening with only my tepid agreement. I had agreed to meet them and then it didn’t happen, I took in the two kids I have now and I assumed it was all over. Even several weeks ago when they were brought up again and then nothing happened I figured it was finally put to rest. But, this situation keeps coming back to me so that I cannot ignore it. That must be happening for a reason, right? Third, after losing the baby I first had in foster care, I prayed that any child I would get to be mine would be an easy process – no issues with the child coming or going, no speed bumps and detours, no surprise long-lost family popping up, no divorce ruining things. And that is what seems to be happening. With no effort on my part, I am in the final running for a placement that most certainly will become an adoption. Easy peasy lemon squeezie, right?

But, if this is God’s will for me shouldn’t it give me some measure of peace? I’ve had no peace since Friday afternoon. I’ve had nothing but inner turmoil. I have been so twisted inside that I have not even been able to talk about it, other than what I typed here. Without launching into the whole story, I made mention of it to my pastor’s wife at church yesterday and she told me, “If you are not sure, don’t do it.” But, I didn’t tell her about how I thought it might be God’s will and our conversation was interrupted by the screaming baby wanting me to hold him and another parishioner wanting to talk to the pastora. I guess it just seems too hard for me to accept that this might be “it” when all along I have been dreaming and hoping for a “baby.” Perhaps it is just my short-sightedness, but I envision this one adoption as my only opportunity to have my own family. And this is silly because I am still relatively young and any number of things could happen. It’s just hard to envision the unknown (duh) and to trust that good things will happen when it seems like something is breaking, falling through, or just generally getting screwed up at every turn.

I feel so lost right now. And I feel like no matter what decision I make, it will be painful. It shouldn’t be this way. At least, that is what I tell myself. I never thought adoption would be easy, I just never knew how much of my heart I would be losing along the way. Right now, my only action is to do nothing. The county case worker will not be in the office this week, so the case is temporarily stagnant. I will call and leave her a message and I will keep trying to listen to the message she might have left on my home phone. And, I keep telling myself, that despite my case worker singing my praises to the county worker, it does not mean the county will choose me and all of my anguish could be meaningless wasted energy. Somehow, I just don’t see that happening……